Your questions were for the most part answered by Ian. You asked what was working. I think that you getting distance from him and not being there kissing his butt was working for you. He WILL want you if he can't have you. He WILL want you if you are strong enough to be without him and you are enjoying your own life. And the longer it goes on, the more he will come to realize he wants to be with you. But you can't be weak here. There is no difference from the time you were in Jr High...playing hard to get still works on big dumb oxen like us. :p
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Thank you so much for taking your time out to help me. I am not totally "naive", but I was a late bloomer. I did not start having sex until I was twenty-two years old and as my H very well knows he was and is the first who was able to get me to ever "O" at the age of 28.I really wanted to save myself for marriage. I will be 38 this year in November. I did not date very much before hooking up w/ H.
H will be 37 in June, but he is very imature in some ways especially when he gets down to our kids level or his newphew who when playing video games w/ he MUST always win or he will have a temper tantrum just like his nephew would. The two are always going at it like children. I think I 've stated before that about eleven years ago he was diagnosed w/ "imature personality disorder" and this was when as a punishment for something he did his cheif in the Navy had his salary suspended and therefore he was so depressed they put him in the pyche ward for a weekend at the base. H is the typical latin macho man.
I think I will go back to telling everyday to move out and make it my only response to any conversation.
I think I will go back to telling everyday to move out and make it my only response to any conversation
I'm not sure about this plan. It certainly fulfills the criteria of hard to get, but you should be very fun, happy, silly, and maybe even a little flirtatious, but just leave him on the outskirts of your life. Basically, a tease. Don't let him hug you, kiss you, etc, but don't be cold. The thought is, tempting, desirable, but unobtainable. And yes, you can drop the, "I want you to move out bomb" whenever he starts getting the impression that you want a guy that wants to have a wife and girlfriend both.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
I started back to pulling the reigns full force. Please just keep reminding me of that. Last night H came home very upbeat and started to tell me about that he has never had a man tell him that he makes him happy and continued to tell me to guess who that was and in non caring kinda way I answered like I really did not care oh let me see your boss? THis is how I have to detach. This is how it started to work for me the last ,but I just did not do it long enough. When I am nicey nice and flirtatous it back fires and I think it's b/c he sees it as me bieng weak again. When I get too comforatble he feels free to put me down and also he can see how it hurts me. WHen I detach in a non-caring kinda way (not being mean), he seems to pursue me. I have tried the flirtatious way and it soes not work for him. I have been dressing more sexy (see thru kinda (wife-beater) shirts and stuff like that AND he is definetly noticing. H will not hide (this time around) that he is looking. I caught him looking lastnight, BUT for some reason him looking made feel uncomfortable? Later after I took a shower I strangely felt compeled to keep covered up w/ my robe even though I had e sexy top on. All the other times (before we finally had sex the other day) if H would get too close or lay next to me on my bed just to chit chat or even if he brushed his hands agains mine, I would feel strange? like I could not even sit that close to him???? I want to feel like that again b/c it helped me to detach. I don't know if having sex w/ him just thru me off again and today I am feeling emotional.UGH!!!!! I was doing soooooo good.
H noticed my coldness/distancing while I was cooking and he even ?accidentaly called me "dear". H caught himself and said why did I just call you that? I did not answer and ignored it. I felt like I was far away in la la land. H knows I like him coming home and him telling me about his day, but I just wanted be alone. I let my oldest daughter sleep w/ me lastnight, kinda letting him know, no more hanck-pancky, it helps me too.
H will be in the islands this weekend for business. This morning he left for work??right... at the carck of dawn-5am! I am sure to get his fix b/c w/ him getting ready and all he's been coming straight home everynight this week and he leaves tomorrow so I expected him probably staying out late 2nite, BUT i guess H decided to get laid early this morning.
I am just going "dark" I guess as much as one can go dark when still livng together.
like Ian said no talks of anything except when it comes to the kids or finances. That is what I was doing last night when I was showing no interest in small talk w/ him.
I did make enough food for all of us. I can't seem to just be able to eat infront of him and not let him eat too. So, as far as only making enough food just for me and the kids well that's a hard one for me. I remember how hurt I was when he would do that to me out of spite a long time ago.
I asked nicely and politely if he sould clean the dishes and he got angry b/c he a lot to do to get ready for his trip. H ewas ironing his clothes "you see I'm not just sitting on my ass". I did not say you were I just said when you finish. You see he has had it tooo cushy and not helping w/ ANY house hold chores whatsoever. I am changing that too. At one time he was doing the dishes every night and w/out me asking him too(can we say-guilt?). He stopped and has gotten too comfortable. I fianlly told him that I did not have to take his crap anymore. H says "fine then move out" I just shook my head in agreement.
Well, I went to bed w/out doing the dishes and lo and behold he did them!!
Keep up the looking good and sexy. But don't let him see you naked....like after a shower,etc.
Okay, stick with aloof but looking good. I'd suggest getting some me time if you can. He can deal with the kids.
This coming and going to the house and then to OWs is B.S. I don't know how you nip it in the bud. I think it may come down to you going to the lawyer first and starting the legal ball rolling. As you said, you don't have to put up with his crap, nor should you.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
There is a promblem w/ leaving the kids. Every time I have done that he takes them to OW's house or out to do something w/ her and then when they return it hurts so much to hear the girls say how much fun they had w/ her! The last time he did this they stayed for a sleep over!! I draw the line there and chewd a piece of A$$ out of him.
So if want to GAL I have to get a sitter.
Yes I have been doing a lot of thinking on how I am going to get the money to see a lawyer. In the email to him the other day I stated that the only reason I have not filed is b/c I did not have the funds right now, but if need be I will see a way.
Max out the credit card on a lawyer. Use a credit card check. Anyone that would openly bring his kids to share in his infidelity is not worth having around. You have got to break this cycle.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
UGH! Oh! The lies... I knew something was up when H left at 5 this morning and I just assumed he went to get his "fix" early before work and before he goes on his SUPPOSEDLY business trip that was SUPPOSEDLY he was to leave tomorrow. I was feeling wierd and so I called his job "he is on vacation until Monday"!
AHHHHHH! I need to desperatley see if I can borrow some $ to get this D started. I know going thru the city court system is suppose to be alot cheaper.
Just Me, All of my credit cards are maxed and we do not have any joint accounts. Beleive me I WILL get a hold of some money and soon!!
Chicki, I am so sorry you are going through this. I wish I had advice for you, but I'm sorry I don't know what to say. There are lots of unfavorable things I could say about your H, but I will keep them to myself.
I'm sure some of the other DB's will have words of wisdom for you. Just know that I'm thinking of you.
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
