I see it as infatuation, but from what she tells me about how she feels. - Does not feel close to me, does not get her emotional needs met by me... Then to make that feel even worse, she follows it up by - she knows that the relationship with OM can't work, but it feels like she has known him for a long time, that he is sensitive, that she feels safe with him. She says she is the happiest she has been in a long time, and that she has been unhappy for a long time.
Somedays she is convinced I could never fill that void. That she can't give me what I need, and I can't give her what she needs. - Other days she realizes that the void is something she is trying to fill with him, and its the same as it was with me in the beggining, that we had all the closeness and safety.
I think she is having a MLC: he is 10 years younger than she is, and he is saying and doing all the right things. The attention he is showing her is a big part of this. I also understand the affair is a symptom and not the full cause for our marriage being so close to disolving.
I still love her, but for the most part I have let her go. Most of the time I believe that she is rewritting history, and that through the hurt and neglect she can't remember what our relationship was like in the beginning.
Today i need some reasurrance. Are the things she saying unique? Or is this common for me to be hearing?
My W is in the same relationship with her ex-kickboxing coach (10 years her junior).
She told me the same things when she started to have feelings for him back around X-mas.
I didn't handle it too well, and did all the wrong things for around 3 months, pushing her closer to him.
Their R is still EA, and she doesn't know how he feels about her, but she too told me she cared for me but was no longer in love with me.
Thats after 17 years of infactuation with each other. MLC is a pain, you have done the right thing and let her go. Too much pressure would push her further and further away.
Have a look at the MLC links, your story is pretty much going to the plan of an MLC wife.
Give her time, without any pressure from you, and hopefully things may get less cloudy for her.
I know that when I found out about OM, and employed DR, she has made a lot of baby steps and has become more pleasant around me. She still see's him due to her common interests but I don't think the feelings are as intense as when I nearly pushed her into his arms (PA).
I also noticed that when I employed GAL, she has become more interested in my daily activities.
Hang in there buddy.
AndyV M38 W36 D7 M 13 years Together 17 years W wants D mid Dec 06 (ring off) W wants separation early Jan 07 (she backdated to Oct 06) EA revealed end March 07 (Nov 06 W first meeting with OM) Hallmark moment "I care for you but am no longer in love with you."
Andy and Next, I guess you have seen some of the LBS threads, but if you need some encouragement, NikkiB and Cliffy are having some successes with their DBing. Sometimes it helps to just know that it is working for someone!!
Best wishes, SD
Me 41 W 41 Kids: S9 S7 Married 16 years Bomb dropped 2/2/07 Still living together! current thread
My wife spends a lot of time text messaging this guy when she is at home, she also makes little snide comments to me about "my bedroom, or my house" in a joking/sarcastic manner. THis doesn't bother me, but she does it around my 15year old stepdaughter (her daughter). We have talked to her about our sleeping in different rooms, but she is not aware of the full magnitude of the situation. I don't want her to be exposed to all of this, and to feel this is natural for relationships.
I feel like if she continues to do these things, I need to talk to my wife and tell her I feel its inappropriate and I'd like her to stop. But i don't want to come across as controlling or trying to avoid the facts of the situation. I just feel she needs to be more discreet with her affair, and until we are sure about what we are doing, making snide comments is just innapropriate around the kids.
I don't know what to do. I'm thinking about sending my wife this letter, do you think its a bad idea? I'm at the point now that if she says no, then I will have to move on, so maybe i have nothing to lose? What are you guys thoughts?
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I understand that you have been unhappy, that you hurt more than I can ever know. But I also know that you can remember. You can remember what we were like when we first started dating before we had kids, staying up talking until 5am, holding hands, nurturing each other, making love, and just dreaming. I can’t speak for you, but if you still feel anything, then please remember.
I don't think we are unique, and I know you don’t believe in soul-mates. So what’s next? I heard you tell me about how happy you are with him. Hearing that hurt, but it also reminded me of how we used to be. Unless you changed your mind about soul-mates, then you are like me and know that relationships need work - a lot of work. And when you stop working on the maintaining the connection, the connection that two people feel deteriorates. I know that our connection has deteriorated, and it's bad. But I also remember what it was like, and if I am going to work on any relationship, I want it to be ours.
If not then what are we saying to our girls. I want better for my girls. I don't want them to feel the pain that we have been through when they grow up. I don’t want to teach them that relationships are things you use and run from after neglecting them long enough. We have been through a lot together, things most couples never go through. We made it through them, and I believe with all my heart we can make it through this, we can try to heal what we once had.
Maybe we neglected each other for too long, and the distances between us to far. If so then maybe we should just end this and figure out how to be parents going forward. But if you have any feelings left, or if you can still remember, then please remember. We owe it to ourselves and the girls to try.
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please give me your thoughts? Any women who were once WAWs out there, as many peoples opinions I can get will help me decide on my next move.
Next, How long has it been since all of this started? She may respond favorably, but could also respond unfavorably. Are you ready to end it if she does respond unfavorably or do you want to stand for your marriage?
I would not send the letter unless you are ready to possibly end your marriage. It's been many years since I received a letter from a boyfriend that told me the reason we should not have broken up. All it did was make me confirm that was what I wanted. He was pursuing me and nothing could change my mind, I just knew there was no way I would ever want him back. He stopped pursuing and it wasn't long before I was the pursuer. Of course I was very young and not married back then so the circumstances are different, but it's the only thing I have to relate it too.
I've been separated for 6 months and it has been the hardest thing I have ever been through, but I'm not ready to give in. So I'm going to stick with DBing until we reunite or I believe I have done everything I can do to save my marriage and it's time to move on.
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
