I started listening to M&V again yesterday which is always a good shot in the arm for me. I'm reminded again how much mistrust and unsolicited criticism and advice = distancing, lethargy, a lack of responsibility in h. I really, really want to table my criticism and advice. I feel it oozing out of me! I can't remember if I mentioned this recently but one thing I need to do is just shut up a bit more...that worked SO well the first time around. I don't MEAN to say something that sounds untrusting of his abilities, it just comes out that way ;-) I think the less said the better.
So, this weekend (and beyond) is ALL about forgoing that sort of "helpful" commentary for h....and also about quieting the "what if, what if" voices in my head.
Sage,
Hmmm...glad you're turning to M/V for some advice. Two things come to mind immediately as I read your post. 1) How much does your "need" to advise reflect your need to be in control? I know how much "control" can be an issue when you're a new mother. Having a solid sense of control helps one feel like we are protecting our offspring -- I believe this sense of control at this age of children is part of our evolution. However, it can really get in the way, too. I recall having an argument with XH1 when our children were little. The poor man was trying to help me fold laundry, but he wasn't folding the towels "right". I started picking at him, and he finally pointed out that at least he was helping. Doy.
Which brings me to my second point -- 2) Are you validating your H? Are you giving him words and acts of encouragement and support? Remember, he's a new father too. I think new fathers really struggle. There is so much that seems to come to women "instinctually" after we give birth. I think sometimes new fathers just really flounder and wonder if they are doing anything correct at all. It is critical that they know they are a part of the baby too. If they don't feel that way, they will indeed wander, possibly into another R.
