I think, from what I've read in your sitch, that you need to stop allowing that ow to take up any more of your precious energy and life. It doesn't matter what she's thinking or if she's feeling shame. What does matter is that every time your husband walks through the door and comes home to you, you have a chance to make him laugh, tell him YOU appreciate how hard he works, and be the person he wants to come home to.
you wrote:"I would hate to think I am getting fooled by my H into thinking everything is almost all right, and then spring another bomb on me in a few years. I don't think I could take it. But, I am trying to act as if, and am somewhat getting a life, could do better, and am looking toward getting back to work soon, though that is scary to me, after all these years."
Getting back to work is a great idea! You will feel better about yourself. You will become stronger. You will be operating from a place of confidence instead of fear and it'll show.
And here's the thing. It takes such a risk to trust. But there were never any guarantees. Not the day you first married. Never.
I would've staked my life on a bet that my H would never cheat. In ways, I guess I did. I was wrong. He cheated. I forgave him. He promised it'll never happen again. I CHOOSE to believe him. I have to. I know, with everything I have, that he believes he won't betray our love again. I also know he never thought he'd do what he's done in the first place.
It hurts. Things will never be the same. However, we can choose to direct our energy and thoughts into ways to make sure we are doing our best to keep it from happening again instead of being consumed by fear. If we can't do that, I think they will know it and get frustrated and resentful that they are trying their best but can never redeem themselves. I think that can only cause them to quit trying.
I think we have to trust again if we want our marriage to work, but not lose ourselves. We just can't be that person who will fall apart if we are wrong, ever again.
(((VeryCrazy)) This is so hard. But you are piecing. You aren't getting divorced today! Believe this VeryCrazy. You can do this.
