Now. When you go into a business meeting with a client, do you lay out all your cards at once? Or do you do a bit of dialogue, get into their heads, and THEN see how your cards might work best for you in wooing the client?
This isn't going to be your one and only 'sales' meeting, kwis?
I think the new clothes sound good. Look as good as you can. A bottle of wine is a nice touch. The conversation about the mortgage payment is going to side-swipe her, so going beyond those few 180s might be too much for her to swallow at one time.
If you get a chance, go over to the 180 thread and read some of the stuff posted there. What you don't want to do is come off as adversarial. No R talk, no ILY's, no I miss you's... let her set the tone, and LISTEN to her.
It's going to be really tough on you, doing this. Keeping that smile, and empathetic 'tone' to your body language is going to be just about all you can stand.
Stay calm. You may even want to give one of the DB Coaches a call... seriously.
And... I sure as heck hope you have a computer at home, cuz I sure would hate to have to wait the entire weekend for an update.
-call an ask if we could change it to Saturday. I always keep appointments, and my W would not expect me to do this. Especially since I've been eager to meet with her. I could tell her I've met some really nice people in one of my support groups that have invited me out for drinks.
-ask her if we could have dinner some other time, cause I've got to go meet some of the new people I've met.
-I've thought about moving my office into my house, I could eagerly take some measurments to see if everything will fit.
-flash some old legal documents I've got on file. She'd never expect to see the attorney's letter head on some paper work. Of course I won't give it to her. Just have it in my file when I'm looking for other documents.
-tell her that the new testostrone med's are really making me feel great... lots more energy and just plain feel better. Don't make it sexual, but she'll get the idea. It is true I do feel better today. Not sure if it's the meds or not.
-tell her that I'm getting use to the idea. It could be a lot of fun not having to answer to anyone.
-tell her that business is really going good. New big client with lots of potential for multiple joint projects in the future. The client is actually going to sell my services to his clients. Kind of a team approach. Actually, the client's not in the bag yet but I should know tomorrow. I can always make it sound bigger and better than it is.
-tell her that we should sell the house ASAP and that she needs to help with the painting and getting things ready. Push her to help out. She thinks I want to stay there.
-push her to file. Tell her I'm ready to get on with life. -- Really not sure about this one, it could backfire badly.
These are manipulative and not true to yourself. Most women are very good at picking up when you are changing and when you are acting. Changing is a good thing. Acting differently to get a rise out of your wife is a very bad thing. It will make you seem weak which of course the exact opposite of what you need now.
I'm not saying that it is bad to actually go out for drinks with some new friends, in fact it would be a great idea, but it would seem pathetic in her eyes if she were to get the idea that you are making it up just to see her reaction.
Gone the carvings and those who left their mark. Gone the kings and queens, now only the rats hold sway.
Meet with your wife, have some pizza, make some jokes. When testimonial time comes around, be all about straight up man talk, no embellishing, just the straight scoop..
--- "Wife. I understand you are going through a rough time. I have been as well.
I have worked with the doctors to figure out what my problem was (WAS, not IS). I WAS having issues with my testosterone levels. That has now been corrected.
I realize that I can't make you do anything. You are your own person. I am, however, asking you to consider that I HAD a physical issue that has now been corrected. That puts me in a position now, to be able to address and correct ALL emotional issues between us, even the ones caused by my physical deficiency. I am ready and willing to do that. I am asking (NO PLEADING) that you give me a chance to address those issues by working with me on our marriage.
That is all I will say so that you don't feel unduly pressured. I am more than willing to openly and honestly answer any questions that you may have." ---
If she cries, offer your shoulder from a position of strength. If she latches on to you, hold her tight and offer her reassurance. Keep your tears to yourself. Be the rock.
This is about HER, not you. I understand that your feelings are hurt and that you are devastated, regardless, she is the one feeling great BETRAYAL in the marriage. Do NOT expect her to offer you comfort. If she is to return to you, it is you that must start the healing of the marriage. If you are expecting her to come rushing in to the rescue, then put off the meeting until you can man-up.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
12_51 Please take note of the previous posters. I think they have very good feedback! Don't over do things, and don't play games. If anything, try to simplify and let her notice the changes in you. I think the post about looking at it as you would a perspective client meeting is good. If you come off as over eager, it will probably push her away, as it would a client. Be slow, be patient. DON'T look at this get together as the last one you and your W will ever have. That will produce too much anxiety. Look at it as the first step in building a new you. You do not have to show her all the changes yuo've made at once.
Listen to Corri, Balto and Nop. Don't go down the road of playing games. It is not strong.
Also I spoke with my XH who is an attorney, and a good one, and he said that typically the person who moves out does not pay the mortgage unless they are the one who overwhelmingly makes more money. That said, he understood your point and your strategy. He had also seen situations where the couple put the mortgage and rent into a pot and split that equally. This is just my opinion but I am trying to give you a position where you can stand firm.
After following NOPs script, if you get to talking about finances you can say that "I received a recommendation for you to pay half the mortgage and your full rent. While naturally that is tempting for me because I do not want you to move out, I also recognize that puts an extra burden on you. So I have decided that we can put the mortgage and rent together and split those equally. Then both of us are sharing this extra burden." Note that I would stress that you have made the decision for the two of you.
Just my thoughts...
But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads? ~Albert Camus
My wife had been asking for a long time, "Why" I had LD. At our last meeting, I tried to answer why. I know that is one of the things she's wanting to discuss, but from out last phone call it didn't seem that she was changing her mind about anything I had said. So, I'm guessing that she going to shoot down those "why" answers. This will be a R talk.
NOPkins, since I had already explain the problems as I saw them in regards to LD, I don't think I can rehash them. However, I had not started takin the testostrone yet. And it does make a difference in how I feel. That could be something good I can tell her about and explain my good mood.
When she talks about the LD issues, I will listen to her, but should I respond? Try to explain further or refute what she says.
I believe that she had already rented the other house before we met last, so I think she already had her mind made up.
---
I agree that the "business" style approach of not playing all the cards at first is a good one.
I'm not sure about the bottle of wine. She may view that as me try to "keep" her and may resist. I think we have wine in the house, so may be I should just open a bottle when I get there. I could also had a bottle in the car for backup.
No pleading, begging, crying ... just a new happy guy that feels great.
---
We're meeting tonight, 7:30, at "our" house.
Wish I could get her in the sack, it would be a hell of a night for both of us! And we could both use it too.
Fearless that's a good point. However, our marriage counselor had already primed the pump with she'll need to pay her half of the mortgage and her full rent. And I think this is what she is expecting to have to pay.
I know that if she goes to an attorney, that I'll probably end up paying for everything. I don't want to get an attroney involved if possible.
We both make about the same amount. It's going to put a real hardship on both of us either way we split it up. I really don't see how it is going to be financially possible for her to do this with her other expenses too.
12_51 Way to be! Keep that "new happy guy that feels great". I am sure that may make an impression on her. As far as the LD issue, drop a hint and see where it goes. You'll know to back off if she goes cold. Try not to get hung up on little issues, like the wine. Put it out, and leave it! You "sound" good today, so go with the positives. Continue with the confidence, and don't let her shake you. Be prepared to be a rock, no matter how it goes. Remember, you can't control outcomes, but you can control your reaction to outcomes!
