You are really making some revelations here. I love
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Also, I know I've said that I need to "sit" on my feelings for a while to make sure that is how I really feel before I act on it, especially something serious like this.
that was a really important thing for me too. Understanding that I didn't have to shoot from the hip about every little thing that happened around me. I always thought that capacity to respond quickly and responsively was a good thing - I thought it demonstrated honesty, and I think in professional life it usually does, but in personal life it can be very powerful to reflect on what it is we want to say before we actually say it.
I like how your challenges are changing. I notice
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The last few days have been really challenging for me. For some reason, I have just been thinking more and more about how crazy this all is, that my H is sleeping with OW and I'm just praying that he will come to his senses... There is a part of me that just wants to say that enough is enough;
That's a big improvement on some of the challenges you've had in the past. You are becoming realistic about what's going on around you. You are finally blaming what ails you, rather than melting down in your own pain. This is good. I know it still feels crap, but it is good progress.
Some of the things you are mulling over are stuff that you've given yourself answers to before. Like you've been talking about how you don't like the alternatives of D or giving him an ultimatum, but a few posts ago you said that Jody had suggested that "act as if" you're done but not to tell H that you're done. That is a really good alternative. You would establish the distance you need to so that he misses you and you would be "doing" something to help restore the marriage. Why do you discount that as a strategy?
Tam I want to comment on
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I'm grateful that he still wants to and enjoys doing the business with me.
maybe it's just that I haven't understood how that's all working, but in your post where you called him and he was doing a real estate deal, it sounded as though he was doing that independently and he hadn't spoken to you about it? If that's the case, is he really enjoying doing business with you - or is it another one of his head in the sand things where he wants the business to keep going, so he is going along as though nothing has changed, but acting unilaterally on a range of things? What do you think?
I think it's time you brushed up on DBing 101. The simple rules about hang up first, don't call unless you're returning a call etc etc. I noticed this
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Then, I don't know what happened, but there was just silence... I waited a painfully long period of time, and then I finally asked if he was still there.
That's why we advocate 'being the first to hang up or end conversations'
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I just sarcastically said "yeah" and hung up the phone.
Mmm, so that worked to bring him closer to you?
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I don't know why he was being that way...
see above and take a guess .... Know what I mean????
I've been trying to think of a way to give you some resources that will help you consider how you want to take the rest of this ride. The last few posts have been a bit of a pity party. I know you are upset. I know you are depressed, but you have the choice about how to deal with this and you can choose to take the lonely miserable feel-sorry-for-Tam ride, or you can be grateful for the resources that you have at your disposal, and grateful for the learnings you have the opportunity to make.
Have a read of them, and reflect on what they tell you about how you'd like to be. The bottom line is, the quicker you get happy and sorted, the quicker you are likely to reconcile with your H.
Have a great day.
PS - how's your GAL going? Is the girls-dinner-night plan in place? Have you been going to the gym?
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
