Well, my previous thread locked up, so since I have been told I may be piecing, I thought I would come here and start my new thread. I don't know how to link threads, so here it is:
In July of 06, I found the evidence of ow in H's car. He at first denied it, and then he said I had been so controlling, mean, unloving, and other stuff, that he felt he had done nothing wrong, and indeed it was something good he had done for himself.
He said it wasn't sexual, and was emotional, and the evidence didn't show any sign of it being sexual.
They wrote letters back and forth, and in some of them he said he was doing time with me waiting for our S to grow up and then leave. She was planning on a future with my H, and made him a wooden gift box with all sorts of weird things glued on showing all the things they would do when they were together.
I found that he had a secret cell phone, and a P.O. box to get mail from ow, and his cell phone bill.
I was able to figure out the passcode on the secret cell phone, and listen to messages ow left for him. They were messages thanking him for working so hard, and also playing on his protective instincts as a cop, to get him to come play knight for her, by saying people of a certain race were walking in her neighborhood, and would he come check them out. He would leave our S at practice to go and see her when she said there were prowlers at her house, or to call her on the cell phone. One message was ow apologizing for upsetting him, so I knew then all was not right in fake paradise.
He told me that he broke it off with ow, and gave her the secret cell phone, but I called it one day, and he answered it, so I knew he had lied. I did confront him about it, and he decided then and there he was leaving and then said he would wait till school was oput for this year, and he was gone, and he didn't care whose feelings got hust whether it was our S who was 13 at the time, or me. Later, he denied saying this about our S. He said it was a message that was recorded on the cell that I heard, that he put on there and ow hadn't changed it since he gave her the cell phone, but how funny that less than three wekks late the message got change to one saying for a certain number to stop calling that cell phone, then suddenly the phone number was no longer a valid number, so I figured it was changed to one I didn't know, or maybe H REALLY told the truth finally.
Anyway fast forward to Nov, 06. H broke down to me after we went to bed one night, and cried and cried his heart out, and I held him and cried too, and told him we would help each other to get us fixed. The next night he did the same thing, and after that it seemed things were getting a little better, and we celebrated our twenty-fourth anniversary, and he gave me a gift, a mini rose, and a sweet card that he signed love always and forever, H.
In Dec, 06, but I only found out recently, he called a family law center that specializes in uncontested divorces. He called there 5 times that month, and then not again, and I think he listened to their recorded messages telling how divorce worked. On my birthday, in Dec, he and I talked and he tried to assure me that it was over with ow, and he had dumped a special person, I said ow wasn't a decent person to go after a married man, and she needed to go back to her own H.
In January, things started to look up, and he told me he loves me first a couple of times, and I have been keeping up the changes I have made, and he is coming home on time, and talking to me more, about work and being nicer. He mentions the future occasionally.
Now here we are in April, and things I think have greatly improved, unless I am a total fool, and he is getting one over on me. We have been ML a lot more, and he has no complaints about that anymore at all, I have started keeping a cleaner house, though not that clean, unfortunately. I cater more to his needs, and will just be there for him when he wants to talk, and give him my full attention, and I sit and watch his shows with him,which he said I didn't used to do very much. He smiles at me alot more, when we used to say goodbye, I would get a half-hug, but now get a full hug and a nice kiss, and we both say ILY, even though I say it first. I let him know I appreciate what he does for us, and how hard he works.
I have asked him on occasion if we are going to stay together, and he will say yes, and I will say promise, he won't make a promise, and says he is still afraid the mean verycrazy will be back, and I said no she will never be back, and I have kept up the changes for all these months. He does say he is still so full of resentment towards me for how I treated him over the years, and so far has not said it wasn't all one-sided, except he did say once that he should have taken charge a long time ago, since he was supposed to be the leader of the family, and I agreed with him.
Today when he was getting ready for work, I said I would miss him, and he said will you really? I said yes, and he said good! I said will you miss me a little, and he said yes.
