I have a chance to read the posts from AmyC and UA again. AAMF, I've read them probably 5 or 6 time. I've also gone back through my journals, my posts, W's post. It all made me reevaluate myself and realize a one or two more things.
Yes, I had been missing some things as to the root cause to problems in R/M. For a lack of a better way to explain it, at least the only way I've be able to try to decipher what W said. She has change her goals, direction and outlook on life. Our personalities apparently clash enough that she doesn't feel like she can continue to be around me. I know I've become very impatient and cynical over the last several years. Really did so w/o realizing, or at least to the degree and the effect it has had on everyone. I attribute it to working down at the company and being around my F so much for so long. I'm not blaming him. It's really more of the fact I just started to emulate him b/c that's all I ever saw. I've had to deal w/ the same kinda crap he did when he took over the business. He did it w/ his BIL and now I've had to do it w/ mine. Again, not blaming BIL. I watched how he addressed problems. It wasn't the most diplomatic way. I've basically grown-up bulling & bullyiny, my way through business, not physically but approachwise. I became the problem solver and decision maker. Apparently, the sad fact I also started doing the same for every day life. Unfortunately, W grew-up w/ the same thing only she was the one being bullied. Well, she finally had enough. What her F started, in trying to make her tough and independent, I've apparently finished. (This was never a goal or even attempt. Just a realization after talking w/ W) W finally got strong enough and probably had enough crap from me that I've forced away. I guess you can say I brought it on my self. W has told me C feels she married me b/c I was like her F. W has told me she didn't marry my father and doesn't want to be married to him. I've become too much like him. It's a very simplistic way for me to look at it, but quite frankly that's what I've started to come to realize. W tells me she still cares for me. W doesn't mean to hurt me. W doesn't want to find someone else. W just can't stand being around me, or being married to me. Now that I've kinda thought all of this out, I guess I can't really blame her either. I'm trying to start letting all of this sink in and trying to let it go as easy as I can. Quite frankly, I just don't know if I can keep waiting and waiting for her to ever accept me again, not knowing if she ever will. Or more realistically, I don't know if I could actually change enough for her ever to want to be around me again.
W & I had a talk last night. Not really to solve things, but more or less what I had been thinking about and come to the realization of the stuff mentioned above. Also, that I was trying to figure out if what I had realized was actually what was a root of our problems. Of course my hope was to let her see what I've realized and it might give her another reason to keep trying. W admitted that what I had finally realized and worked out on my own was a good bit of what had actually been bother her. She also answered some of my questions about what it is that changed in her that she has not been willing to share w/ me in the past.
It boils down to the death of her father made her look @ her life. She feels that her dad died being happy b/c he felt he had a purpose in life by doing the things that made him feel like it made a difference for others. He died happy knowing in his mind he was making a difference. W doesn't feel like her life has made a difference so she is trying to find out what her purpose in life is, so it can make a difference to others. She doesn't know what that purpose is yet, but she's still working on that. She feels that by remaining w/ me she won't be able to find what that purpose is and won't be happy until she does find that purpose. Because of the fact that my personality is so strong and I've taken the role of trying to fix everything @ home, like I have to at work, that I wasn't allowing her to grow the way she wanted to.
Unfortunately what I thought I'd been working on for the last year was actually only band-aiding the real problems. What I thought she was complaining about and asking for were only the results of the problems. Not the problems themselves. She doesn't feel she can put anymore time or effort into working on the marriage. Even though I could never understand what it was she was trying to say, she felt she was telling me. In her words, "she's done".
Even this morning, after I thought about what we talked about last night, I couldn't quite figure out what it was that had changed in her from last Sept. now. The time frame when she came to the realization that I had finally started to understand her, and she felt she loved me again enough to stay and work on things. We talked a little more this morning. She didn't like the fact that I felt she wasn't working on the things that I had asked her to work on as well, communication and affection. This was the source of my resentment I posted about earlier. What I had been asking her for was demonstations of affection and more open communication w/ me (telling more of what she was feeling and what was bothering her, what was going on in her own world.
I guess what it also really boils down to. She thought she was talking to me and I wasn't listening. I was wanting her to talk to me, but she wouldn't tell me anything. Different languages that neither us picked up on.
I don't expect any changes. She seems to be able to be comfortable w/ continueing w/ the current course of action. She's more or less moved out again. W says she uncomfortable sleeping w/ me.
The realisation of the S and pending D is starting to set back in. S3 had a school pagent this morning. I got there before W did. S3 was already up on the stage w/ classmates. All the kids were waving to the parents out in the audience. I can see S3 looking all over to find W & I. When he spots me, his face lights up and he starts waving like crazy, yelling Daddy, Daddy. When the pagent started he kept looking around for W. She showed up w/ about 10min left. She had been doing "Muffins w/ Mom" w/ S8 @ his school. The whole time S3 just kept looking for W. When ever his glance would find me, he'd smile and wave real big, then go back looking for W. When he finally found her, he did the same w/ her. He was so happy. Afterwards, he kept talking about doing things and using the " me & Mommy & Daddy" phrases. I kept thinking of all the things that are going to start happening now the won't be as the family. The 4 of us. It hurts to think about what Ss will start going through. How their life will change.
I guess W doesn't feel that being a W & M is a good enough purpose to continue to work on things.
