I've mostly been lurking lately, but I do have some comments for you. I had a PA seventeen years ago and want to spill my guts in the hope that my experience might help you. A lot of people here know my story, but I don't know about you. So I'll give you a thumbnail version.
W and I were teenagers when we got married. We had only known each other for about three months. We both had strong religious beliefs against pre-marital sex, so it wasn't until after we were married that I found out that she had a very low sex drive and was mentally/emotionally unable to have a normal SL. Our SL consisted of me doing oral on her and getting a half-hearted HJ in return roughly every six weeks - if I was lucky. We didn't have IC for over eleven years. IC became a twice a year thing after that. I had my A at about the 14 year mark. It lasted nine months. We went into MC and things got marginally better between us, but W flat out refused to address the sexual issues.
She had a hysterectomy several years ago and as soon as she recovered from the surgery she started having IC once a week just like clockwork. That lasted not quite a year and then went back to the previous pattern with no explanation. She won't discuss it. We had been to the C off and on ever since the A, but I went back alone to talk about this issue. That's when the C told me about W being diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. The diagnosis had been independently confirmed by another C we had seen and confirmed by yet another C with whom this one had shared notes. I left here around that time explaining that we obviously had much bigger problems than SSM to deal with.
There's a lot more, but that should give you enough background to understand where I'm coming from. So now to the meat of this post. I want to tell you a little from the cheater's side, but since my W had, and still has, some serious issues, I'm not sure how applicable my experience is to your particular sitch.
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Does it matter how good I make things for him now? Will he always do this to me no matter how well I am taking care of him in all ways in our M?
While I am in no way trying to excuse my A, for me it was all about the sex. As NOP says in his sig lines, I felt entitled. I was a good man. I was a good H. I had been way more than understanding for many, many years. I deserved to have my sexual needs and desires met. In my case, I can say for certain that I would not have strayed if I had felt that W was even making an effort to meet my needs. But I didn't. I felt like she wasn't trying and in fact, didn't even care.
As to whether he will do it again, like before, I can only answer for myself. In all honesty, I'm tempted all of the time. Once the year of weekly sex had passed, W's libido just seemed to dry up completely. I still get the obligatory HJ every couple of weeks, but obligatory is exactly how it feels. This past weekend I went down on her, but that's the first time she's allowed that in ages. I honestly can't even remember the last time we ML. So, yes, I still feel entitled. I still feel cheated. And like NOP has pointed out, it's frighteningly easy to find a willing partner - AFF being only one of the more obvious ways. It's only through religious conviction and steely resolve that I haven't had another A (or two or three...). So I guess I'm saying that if the sitch is the same, the feelings and the things that were used to justify the A are the same as well. Fortunately in your case, things are not the same. So while I can't speak for your H, I can say for myself that my desire to seek satisfaction elsewhere hasn't diminished a bit. Only my willingness to succumb to that desire has changed.
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I guess another question is that sometimes I feel as if he has absolutely no respect for me. How does the person feel that had the A? Do they feel like the spouse that forgives has no self respect if he/she is willing to "allow" per se their spouse to cheat and stay w/ them. I guess that's my real reasoning for saying "not again." B/c I feel as if I have given up some of my self respect or maybe even a lot by staying in the M after all of the A's.
Respect is another tough one. It's difficult to explain, but I never really lost respect for W either before or during the A. It sounds like a cheater's justification, and maybe it is, but the A was completely separate from our M. It's a poor analogy, but think of it as getting tires for your car (we're assuming that your local dealer doesn't sell tires). You may be religious about maintaining your car and go to the dealer for everything - even car washes. But your tires eventually wear out and need to be replaced. The fact that you go to the tire place down the street to get something not offered at the dealer really has no bearing at all on your feelings about the dealer. It's something completely separate. It's something you need that just isn't available where you normally have your car serviced. Of course there's no moral obligation involved in tires. There's no pledge of fidelity either. But even though it's a poor analogy, it does picture how I looked at it at the time.
When it comes to keeping me, taking me back, or however you want to look at it, I actually respect her more. I saw the error of my ways, I confessed, I apologized, and I said that I would never do it again. And she accepted that. I believe in repentance and I believe in second chances, but in all honesty, I'm not sure if I would have been a big enough person to forgive W if the tables had been reversed. But, and this is the kicker, if I were to do it again, and if she were to let it go again, I can say with near certainty that I would lose respect for her. It's the old fool me once, shame on you - fool me twice, shame on me.
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Well, I think I've pretty much decided that if he CHOOSES to cheat again (especially during this next year's deployment) and CHOOSES to tell me about it, he will be G - O - N - E.
Have you made that clear to him? I don't remember when you found out about the multiple A's, but it doesn't matter. What's past is past and you have no reason to lose self-respect. But now is the time for a clear boundary. If you have made it clear to your H that you will no longer accept any kind of A, be it EA or PA, then you need to stick to that in order for you to respect yourself and for your H to respect you.
