Newbie..need clarity..I feel the fat lady has sung

[kerrysal]

I'm new to this site in terms of posting, but have been 'lurking' for a while now trying to find clarity and felt compelled to put my story out there. There is so much to tell so please forgive me if it is scattered about...

I'm 33 yrs old, hubby is 32. Married almost 10 yrs, have 2 daughters, 4 & 6 yrs old. Our marriage has been rocky from the start. Hubby (I'll call DH) witnessed severe emotional/verbal/physical abuse towards his mom for many years. This is quite different from the picture-perfect family I grew up in.. We didn't know each other long before getting married, I had no idea some of the skeletons in his closet. He has a drug problem. Pot is his drug of choice and he has smoked it (I found out after marriage) since he was 15. In the past, he's been verbally & emotionally abusive..physical once or twice. We had the 'talk' about the drugs 6 yrs ago, then 4, then 2 and I asked him to leave the marital home 8mos ago. When he came back, he had sworn things would change and, after seeing no change, I asked him to leave again and told him I wanted a divorce. We've seen a counselor, but it's difficult to get to the bottom of the issues because he refuses to discuss the drug issue because he is afraid of losing our children. I am not proud of what I have put up with, not proud of how I have allowed him to treat our children ..he had a huge issue with our now 4 yr old, used to scream that he hated her and wished we never had her. Subsequently, she has quite the temper and I struggle with repairing deep anger issues on a daily basis.

I am an educated woman and we both work FT. Our marriage has a history of financial struggles and we have constantly battled his anger. He was recently diagnosed with Meniere's disease and has been treated for that, on medication for bipolar and is pledging to "be" all I need.

I feel I am done. I've been called every name in the book...I've been built up only to be torn down in a heartbeat. I was overweight my entire life and 3 yrs ago dropped over 100 pds. I went from a sz 16 to a 2 and had (and continue to have) difficulty accepting me as I am. I was most vulnerable about my weight and he used it against me countless time ..when we fought, he immediately called me "fat" names to tear me to the core. I also experienced a horrible car accident in 2005 that required surgery to put my arm/wrist back together again after it was shattered into 16 pieces. I endured horrible pain and had metal rods drilled into my arm and an external fixator, months of PT, subsequent surgeries, etc. While he stood by me during this time...there was a pivotal eye-opening moment where he told me he wished I would have just died because taking care of me is a total 'pain in the ass'....

He is begging and pleading for another chance and I am at a loss...I am desperate not to hurt my girls...but I know that I am teaching them how to choose their future spouse, and I'm not doing a very good job of it. I don't think he can stop w/the drugs...it's totally throughout his family and he hasn't been able to stop for 10 yrs. He says he never "wanted the marriage to work this bad" so it will definitely be 'this time' he stops...I don't feel he deserves another chance...I am young and I feel that I have put myself out there over and over only to be slapped in the face and let down continuously. Dh has missed endless days at work (oh joy..we work together) ...as in he's called out at least 45 days this year so far and is at risk of being fired..he's irresponsible...but he 'loves' me so much (so he claims)....

At what point do you say enough is enough? I see so many putting up with affairs, etc. and wonder if I'm looking for something that doesn't exist. I don't feel I love him any more..I can't love someone that is capable of hurting me so bad..and i don't think i can get that back...do some people have fatal character flaws that can't be rectified? How do you know divorce is the 'right' choice...I desperately long to be happy and don't feel he can be my true partner...he lacks integrity, character, a work ethic...I can't rely on him.....I feel so lost and so alone....

Tired of it all...

[kerrysal]

bump..

help? Anyone?

[MyWifeHasGoneCra]

Sorry no one has stepped in here to offer you any advice. Unfortunately, I don't have time to at the moment either but I promise I will look at it later tonight.

You might want to post this in the newcomers section as that section gets a lot more traffic and you are more likely to get some help.

[MyWifeHasGoneCra]

OK. Um, wow. This may be the first time I tell someone you need to get away from this person. With all that's gone on between my wife and I we have never talked to each other like that. Telling your child you wish you never had them is right up there at the top of the list of worst things you can do to them. Physical abuse is also completely unacceptable.

You say he is on meds for bipolar? Did he start taking those recently in an effort to win you back or has he been taking them for some time and they do no good?

IMHO, you should not let him back into your house at this time. He's going to have to show you changes from a distance and that the changes stick.

With all that he's said and done to you and your kids, I'm scared for you. Do you fear him?

I hope someone else steps in here with a little more experience with this type of situation but from what you say this is the type of relationship that even Michele says you should get out of.

