Aud, You are doing a great job. You are a doing a good job assessing the situation. Just remember we have to think with our head and our heart. I think you have found the right combination.
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
The weekend has been nice...H and I took the kids to buy a clubhouse/swingset for our backyard on Thursday and he spent Thursday evening, all day Friday and Saturday assembling the thing. It's huge and the kids love it. I took some time out and helped him, and it was fun to work together.
Things are going pretty good. Here's a list of positives: -H seems happy, relaxed and comfortable with us -H didn't get to work on any of his planned projects for this weekend, but seems okay with that -H has backed off just a little in the affection dept, but still initiates big and little interactions -H is sure to let me know when he'll be home, and makes an effort to go to bed with me most nights -H went to church with us today, and cheerfully watched the kids while I went to choir practice and a performance later this evening, then had supper ready when I returned
I am so happy and grateful for these things, to have this opportunity now. My happiness is tentative, though. I think I'm feeling what Cat03 mentioned once...about waiting for the other shoe to drop...the awareness that things could easily go back to the nightmare, and the associated anxiety. I sense little remorse/humility from H, and knowing that he is an accomplished and habitual liar makes me uncomfortable to say the least. It's hard to know how to juggle our personality differences and keep them in perspective with everything. I'm still reading and seeking answers in my own life.
I don't see any way around this though--it's something we have to deal with. I'll just keep plowing through, keep learning and watching and praying. One step at a time.
I sense little remorse/humility from H, and knowing that he is an accomplished and habitual liar makes me uncomfortable to say the least.
Hon, men are proud creatures, my H wanted us to just move on and not to talk about the S, the A, ow, because he was ashamed he messed up so badly and just wanted it out of his mind. I remember on new year's we had a little blow up and I told him how I expected him to hug me and to console me when I was having thoughts about the A. He explained me that whenever he thinks of those times and anything related to it he recoils and shuts his brain out of those memories, and that that was why he couldn't conmiserate. The ow made a fool of himself, he made a fool of himself those months and he didn't want to remember them anymore.
My H is also a habitual liar, and it has been hard. But, ALWAYS give your H the benefit of the doubt, begin with that, build your trust by being on his side. It takes time to give them your full trust again, it totallly understandble.
As for personality differences, most problems are not meant to be solved, they are to be accepted, and by that I mean you are not always going to be able to have your H understand/agree w/you and vice versa. You learn to accept your differences and respect them.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Cat, I understand what you're saying, and I'm totally willing to do these things. I don't expect my elephant to come home and curl himself up in my lap (to use a Dr. Laura metaphor).
I do believe, however, that in some ways my natural tendency to give him the benefit of the doubt, etc. has enabled his lying behavior. I don't want to slip back into that place. I'm okay with moving forward with no more moaning over the A's or the past in general.
The fact remains that so much of this has resulted from H's poor choices...how do I encourage him to make better choices and hold his feet to the fire when he makes bad ones? Any ideas on walking that fine line?
I am still battling with that issue myself, Aud. I think I have come to the conclusion that it is up to my H to win back my trust, if he chooses, and to make the right choices. He is not a child, and he knows right from wrong. All I can do now, is be the best me, and if he chooses something or someone else, then I will move on without him. It will be his loss. There are no more chances for him, unfortunately, since we have been M for 21 years, and I have reached the point in my life when enough is enough.
That is the problem with habitual liars, and serial cheaters - when do they stop? When it is a repetitive thing, how do you know they will change their behaviour in the future? The simple answer is .... you don't. The first time they lied and/or cheated, and you forgave them, you thought that they would've learned, but you found out they didn't.
I like a lot of Dr. Phil's advice, especially on M. Here is one link where I found a lot of good info:
I always remember this part: "Remember, the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior."
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
Aud, I just thought I would crawl in to your thread for a moment to see what is up with you.
Quote:I don't expect my elephant to come home and curl himself up in my lap (to use a Dr. Laura metaphor).
I don't think you would want the elephant to come home and crawl in your lap. I have been having my elephant in my lap for a couple of weeks now and it is a tad bit uncomfortable.
Anyway, I think you are doing marvelously well with keeping things in perspective. You have mentioned in my thread about FAITH and it is good to see you "walking your talk". No immortal words of wisdom from me...just letting you know that I keep a weary eye open to all the things that happen to you...peace
