You are so right. I have done that at other times, but this time, I was really busy, and tired, and just didn't have the energy to think about what to talk about, and I didn't think he'd stay more than long enough to pick up his mail. (it was at work, not home). In the past, when I knew when he was coming, I made a conscious effort to set this all aside, and just be happy to be in the same room with him. And, I'd had a while to sort of prepare mentally, and emotionally. This time, I thought he was coming the day before. I'd taken special care on my hair and outfit, and he didn't come. So, I was also emotionally deflated and disapointed. That didn't help my attitude.... and that's how it got out of hand.
There were other things in the conversation, that were actually almost hopeful, which contributed to my being so mad at myself. For one, H said something like he wanted was to be alone. He'd said this before he left to live with her too. Maybe, that means things are no longer as good as he had anticipated.
The more I thought about the conversation, besides all of my blabbering, something else was almost said, by H. While I don't know what it was H was about to say, I sure wish he'd have finished what he started to say. I can't remember the exact words... but it was something like: 'one thing that would have to...' and then he stopped. I have no idea what he was going to say. Of course my brain has been compiling a list of possibilities... different financial arrangement, never to mention OW, something I do that he hates, ... maybe he knows about this bb and wants me to never post... I have no idea! But, you can imagine my imagination!
It was like the very teeny tinyest indication that just maybe, he had thought about us being together again, but he still needed more time, and has some concerns. And, that's a start, right? So, I am still hopeful at the same time as feeling really bad about the things I said.
So, back to backing off, and leaving him alone, as he has said he wants. I'm sure OW is not doing that. So, maybe its something I can give him right now, that OW can't, or won't. Thanks so much for your suggestions Karen. I really appreciate them.