Oh, and there has been no evidence of him talking on his non- secret cell phone to ow for the last three months, the calls dwindled down to a couple and then stopped. Maybe ow realized how shameful she is and is no longer contacting him, and maybe the church sermons on adultery, divorce and remarriage with an adultery partner, got through to my H, finally.
I would hate to think I am getting fooled by my H into thinking everything is almost all right, and then spring another bomb on me in a few years. I don't think I could take it. But, I am trying to act as if, and am somewhat getting a life, could do better, and am looking toward getting back to work soon, though that is scary to me, after all these years.
If anyone is brave enough to read this long post, thank you, I am not always this long-winded, and want to get advice on whether or not we are piecing, or should I kick myself back to the other forum?
I think, from what I've read in your sitch, that you need to stop allowing that ow to take up any more of your precious energy and life. It doesn't matter what she's thinking or if she's feeling shame. What does matter is that every time your husband walks through the door and comes home to you, you have a chance to make him laugh, tell him YOU appreciate how hard he works, and be the person he wants to come home to.
you wrote:"I would hate to think I am getting fooled by my H into thinking everything is almost all right, and then spring another bomb on me in a few years. I don't think I could take it. But, I am trying to act as if, and am somewhat getting a life, could do better, and am looking toward getting back to work soon, though that is scary to me, after all these years."
Getting back to work is a great idea! You will feel better about yourself. You will become stronger. You will be operating from a place of confidence instead of fear and it'll show.
And here's the thing. It takes such a risk to trust. But there were never any guarantees. Not the day you first married. Never.
I would've staked my life on a bet that my H would never cheat. In ways, I guess I did. I was wrong. He cheated. I forgave him. He promised it'll never happen again. I CHOOSE to believe him. I have to. I know, with everything I have, that he believes he won't betray our love again. I also know he never thought he'd do what he's done in the first place.
It hurts. Things will never be the same. However, we can choose to direct our energy and thoughts into ways to make sure we are doing our best to keep it from happening again instead of being consumed by fear. If we can't do that, I think they will know it and get frustrated and resentful that they are trying their best but can never redeem themselves. I think that can only cause them to quit trying.
I think we have to trust again if we want our marriage to work, but not lose ourselves. We just can't be that person who will fall apart if we are wrong, ever again.
(((VeryCrazy)) This is so hard. But you are piecing. You aren't getting divorced today! Believe this VeryCrazy. You can do this.
I think I see more good from bad in what you write. And I think you are onto something. If you can look back and see the things that were broken in the marraige - and continue to proactively keep them fixed, we have a great shot of saving our M's.
Having been a back seat leader in my M and with my family - in part because I felt repressed and underappreciated - I can see your H's side of it. But I also believe that we should shed "ourselves" completely either. Meaning, two strong individuals make an even stronger couple.
I think you are on the right path. Worry not about a bomb coming, but instead how you avoing giving your H bomb parts. To me that was done by getting my act together first, and unconditionally loving my spouse.
I'd say your piecing...
Good luck and keep posting.
Sven
Never sacrifice the great for the good. Sometimes the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair.
I'd have to say you are piecing too (and from someone that has been down this road twice, I think I can vouch for that) - welcome to the board and enjoy the ride
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
Thanks guys, I appreciate the experts here giving me encouragement and advice.
Kels, you are right, I DO need to stop allowing ow to take up my energy, and thoughts. This morning my H was getting ready for work, and told me he has to work a little late tonight as a fill in for an hour for his sargeant, and tomorrow morning as security for some church. He said he knew I would be mad, but I told him, not mad, just like him to be with US on Sunday morning at OUR church. He said if you don't think I will be there you can just drive by and check. I said now why do think I would not believe you will be there? I repeated that I trust him and believe he will be there but it's just I would rather he was with us. Then he said you don't have to worry, she (ow) went back to her ex-husband. WHAT!!!!!
I nearly fainted, because I NEVER mention ow to him at all, and he said this. I didn't say anything and changed the subject.
