...But does anyone have any suggestions of anything I can do or say that might change her mind or at least shake her up some?... ...When she and I talked on Wednesday, she was crying a lot. Very heavy at times...
I wonder if she has a lot of repressed emotions, the therapy helped her to start feeling them, they weren't good, and they scared her greatly. If so, then she needs to understand that this is a normal part of the process. She may be feeling crap left over from her first divorce, that she's never let herself deal with before. Must be very confusing for her.
I think it would also help her to see that the therapy and meds etc. that you've been doing are truly helping you. Perhaps you could encourage her to work on herself, just as you have been working on yourself.
My wife was depressed and had a really tough time after our first child was born. I had my own psychological problems/symptoms, too. I did my best holding us both together, and making life easier to bear for her (or so I think) despite having my own issues. I finally pushed her to get help, medical help, and she started to get alot better. (AD are wonderful, IMHO). But, as she made significant improvement, I crumbled. Is this at all similar to what's happened in your case -- with her starting to crumble now?
My guess is as one partner changes and the stressors in the relationship change, the other partner also starts feeling/being differently -- most likely worse. But, retreating is no solution.
The only way out is through. For her own sake, she's got to find courage to get through her issues this time, regardless of whether you two end up together. Maybe your Dr or C could give you the name of another counselor -- maybe one in a completely different practice.
I've never regreted pushing my wife to get the help I thought she needed. She was very closed to the idea of it at first. When I've needed to push, it has annoyed her. But, the meds have made a HUGE difference. She sees that now too. (I take them too, and suspect I always will). IF you think your wife needs this sort of help, don't let the opportunity to lead her to a competent professional pass you by -- even if you have to coerce her a bit.
Of course, like you said, no one here knows your wife. YMMV.
Now, here's another idea that came to mind. If I recall from earlier in your thread, you've been LD and are taking testosterone now (if I'm mistaken, then you might as well stop reading now). Maybe it would help to get her in the sack, frequently and with much enthusiasm. Perhaps you coud say, "I hear what you are saying about us being faithful until this is all settled. But, that could take a long time. With this new medicine I'm taking, the testosterone, I'm not sure I'll be able to wait that long...so, I really think we should try to enjoy each other physically in the interim -- afterall, we are still married...maybe you'd consider x, y, and z.... on a regular basis in the interim, or maybe just x right now...)
Now, I suppose that could backfire ["Uhm, you're right...why don't you feel free to find someone else and I'll do the same.] And, maybe the people with more than 10 posts here have a different perspective on sex during a separation. But, from my perspective as a lonely depressed nearly hopeless non-zero drive husband of a zero-drive wife, I'd feel like I'd won the lottery if she said that!
I hear you about the AD meds. Our MC suggested I go to a doc and get on some meds. I want to talk with my family doc first, since he knows my sitch about as well as anyone.
If you need them, don't hesitate. They can fairly quickly release the mind from being too wrapped up in itself.
Find the right Dr. -- one that understands not every AD works the same in every person. And, understand that if one has bad side effects for you, you've got to have courage and hope to try something else. More than likely, there is something that can help. Lexapro has worked best for myself, and my wife.
Don't take them if you don't need them. But, give the professionals you trust a chance to assess whether you need them or not.
My favorite book on Depression, and various treatments, is "Against Depression" -- can't remember the author (he also wrote "Listening to Prozac"). It's a real disease. And there are good treatments.
If you are LD, be aware some people experience decreased libido. For me, it just took the edge off of my frustion. (My wife was/is LD.)
I'm thinking about doing to 180's / last resort moves for tomorrow night's meeting with my wife.
I need to think it thru carefully, so I'm going to sleep on it. But if anyone has any suggestions I'd like to hear them.
Please help me think these out. Pro's / Con's...
Corri's post really help me grow a little, not as much as I would like but bigger. Also may be it's the new testostrone med's the doc gave me. May be today's group meeting. Any how I feel a lot better.
We're suppose to meet at 7:30pm on Friday.
I've been too needy lately, just read some of my previous post.
I could:
-call an ask if we could change it to Saturday. I always keep appointments, and my W would not expect me to do this. Especially since I've been eager to meet with her. I could tell her I've met some really nice people in one of my support groups that have invited me out for drinks.
-ask her if we could have dinner some other time, cause I've got to go meet some of the new people I've met.
-I've thought about moving my office into my house, I could eagerly take some measurments to see if everything will fit.
-flash some old legal documents I've got on file. She'd never expect to see the attorney's letter head on some paper work. Of course I won't give it to her. Just have it in my file when I'm looking for other documents.
