Help!YO YO H is killing me.

[ANewMe]

He has told me that if he couldn't be married to me he wouldn't ever get married again. but then he also told me he couldn't work on our relationship because he had no time for it and has had her all the time. It is such a gut renching experience. I think that being around some one for 27yrs and 25 years have been married even thru the bad times we have always remained there for each other and friends. I think that is the problem he knows that I am always here. That is the hard part. When he had the last A ( I think the start of the MLC) It started in 2002 she was the greatest and finally the real her came out. She stalked me for a long time. Then he begged me to come back. then I swore I wouldnot do this again but here I am . I am a gluten for punishment it has taken a toll on me. I like 2940 hit rock bottom. I think I was so hurt that I had let my guard down and he slam dunked me again.

I have to tell you, I think we are married to twins. At least you are still married to yours. My D will be final as soon as I get the papers and sign them. However, I am still standing and will until I can't anymore.

H and I have been married for 20 years, together for 21. We have two sons together, age 20 and 17 and I have a son by a previous marriage who is 32. Overall our marriage was a good one. Most of our friends were envious at how much fun we had together and how good we got along. We had problems the first year we were married and after we worked through that we were doing well. Until late 1998-early 1999, H had a one night stand with a woman he had an online EA with. He had been acting really strange but wouldn't tell me anything until I found half of a keychain he had given her. He left it right out in the open where I could find it. He wanted to be caught. I fell apart and we tried to work through it but he went from being remorseful and contrite to hard and cold within a week or two telling me continually to get over it. I kicked him out and we were separated for about 3 months before he begged me to let him come back.

Things were strained and many time I questioned why I let hi return, then we seemed o work through it and were doing better with only short periods of him withdrawing and doing things that seemed as if he was planning another escape. But they would pass. I know believe that he was beginning a MLC when he strayed the first time but I didn't know anything about it and convinced him to come home. This interrupted his crisis and now he is going through it again with a vengence.

Then the next bomb in March, 2004. He didn't want to be married anymore but I was about a year and a half from finishing my degree in Special Education and he couldn't leave until I got a job. He moved out in August of 2005. He came around in July, 2006 (he was never too ar from us during that time except for the first month or two) and showed signs of changing his mind. After an evening of us talking and making out before he went back to his apartment, he withdrew big time and while I was on vacation visiting my S32 in South Carolina, a good friend of ours began sleeping with him. He has been angry and vindictive most of the time since. He feels guilty and blames everything on me. Both sons have told him they want nothing to do with OW. Another couple who were friends with both us and the OW and her XH, still stay in contact with me despite the H being my H's best friend and the W having been OW's best friend most of their lives. I don't think either of them like that either. They have few friends and MIL and FIL must have ask H and OW not to come visit them this Spring Break (H always took Ss there but neither S wanted to go this year).

I really don't know what kind of advice I can give you. YOu seem to be doing better at being nice than I have been. The only thing I can tell you is spend some time going out with friends. Sometimes when he pops in or calls, be on your way out. Don't feel the need to tell him everything you do or everywhere you go.

I have read an abundance of books, so many I could almost become a marriage counselor in fact I will be beginning a Master's in Counseling in the fall so you never know

I have read, The Five Love Languages, Understanding Mid-Life Crisis, Love and Respect, The Purpose Driven Life, and am now reading the Silent Son but the book that has helped me the most is the Bible. The one positive thing that has come out of this s that S17 began going to church with his best friend and with his GF when he visits her. I have renewed my R with God and am feeling more so much better. I feel calmer and more optimistic despite H still shutting me out as much as possible. He can't help but send me email sometimes but quite often it is negative and spewing in nature. He has no reason to contact me anymore but seems to do so more often now. H is still with OW, it will soon be 10 months since they began their affair. I know it will not last because when H comes out of this horrible MLC, he will not like her. She is everything he doesn't like in a person. She is selfish, greedy, and spent a lot of time putting her H down when we went out together as oouples. She is controlling and can't stay home for more than one weekend a month. That was something her H was unhappy with. Rumor has it that she cheated on her H and that was the final straw for him. She told mutual friends after she moved because their home was sold, that living in a crappy one bedroom apartment with her daughter and not having any money was not all it was cracked up to be and she was going to do something about it. The something was go after my H.

As you can see there are some similarities in our situation and the things that your H said to you were almost word for word what my H said to me. I know it doesn't feel like it but you are lucky that your H has kept in contact with you so much since OW. My H's OW doesn't want H having anything to do with me and he is doing as he is told right now. I know it will not last.

I urge you to go to the MLC board and read some of the posts, especially by BrandNewDay, Rollercoasterider, and some of the others. There are success stories there. BrandNewDay and her H, I believe, was apart from her H for about 4 years.

We are here and will listen and give feedback if needed. Sorry this is so long, I just have quite a long history in the MLC arena. I hope this helps you a little.