Sven, I so agree with you about not giving him "bomb parts"; good way to put it. I am going to work really hard on it, and give him every reason to want to stay.
Thanks, Heywyre, It's a scary ride, but it's the ride I want to be on in this carnival.
Open the page you want to link to in a new web page. Copy and paste the address in place of "link." Replace "title" with whatever you would like to name your link.
well, hello hello!! welcome to the piecieng forum, very glad you are here!!
Yes, it is scary for both of you (him: not sure this is for real, you: waiting for the othe r show to drop), my H was also very guarded (prob still is but very little) about things going back to the way they were, afraid I'd take revenge on him, afraid I was going to revert back to the demaning bossy w I was. Only time and our love can show them we are a new person and that our M can be ever BETTER than what we had.
What has really worked for me, now and in the past, is that when I start to remember all the ow related stuff (and trust me, I know WAY too much) I remind my self that my H was very devoted to me, and in time I pushed him, I hurt our M, I rejected him and killed slowly the love he had for me. Not to excuse him leaving in the way he did, but to remember I too broke my vows and disrespected him.
It's been 8mths since I discoverd ow stuff, I never thought I'd be able to think about it without the sick in the stomac feeling. But I have learned to remember without condemning him, to put other thoughts on my head and to shorten the amount of time I think of such things. The book that really helped me to piece was "Healing the hurt in your marriage", do get it, it will help you heal.
I congratulate you on deciding to get back to work!! keeping busy keeps the bad thoughts away. Maybe start part time if you are overwhelmed, but a goal, a means to find happiness on your way is a great way to also keep the pressure off your H. Too often us LBS want our WAS to jump through hoops to please us and appease us after they come back and we put on them the burden of making us happy.
Again, glad to see you here gal, I'm a lurker now, but come in regurlarly, keep strong)))))
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
I think it's clear you are both crazy and in piecing...seriously, doesn't all this boil down to us choosing which side to possibly err on? I mean, we can be "safe" and end the M now so we avoid future pain-assuming that would actually avoid much down the road. Maybe yes. But if we choose to believe and trust, and end up wrong, why is it that we feel we are being fools? I mean, shame on them, not us. It'd be different if there was a lot of denial or overt disrespect. You know your H is trying in his way, to be a better h. Mine too.
RE: working, OMG, going back to full time work at the same time that I am leaving d18 off at college and uprooting d9, absolutely terrifies and stressses the crap out of me...
Also about working outside the home, I figure we are both smart enough to fake them out a year or two, don't you think? When they catch on to our imposter status, we'll move on pursuing "other interests." Yeah, I am mostly kidding... but I recall two important realizations in my last job. First, everyone who is new to a job doesn't know what the heck they're doing for at least 3 months, up to a full year, depending on the level and complexity. Seriously, vc, I mean it. No one new knows wth is going on and people WILL give you a pass when you first start. Thank God! Second, you simply don't know how hard it is to find employees who are just hard working and functional, without some weird habit, dishonesty, drug use, laziness, whining, and all I can say is that hiring a normal hard working woman is ALL I want to do with my new job for the assistant I'll need, and hope/assume I'll have. Just a person I can trust to not screw me over, lose his/her head, embarrass the company or me, and show up for work. I promise you VC, if you can flippin' SHOW UP and do what they ask of you, I predict a promotion within a year. I swear.
The competence issues apply to civilian and military. The military sucked in that regard b/c as a lawyer I'd be in a totally new area of law with clients who needed experienced counsel....sorry!! For 6 months ever 3 years, I'd be "almost" incompetent, but for my colleagues double checking our work, which I later did for new transfers. In the civilian world, the good news is that 1) being a stay at home mom IS getting more respect than, say, a decade ago, and 2) who would know what you did before or exactly how long you stayed at home? No one, unless you want that.
