New Thread for 2940!!!!!

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Hey, 25 --

Well, do you think that Lin and 1210 have abandoned me???? Haven't heard from them in several days now... Lin and 1210, I hope you're still out there and will continue to post on my thread.

You said you guys had two "biggies" for R issues. One was sex, and the other was....communicating about sex?? Is that correct?

The two biggies were sex (a lack thereof) and communication about personal issues in general, not just about sex.

Are you both in agreement about this?

Who knows, as we have such a hard time communicating about personal things, but I would say that he would definitely agree with that. Whether he would say there were other issues,I'm not sure, but I think we would agree that those are the biggies. He did also mention that he wished I would lighten up a bit more when we went out and whatnot, but I don't think that was really a huge issue.

If so, what are you doing about it?

Well, as far as the sex, I have obviously been having more of it with him that I ever did when we were "together." I've definitely demonstrated my desire to work on this with him, but I think he believes that I'm only doing it because he wants me to, not because I want to. I know that this will just take time and repetition for him to believe that I want to be with him. I still have a long way to go and am determined. Further, obviously I am not SUPPOSED to be having sex with him at all right now...

As for the communication, who knows... I can't really work on that yet, other than to let it go for now and work on NOT talking about R/M/OW issues. I know that. I know I talk too much and control the conversations, etc. I started talking with my counselor this week on what I can read/work on to start learning from MY end what I can learn about myself and what I can try as far as communicating with him that might help. My counselor and I are going to start working on that, even though I can't really practice that much yet.

As far as being more outgoing, I have definitely done a lot in that area since we discussed this. I have worked really hard when we are out together to let my hair down more and let any of life's stresses go out the door. I have been drinking more, but not excessively by any means, just enough to help me relax more. I used to drink more when I was younger and had pretty much stopped altogether several years ago. Now I'm just having a few drinks when we go out. I've been working on having a really good time and just letting my guard down some. I'm pretty sure that he has noticed the difference here, but he has not said anything about it.

I can understand what you're saying regarding having anger and "triggers," even after the reconciling begins. I'm glad that your H wants to spend time with your daughter, but I can certainly understand how thinking about their past would make you upset. As you said, it's important to focus on the now and be glad that he wants to spend time with her now, for we can only affect the future, not the past, right?

Don't be freaked out by your anger. You'd be nuts not to feel some anger. There may come a time when there is too much pain and betrayal for you to go back, and that is usually when the LBSer comes to believe that trust cannot or will not be restored. Or that the conditions needed in order for the LBSer to really trust and really forgive, etc. are just too much work for the WAS. Especially if the WAS is proud. Their pride can ruin things, and so can ours.
....You are NOT at that stage by a long shot. Right now the more you ask, the more you push him away.

I know you're right. I'm having a really hard time with this. The last few days have been really challenging for me. For some reason, I have just been thinking more and more about how crazy this all is, that my H is sleeping with OW and I'm just letting it happen and praying that he will come to his senses... I feel like an idiot! There is a part of me that just wants to say that enough is enough; if you've truly decided that you want to work on us, then start sleeping at the office if you need to or on our couch, but don't continue to sleep with OW and say you want to work things out with me. Does he not see how cruel that is? It's tearing me apart. Don't get me wrong; I would much rather him tell me that than to what he was saying before, that he didn't want to be married to me anymore. At the same time, it just makes no sense and hurts so much... I'm just frustrated and angry and am tired of living this way.

I know you're going to tell me that all of this is under my control, that it's up to me and me alone to make me happy. But I feel like the only way to do that is to just completely get him out of my life and let him go. I can't do that with the business. I have to see and talk to him on occasion, and right now that is tearing me apart. If I continue to have contact with him, my heart keeps breaking, again and again and again.

I saw him this morning for a business meeting we had. It just about killed me. First off I of course notice that he did his hair nice today with gel in it and everything, so my mind automatically drifts to knowing that he stayed at OW's house last night, as he has not been showering at the office I know. (And I'm NOT assuming that; I really know. Soap hasn't been used in the shower, etc.) So I'm bummed as soon as I see him. I know I shouldn't think about these things and need to just let them go, but I guess I don't know how to do that... My mind wanders to these things, and I just don't know how to control it.

Then during our meeting we're both talking about how we did this together in the business and did that and how we are GOING to do this and do that in the future, etc., etc., etc. Of course every single time either me or H talks about future plans, my heart breaks again, wondering if we even have a future together. How do you let all of this go? I just don't know.

Then I go to leave, and I'm just feeling so defeated and upset. I just want so badly for him to say to me, "Honey, it's over with OW. I'm coming home." I know I may not be ready for him to come home; I know that. But I would so much rather him at least sleep on our couch or at the office than with her... At any rate, I'm sitting in my car getting ready to leave, and we finish our conversation and say our good-byes, and I just sit there looking up at him. He says "what?" I just keep looking at him with puppy dog eyes and don't say anything. So he leans down and kissed me softly on the lips. No passionate kiss, just a quick peck. And that was it. Then I left. Then I was mad at myself for "asking" for that with my eyes. I was mad for wanting some immediate gratification... I just hurt so much, and to have him show me any type of affection helps so much, if even for a moment... I know that's wrong. I know it... Then I think back to how I told him that him coming home was giving me mixed messages, etc. So then *I* "ask" him for a kiss? What am I thinking? Ugh... Now I'm giving HIM mixed messages.

So broke down in tears a few times tonight. Just feeling so alone and crazy for putting up with this. I don't want to live like this. I want my H and my M back. I know it's going to be a hard, and probably harder, road than we are even on now once we do start working on us, but at least we would be working on us. I keep wondering how long I can keep this up. I don't like the alternatives of D or giving him an ultimatum, but does that mean I just keep living in this crazy limbo land forever? I am so not a quitter, so I'm worried that I'll just hang in there until the end of time!!! At the same time, I'm so angry at myself for, once again, knowing what I need to do to improve my chances of him coming home sooner and then just getting caught up in the heat of the moment and acting impulsively and going backwards... Ugh!!!!

So, the next thing is tonight when I was upset I decided to call him, not to talk about R/M/OW, but just to ask him something about the business just to talk to him. Well, he answered his phone and said that he was with a real estate agent putting in an offer on a property... Uh-oh. I ask him about it, and he said he would tell me later. I called him back about an hour later, and he was still working on the paperwork.

So, now I potentially have to deal with the whole new property issue... I'm grateful that he still wants to and enjoys doing the business with me. I really am. And I know there are so many WAS's who don't want to have anything to do with their LBS's and are even verbally cruel and mean to them. At the same time, it hurts me grately to be in business with him right now - because of the contact we have and me knowing that he is with someone else. It's just really hard. I don't know the right answer.

We'll see if he calls me back tonight. I'm not going to call him again. I've already called him too many times tonight...

I'm really, really, really tired of this, guys... Sigh.

I wish you could look at this as "practice" at being a widow but NOT one who is still in grief. I wish you'd become a woman who is seeking and finding out what ELSE the world offers her. Does Any of this resonate?

Sorry, 25. Wish I could say that I could do this. I can't "pretend" he's "dead" when I have to talk to him usually every day somehow for something about the business. And my grief is still very much alive. Even though I enjoy myself when I'm out having fun with friends and whatnot, H is still on my mind, and my hurt is still very much real,especially when I have to answer as to how H is doing or to tell H hi from them or why H isn't there, etc., etc... I hate acting like everything is okay all of the time. It hurts.

I don't feel like I can truly move on to find out what else the world has to offer me until I completely let him go, and I just don't want to do that yet, and don't think I can unless we aren't in business together... This sucks!!!!!!