Just state your position, even if it is a repeat. Houses, cars, whatever, it doesn't matter if she changes her mind. Then it just becomes a moot point. Leases can be broken.
The point is that you DO NOT wear your heart on your sleeve. NOTHING, and I mean NOTHING is written in stone.
If she hurts your feelings, get over it. Don't be mean, but don't walk on eggshells. Be kind, but hardcore in your position regarding the marriage.
DO rehash the problem. I don't know why you would think that a single conversation would have forever addressed the issue. Women don't work that way. Trust me. Rehash it as often as your wife wants to.
When she talks about the issues, LISTEN TO HER. Then give her an honest answer and your plan to address the issue. You do have a plan, don't you?
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
After 30 minutes she came in and said that we'd continue working on it. When we got in bed she said that she really wanted sex, but it was "that time of the month" and she couldn't do it. She also said that when I left she thought that she had lost me forever.
I don’t see this as the reaction of a woman who wants to leave, but as the shock of a woman who has been bluffing for too long and just had the realization that she might end up getting what she was bluffing about. In other words, she has been on her own little power and control trip and you decided not to play the game any more. Then she panicked.
What are your W’s issues? Why does she run and hide? What is she scared about? What does she need security and reassurance over? Could it be that her drive for sex was her way of compensating for those fears, but to you they became overwhelming? You see yourself as needy now, but is she actually quite needy too, except she shows that need as a high sex drive?
I see her in the position of having controlled the M through a certain “intimidation” over the sex issue. People control things for a reason. They control out of fear. You don’t have her fears (whatever hers may be), yours are different. It seems like your fear is of abandonment, so you back off and placate to keep her from leaving. But you also seem capable of a little manipulation yourself. I agree with Balto that those possibility actions you listed are all meant to manipulate. They will backfire. The biggest problem I see is that they do nothing to address and sooth the fears your W has. So she will not likely respond positively.
When you get some time, ask yourself why you changed from being an assertive, confident business person to someone who walks on eggshells. Face those fears and try to see that in your efforts to please her by letting her control things, you actually abandoned her. Now she has so little assurance from you that now her least painful path is to leave. Of course this is an illusion, just as it was before. What she needs is security, strength and a sense of devotion form you.
Everything Corri and others have been telling you is in line with this idea. The only thing I want to add is that you should be very empathic and caring toward her. I think this is what she wants to hear from you. Strength and self assuredness has no attraction to her if she does not feel she can receive any of that from you. Don’t make your strength into a wall between you two. You can be strong, self assured, confident reassuring while also being empathic and caring. There is a difference between this model and being placating, weak and offering pity.
My wife likes to be validated in her decisions. She wanted our MC to validate her decision, but the MC wouldn't do it.
She is getting support from her friends, I think. Of course they mean well and want her to heal, but they don't see both sides.
I don't think she would be leaving, if she didn't have the support from others. But, I'm sure they keep validating and supporting her everytime she starts to doubt her decision.
12_51 I can relate to friends validating W's decision. My wife does the same thing,goes to friends and relatives to get support. But they never hear my side of the story. However, I have no control over things like that. I can just try to be the best me I can. But it makes me angry sometimes, that I never hear from my in-laws anymore, or any of our mutual "friends".
So what does that tell you? Why does a person need validation? Because they feel safe, secure, confident? No likely.
She wanted our MC to validate her decision, but the MC wouldn't do it.
Your counselor is smart. Validation in this situation sounds more like enabling.
I don't think she would be leaving, if she didn't have the support from others. But, I'm sure they keep validating and supporting her everytime she starts to doubt her decision.
Yep. Again, she is scared. She needs support from anyone who will offer it. But I think that is all a facade and deep down she knows it, she knows she has fears she is running from, otherwise she wouldn't make the decision to run in the first place.
12_51 I think Cobra's right on! I see a lot of that in my W. She can put on a tough, take charge face; but in the past, when she HAD to be strong, she doesn't like it. I think my W is always looking for a "hero", and I know if I act wimpy, it will simply drive her farther off. I think your W and mine are VERY insecure inside. Maybe that's why when we lost confidence in ourselves, things went to hell in a handbasket!
Good insight. She's not safe, secure, confident in her decision. And scared. That is really good for me to understand that she really is not as confident and sure of herself as I was thinking.
Wimpy is not the way to go.
Here's my list for tonight ---
- be happy - be strong, self assured, confident, reassuring - be positive - be my old self --- confident!!! - don't be fake - be firm - listen - dress nice (new shirt/outfit) - if she crys let her and offer a strong shoulder - be empathic and caring toward her - crack a good joke or two - explain how the new testostrone med's have worked - go over the finances with her / show her my plan, but still flexible somewhat - tell her I am standing firm that I understand that she has the right to leave, but that I have know that things can be worked out - if she is scared, tell her that I understand and offer a sholder - that it is important to me that we will remain friends - if she tells me what she's taking with her, I will agree or politely disagree and suggest something else. - if she talks about selling the house, I will ask when she is available to help get it ready for the market - tell her that I've met some really nice people is the support groups - be a little misterious - don't be manipulative or controlling - review the LD problems, if she brings it up - no R talk unless she brings it up -- then let her lead - no ILY's, no I miss you's - no pleading / begging - don't walk on eggshells - if she hurts your feelings, get over it or hide it well
It's amazing the more I read, post and learn, the more I'm able to stop shooting myself in the foot. It really helps me understand and I feel much better too.
Hopefully things will go well tonight.
Please help me by reviewing the list and making suggestions. I'd really like to have more of a "shocking" 180, but this may be shocking enough.
12_51 You're list is good, but please do not overwhelm yourself. You might end up working so hard to be the old you that you won't be in the moment. That's what used to make us our old, confident, fun selves; living in the moment, being real, and taking it as it comes! Just focus on being YOU! I'm real glad you mentioned the LD issue. When I see my doc., I am going to talk to him about my LD. Maybe my testosterone levels are responsible for what has been going on. I never would have thought of it, except for your posts! And don't forget to be that rock! My hopes and prayers are with you.
2in2myself I had been tested before and they said it was "normal". Well, mine is 345 in the normal range of 300 to 1000. So, yes it's normal, but it's still low.
Depends on your body as to how it'll effect you. Everyone is different.
Get your's checked, and be sure to explain exactly what is going on in your sex-life to your doctor. I didn't fully explain it to him or he didn't understand me the first time.
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Here's a funny story....
Before I got the prescription filled I read about the drug on the medical sites online and did some general google searches.
The drug my doc give me is a gel. Just apply it to you arm, chest, etc. One of the things that all the sites said is that it should not be taken by women and you need to be careful about her not touching the site it's applied to --- some said wear a shirt.
I was reading one article and the guy was just going on and on about how great the drug was. How it had improved his confidence, sex life was great, everything was great. Then he said that at the end of the month he like to pump out the last of the bottle and rub it all over himself and his "partner" and go at it. It was then that I realized I was reading an article on a gay website.
