It just gets to me when I think about the past, how things were, and how they could have been had I not blown it.
PMA, Act as if and laugh as much as possible.
Tyler, Be careful with conclusions you come-up with. You will likely be "beating yourself up" over fiction--something you created in your mind that is not true, but sure seems like it. I think it's going to be awhile before you get some perspective on your situation--at least several months.
At this stage in the DB process, I don't think it's possible to be objective about who contributed what to the marital problems. Be clear about your goals, work like crazy at becoming excellent at DB, GAL, detachment, unconditional love, acceptance, and other life skills.
Accept the fuzziness of confusion for now. Things will become more clear later.
CL
That is very true CL. I know I shouldn't but the other day she made a comment about this trip to Michigan and her sister being pissy that she wasn't invited along with W. (W is visiting friends of her family). W said this is how it always is, I get a hard time about everything I do. We were at the gym so I didn't want to get into it and I really am trying to validate. I had enough though and said, 'look what about the trips to Nashville, Orlando and Jackson? I didn't give you a hard time about that, you went with your friends, I stayed because of work and that was the end of it. I'm getting a little tired of hearing 'everything and always'. Because its not true. I will own up to what I've done, but I'm not going to let you keep diminshing the good I've done and when I have got it right.' With that I walked away and continued to workout. I know I shouldn't have said anything and I really didn't want to fight. Thankfully it did not become a fight and she responded with, "you know what I'm talking about". I said, yes I do and I've never once said that was right or I should have been that way. I have been letting her say what she wants and validating but sometimes you really want things to stay close to reality or at least remind them of things they might be overlooking. I think that by validating her comment about knowing what she is talking about took a little steam away from her response or reaction to me defending myself. I owned what I did, yet didn't take ownership of the things others have done and she wanted to throw me under the bus for. If that makes sense.
You're definitely right though, that kind of conversation can wait for later when the fuzziness subsides and the blocking out of anything good I've ever done is over. That is, if the conversation is ever even necessary. I'd like to shoot for being in a place where I can just let it go and not need to rehash it or hope for an apology once things are better. I'd really like to just move on into a whole, fulfilling brand new relationship with W that completely eclipes the negative. Then it will all be a non-issue, so why discuss it?
