I started listening to M&V again yesterday which is always a good shot in the arm for me. I'm reminded again how much mistrust and unsolicited criticism and advice = distancing, lethargy, a lack of responsibility in h. I really, really want to table my criticism and advice. I feel it oozing out of me! I can't remember if I mentioned this recently but one thing I need to do is just shut up a bit more...that worked SO well the first time around. I don't MEAN to say something that sounds untrusting of his abilities, it just comes out that way ;-) I think the less said the better.
So, this weekend (and beyond) is ALL about forgoing that sort of "helpful" commentary for h....and also about quieting the "what if, what if" voices in my head.
Sage,
Hmmm...glad you're turning to M/V for some advice. Two things come to mind immediately as I read your post. 1) How much does your "need" to advise reflect your need to be in control? I know how much "control" can be an issue when you're a new mother. Having a solid sense of control helps one feel like we are protecting our offspring -- I believe this sense of control at this age of children is part of our evolution. However, it can really get in the way, too. I recall having an argument with XH1 when our children were little. The poor man was trying to help me fold laundry, but he wasn't folding the towels "right". I started picking at him, and he finally pointed out that at least he was helping. Doy.
Which brings me to my second point -- 2) Are you validating your H? Are you giving him words and acts of encouragement and support? Remember, he's a new father too. I think new fathers really struggle. There is so much that seems to come to women "instinctually" after we give birth. I think sometimes new fathers just really flounder and wonder if they are doing anything correct at all. It is critical that they know they are a part of the baby too. If they don't feel that way, they will indeed wander, possibly into another R.
I hadn't been by piecing in I can't remember how long and decided to catch up with how you are doing.
I wouldn't presume to give you advice but reading your posts had my head spinning a bit and didn't seem the same as reading the Sage of old. Not that I'm calling you old!
I hope you have a bit more peace and ease in your life now lady.
YOU deserve it.
Big Hugs!
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
Hey oldtimer! I'm ok...Charlotte is actually 15 months tomorrow! She's a walking, talking, running around machine. She's wonderful.
I have/want to have/had every intention of posting every day, using goals, meditation, M&V, DB'ing, all I need to keep my M on track but it keeps falling by the wayside. Partly it's time (though TBH how long does it REALLY take to do one post a day? To use some goals to keep on track?) and partly I think I'm still quite stuck. After my last flurry of posting, things did get much better for a bit...I felt focused and calmer..but for the last few days, I feel like I'm hitting a wall again (or want to beat my head against one) which just continues to bum me out.
One thing I'm finding is that this phase in my life is resulting in me being mad as hell about crap that happened years and years ago...well before we rebuilt our marriage. Yes, I'm finding myself mired in thoughts about xow and the crap that h put us through. I thought I was past that resentment but it's just not so apparently. He'll do something to peeve me now and my mind reels back to so many years ago. I KNOW it's not helping my attitude (I'm taking to calling is A$$itude) and my outlook and that certainly translate into action. Also, I'm back to reacting to his mood...arrgh.
Rats, the plumber just finished fixing the toilet in the bathroom so I gotta go to work.
Anyway, I gotta dig out my "Meditations for forgiveness" CDs..I know that'll help.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
I'm facing the same issues in terms of posting regularly--I got really busy and then everything I want to say snowballed, and now I feel overwhelmed. I think the best thing is to do what you can in terms of posting especially because it's good for YOU. That's my resolution, anyway.
And to echo others: yes, refocus. I think your CD's sound like a great idea.
"One thing I'm finding is that this phase in my life is resulting in me being mad as hell about crap that happened years and years ago...well before we rebuilt our marriage. Yes, I'm finding myself mired in thoughts about xow and the crap that h put us through."
Why? What is the same now as what was going on then? Something in your lives is triggering this stuff. Can you identify it?