[NikB]

Just catching up... I agree that at least FOR NOW you should get away from him or require that he get away from you. That doesn't mean you're giving up hope of it ever working, but also agree you need to see some very long term changes (from a very safe distance).

And IF you think he won't get violent, I think it's ok to tell him that too. Tell him you appreciate that he loves you and wants to change, and that you'll need to see it's for real, you need to see actions and not just words.

I wish I could offer more.. this is all I can think of right now! But first and foremost stay safe and take care of you and your kids.

[kerrysal]

Thanks for the input...

The bipolar meds are new...maybe less than 6mos he's been on them....I tried to get him to seek help years ago for his anger/rage issues and he took the meds 3wks and said he could "do it on his own"...the thing w/the bipolar meds that I can't seem to get across to him are that he will never know if they are *truly* working as long as he's smoking the pot..duh? You can't get your head straight if it's all up in the clouds....it feels as though he is saying he will make all these changes, but there are very few actions to back that up and I get the distinct impression that he is only going to *truly* change if he has some kind of confirmation that it will 'get' him results. To me, that's total BS...he should be making the changes for HIM and for the KIDS, not solely to 'win' me back...

As for fear..yes, I fear him. In the past I have been threatened numerous times. He has a permit to LEGALLY carry a firearm ...I ordered all guns out of the house over 8mos ago and will never have one here again...but how do you renew a permit for someone that is bipolar, ADD/ADHD and has Explosive rage disorder??? Gotta love the government....he's threatened to hurt himself many, many times in the past in an attempt to manipulate me to stay or apologize for whatever non-existant thing I did to piss him off...the rage has subsided the past few months, but I cannot seem to get past all that's been said and done...I believe in my heart that it takes a certain kind of person to be that cruel...like a fatal character flaw...how do I love someone that lacks respect, integrity? I don't think I can....yet I have no family support at all right now...my parents are convinced I'm having an affair (totally not true, never cheated in my LIFE!)...they have seen his rages and even been on the tail end of it, but I kept a lot to myself in the fear that "if" things got better, I didn't want them to be different towards him...stupid of me , i see that now....this is all just so hard..

[kerrysal]

Journaling a bit today...

I've hit a rock wall in terms of having family support and it's terrifying....my mother is a very unique and not very mentally healthy person. As I continue this journey, I realize i put up with so much of the emotional/verbal stuff from my husband because I was so used to it with my mother.

I took a trip last week with my best friend to Florida. We had been planning it for a while and I funded it apart from 'marital' funds thanks to a Sr. Management award I received at work for doing a great job....husband encouraged me to go, even with the situation being as it is...came back to find out my mom is snooping around to confirm it was my female Best friend I went with and not this 'mystery' guy she is convinced I'm having an affair with ...had to bite the bullet and write a very detailed letter outlining boundaries and expressing my feelings of hurt and disgust at her thoughts and actions...was very soothing to write it all out and now I just wait for the [censored] to hit the fan...

I am oddly calm...feeling as though I've come to a point where there is nothing I can't do..even alone..if I have to....I'm enjoying this new found strength and can only hope my family comes around and starts to actually support me....

[Sugar and Spice]

(((Kerrysal)))

I came to read your thread after your post to me the other night. This may not be the best advice, but until your H shows you some changes, I would not let him anywhere near my house. You have to believe actions, not words. Believe nothing that you hear and only 1/2 of what you see. Any "REAL" change is going to be gradual and will last more than a couple of days/weeks/months. It sounds like your H is sick and needs help, the kind that you are not able to provide for him. You didn't say if you and your girls are in any sort of C? If not, get some. Its such a good thing and if your 4 year old is having issues now then not addressing them will only make it that much harder to do later.

I'm so sorry you are here and I understand how if feels to have the person you love treat you in a way that makes you question everything that you so want to believe. The only solace I can offer is, sick people do horrible things and often are not able to help it. Are you sure that pot is the only drug he is doing? You have read my sitch, so you know the crap I have put up with, the only saving grace my DAH has is my knowledge of the man he used to be, before this addiction took hold of his life.

I can't tell you what to or not to do, only you can decide that, but I will advise you to get some professional C for yourself and your kids, keep him out of the house until he shows you that he is serious and start to build a life with your kids without him. I have done that and as hard as it is, I know we will make it. I have to be the one to show my DS how a woman SHOULD be treated. I have to be the one to show DD how a woman SHOULD be treated. I have to value myself as a woman and that sometimes is the hardest part of all.

I'll be here for you as best I can.