-tell her that the new testostrone med's are really making me feel great... lots more energy and just plain feel better. Don't make it sexual, but she'll get the idea. It is true I do feel better today. Not sure if it's the meds or not.
-tell her that I'm getting use to the idea. It could be a lot of fun not having to answer to anyone.
-tell her that business is really going good. New big client with lots of potential for multiple joint projects in the future. The client is actually going to sell my services to his clients. Kind of a team approach. Actually, the client's not in the bag yet but I should know tomorrow. I can always make it sound bigger and better than it is.
-tell her that we should sell the house ASAP and that she needs to help with the painting and getting things ready. Push her to help out. She thinks I want to stay there.
-push her to file. Tell her I'm ready to get on with life. -- Really not sure about this one, it could backfire badly.
Please let me know what ya'll think. Thanks...........
We're both on Lexapro. I'm also taking Wellbutrin and propranoall. (probably not the correct spelling.)
Prescribed drugs are good.
I'm not sure if she still has problems from her first marriage. I know that he lost interest in her and went outside to find someone else. She's always said it was his fault. She may still have issues, I don't know.
I really don't think I can get her in the sack at this point, if I could it would probably save the marriage. But I'm having a hard time getting her to even sit on the same sofa. She's got her guard up.
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Another 180 that would really shock her, is if I didn't wear my wedding ring. I've never had it off my hands in 13 years. I don't really like the idea, but it would shock her.
I worry that some of these 180's might make her think that I am ready for divorce and encourage her to move forward.
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When she told me she was leaving a few weeks ago. I blew up. Yelled, stormed around the house, left the house and drove down the road. (Not something I do. I rarely ever get mad.) Then I came back and told her that I wasn't leaving. If she wanted out she'd have to be the one that left. That I was not leaving our marriage.
After 30 minutes she came in and said that we'd continue working on it. When we got in bed she said that she really wanted sex, but it was "that time of the month" and she couldn't do it. She also said that when I left she thought that she had lost me forever.
When we got up in the morning, she was all weepy and left for work. That evening I called her cell about 6:30-7:00 and she said that she was going to stay with a friend.
I think some of her friends/co-workers have been "supportive" and told her that she didn't need to live like this any more. One of her friends is single and man hungry and can't find one. The other one is married but her husband lives 4.5 hours away and they only see each other every other weekend for porn and hot sex.
I have the same but opposite issue with mortgage payment. What I did which seemed fair was to figure out what I'd be paying to rent something like my 2bx is renting and then make him responsible for paying half the mortgage above that amount. It's not fair to make the person who moved out pay half of the whole mortgage because you are using the house for your current shelter needs for which you would have to pay otherwise if the house was sold tomorrow. It makes sense if you think about the fact that you could move out too and the two of you could rent out the house to a third party and still equally share in any gain or loss in equity. Basically, you would be living rent-free in her half of the house if she were paying half the mortgage.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
MJontheMend - thanks, but I have to disagree with you on this. However I do understand what you are saying.
I think the real key thing is that it's a mortgage and we're building equity. If she doesn't pay her full half of the mortgage each month, then why should she get half of the house in the end?
Her name is on the mortgage and when things get divided she'll get half of the house, why shouldn't she have to continue paying her half? (Attorney said she'd get have of everything.)
Moretgage is 1500. She's renting a house for 750. She needs to pay for her new space 750 and half of the mortage 750.
After all, she chose to move out, not me. This isn't about being fair. I didn't quit.
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I really need some help on the 180 ideas in a few posts back....
12_51 it sounds like you have a million ideas floating around in your head.I am glad you are feeling better, but calm down! I know it can be frustrating to have your W's friends "support" her and her decision, but that's something you have no control over. There is a lot of good advice on these threads, but be careful you don't get caught up in game playing. She may get angry over such, esp. if she doesn't see her own issues AND her emotions are wild because its that time of the month. I think that some of the 180 ideas sre good, but too many changes at one time...what do you think?
2in2myself I see what you're saying, but what I've been doing hasn't been working, so it's time to change things up some. I went back and re-read the chapter about 180's and the LRT -- it may be time to employ them now.
She sees me a hurt and needy. I need to not tell her, but show her I'm moving on with life.
I've got to be careful, but it could scare her a little. Also, during that time of the month she often gets weepy and needy herself. She might just do a 180 herself.
Just ideas, but tonight could be the night to try some out.
Also, I don't want to give her the idea that I've changed and now agree with her decision.
12_51 You do sound like you have a better handle on things, and are calmer. You are correct about changing what doesn't work. Just stick to a game plan, and stay firm and confident, even if things do not go your way (and I really hope they do!). I agree that it is a good idea to show her some changes, just don't point them out to her (which is something I would probably do!) Be a rock!