ALSO, do NOT undermine the contributions you made to the community. I did a LOT of PTA stuff, including being president (never again, fwiw) in two different places, tutoring and it is not necessary all the time to categorize it as "volunteer" if you ever got any reimbursement. Even calling it "volunteer work" is fine. Working at a women's shelter, marching in a cancer awareness event, boy scout den mom, team mom, shows organization, leadership and "showing up", etc. You'll come up with some I bet. I have been pleased with how my vol work has been seen so far, at least to my face. If you baby sat for money, or in exchange for child care for your son, that was "child care provider" work.
You can send my your resume if you want, and add stuff about all your hobbies, projects, past Before Motherhood jobs and skills, newly found or weird skills, etc. Maybe I might "make some adjustments" to it...While I say this, know that lying on the resume is a sure fire way to an ulcer, always worrying that someone will find out, and knowing that IF they do, you're out of there. Not for the content of the lie, but for the lying. VC, I know you wouldn't but I'm saying this for the benefit of those reading. BTW, from the way you write, I can tell you'll come off as a smartypants and they'll be grateful to have you.
Sorry I'm in a self pity mood about the trauma of the pending summer, so I guess right now I'm feeling the "cost" of piecing. I am overwhelmed, I predict friction between h and d9, as well as fun. But h is a stricter parent, and d9 is VERY strong willed. More work in that sense, than the other 2 combined. She'll blame h for any pain in moving, (like me??) which is pretty fair and rational if you think about it. And moving There IS harder than moving to "normal" places and I have the experience moving to know what I'm talking about.
Oh, yikes, part of all this emotion right now, I have to admit, is leaving d18 at college this fall. It is so sad to me. And stupid. I mean Hello?? I KNOW I want her to go to college of course, and this IS a natural occurrence, and the alternative of having your kid hanging around you into adulthood is not what you really want so, this parting, is what is SUPPOSED to happen. It is life. What's my problem?!?
Just lousy timing of H, and yes, I still think it's selfish, and I still have to tame the anger attacks when they pop up. How are those going for you? What do you fill your head with instead of the anger or stomach churning? I think the Cat has some good ideas about it. I am working on this. Hard.
Weirdly, I had always heard about separation anxiety for moms when the kids go off to college. But I didn't "get it". Then when we left s21 (then 18) in NYC, it made me sad for a long time, and scared for him. I never knew this would happen to me, or that it must happen to mothers all over the place every fall. If this is anything like what "Empty nest" syndrome is gonna be like, WE HAVE TO GO BACK TO WORK ASAP, or we'll get really lose it when the kid(s) are out of the house. Plus making a bit of money does help relieve some pressure on our H's AND will help to lessen any pending resentments or prevent more.
I'll post somewhere on my own, if I can figure out how to. j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I think you are doing the right thing. You are being loving and smart, and as "safe" as any of us are. You do have good dialogue with him. Maybe you don't have to ask him so often for reassurance, or at least not verbally (hugs tell a lot). It could get on his nerves. I don't know. At some point I'm sure he'll just want the trust to be assumed and that goes both ways. If you are making a mistake, at least it's the loving trusting kind. Better to err on the side of love, than cynical self protection. I think. Crossing fingers, and staying hopeful for both of us. j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Hey cat, thanks for the welcome. You are right it is scary for me and for him, he is wondering if I am going to keep up the changes,and I am wondering if he is going to keep calling the ow to get back with her, or if he has really even ended it, or if he is lying to shut me up, and she hasn't gone back to her ex, but they are playing some huge game with me.
He has started showing me more affection, especially since the note I put in his lunch the other day said I missed his time and affection. And I think he HAS to feel that even if he thinks everything is my fault, that he did neglect me too.
When I came across the tape a few weeks ago, I recorded of her messages to my H, I heard about one sentence before I shut it off, and felt sick to my stomach. I can't listen to it. I no longer snoop in his car not since last summer. I want his respect so I think he will give it to me if I go back to work. I am going to start part-time, and I will be there after school for our S.
erycrazy