I'm new to this site in terms of posting, but have been 'lurking' for a while now trying to find clarity and felt compelled to put my story out there. There is so much to tell so please forgive me if it is scattered about...
I'm 33 yrs old, hubby is 32. Married almost 10 yrs, have 2 daughters, 4 & 6 yrs old. Our marriage has been rocky from the start. Hubby (I'll call DH) witnessed severe emotional/verbal/physical abuse towards his mom for many years. This is quite different from the picture-perfect family I grew up in.. We didn't know each other long before getting married, I had no idea some of the skeletons in his closet. He has a drug problem. Pot is his drug of choice and he has smoked it (I found out after marriage) since he was 15. In the past, he's been verbally & emotionally abusive..physical once or twice. We had the 'talk' about the drugs 6 yrs ago, then 4, then 2 and I asked him to leave the marital home 8mos ago. When he came back, he had sworn things would change and, after seeing no change, I asked him to leave again and told him I wanted a divorce. We've seen a counselor, but it's difficult to get to the bottom of the issues because he refuses to discuss the drug issue because he is afraid of losing our children. I am not proud of what I have put up with, not proud of how I have allowed him to treat our children ..he had a huge issue with our now 4 yr old, used to scream that he hated her and wished we never had her. Subsequently, she has quite the temper and I struggle with repairing deep anger issues on a daily basis.
I am an educated woman and we both work FT. Our marriage has a history of financial struggles and we have constantly battled his anger. He was recently diagnosed with Meniere's disease and has been treated for that, on medication for bipolar and is pledging to "be" all I need.
I feel I am done. I've been called every name in the book...I've been built up only to be torn down in a heartbeat. I was overweight my entire life and 3 yrs ago dropped over 100 pds. I went from a sz 16 to a 2 and had (and continue to have) difficulty accepting me as I am. I was most vulnerable about my weight and he used it against me countless time ..when we fought, he immediately called me "fat" names to tear me to the core. I also experienced a horrible car accident in 2005 that required surgery to put my arm/wrist back together again after it was shattered into 16 pieces. I endured horrible pain and had metal rods drilled into my arm and an external fixator, months of PT, subsequent surgeries, etc. While he stood by me during this time...there was a pivotal eye-opening moment where he told me he wished I would have just died because taking care of me is a total 'pain in the ass'....
He is begging and pleading for another chance and I am at a loss...I am desperate not to hurt my girls...but I know that I am teaching them how to choose their future spouse, and I'm not doing a very good job of it. I don't think he can stop w/the drugs...it's totally throughout his family and he hasn't been able to stop for 10 yrs. He says he never "wanted the marriage to work this bad" so it will definitely be 'this time' he stops...I don't feel he deserves another chance...I am young and I feel that I have put myself out there over and over only to be slapped in the face and let down continuously. Dh has missed endless days at work (oh joy..we work together) ...as in he's called out at least 45 days this year so far and is at risk of being fired..he's irresponsible...but he 'loves' me so much (so he claims)....
At what point do you say enough is enough? I see so many putting up with affairs, etc. and wonder if I'm looking for something that doesn't exist. I don't feel I love him any more..I can't love someone that is capable of hurting me so bad..and i don't think i can get that back...do some people have fatal character flaws that can't be rectified? How do you know divorce is the 'right' choice...I desperately long to be happy and don't feel he can be my true partner...he lacks integrity, character, a work ethic...I can't rely on him.....I feel so lost and so alone....
