I was dealing with a new potential client before this separation happened. I'm typically not the "usual salesman" type, I'm more the technical guy. I was really confident in talking with this new potential client. Excited about his project.
After some of the posts on here about "growing a new set", I've been thinking back about my past successes. My largest client is probably the one that I pursued the least. In fact, I talked very confidently with him but I was really pursuing his boss at the time and he was kind of in the way. I ignored him a lot. (Not in a bad way.) Shortly after that he came to me wanting assistance on projects at his new job. I had no idea he was leaving at the time, otherwise I probably would have pursued him.
Also, when I met my wife I really had no intentions of marriage with her. It was just fun times. I was never mean to her, but I didn't roll over like a puppy dog.
I was confident. I had a great job, I was a v.p. and incharge of the most profitable division in the company. I was the youngest member of the board of directors in the history of the 50 year old company. The company had 125 employees, it wasn't a huge company, but it wasn't a two man opperation.
What the hell happened to me? How did I lose that confidence and excitment. I've got to get that back.......
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We don't have dissolution in our state. If we get to divorce time, I think it's best to just hammer it out between ourselves and then have our lawyers review the plan. However, I'm NOT going to agree that divorce is the answer and I'm not going to file. She quit, I didn't.
12_51 I hear you. When I first met my W, SHE did most of the hard core persuing. I also had no intention of getting married at that time. Also, NOTHING could ever knock me down. But things seemed to have changed. Where does our confidence go? I wish I knew! But I've learned one thing; analysis is paralysis. I try to stay out of my own head as much as possible anymore. As my friend tells me; "You're not allowed to get into your own head without an adult present, it's too scary to be in there by yourself!" (joke!). But we haven't lost anything. I can't speak for you, but I just got comfortable in my own s#*t, and now it's time for a change. I dunno, maybe this HAD to happen between my W and I, or somthing worse may have happened down the road. But you need to remember, 12_51, all of your GOOD qualities, and stop focusing on what's "wrong" with you!
12_51 - don't be too hard on yourself. But, on the other hand, you do need to get who you are back. A lot of us have lost ourselves in our R and that's not a good thing.
Think of all the things you used to be when you first met. I have been trying to do those things again too. It's so easy for us to get into a rut and take things for granted. I am trying to treat my R like it was new (well, to some degree) and do all the things I would do if I was single. For instance, we all have a tendancy to let ourselves go a little when we are comfortable in a R - but that isn't exactly a good thing is it?
We try to be accommodating but we end up losing our pride, our morals, go outside our boundaries. H and I have been talking about boundaries a lot lately - due to C. I know I am way more conservative than he is but I am flexible too. I know he needs his freedom but I haven't set limits for myself and unfortunately allowed our R to go places I didn't want to go.
When two people are together, they have to respect each others boundaries. Its not that we have to change who we are but there has to be some cutoff somewhere. I am not responsible for my H but I am responsible to him. If I think I am going to do something that will compromise our R or that is not within his boundaries, I have an obligation to take that under consideration before I do anything.
My H went outside my boundaries way too many times. We are trying to establish those boundaries again and it is not easy. In the meantime I am working VERY hard on getting ME back and it seems to be working in attracting him back to me again.
There were things that attracted both you to each other - what were they? Work on those things for yourself - no one else. This is about YOU now and she is going to have to face her own demons
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
Heywyre I understand what you're saying, but much of that does require two people working on the relationship. Right now, that's not happening in my case.
I can improve myself and build my confidence back up and I'm working on that. If she cuts it off completely and doesn't want to date or anything else, then she won't be around to see it.
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We're getting together Friday night to talk. I think she's wanting to respond to my letter that I gave her and to talk about finances. She did say she'd order a pizza, but I really think it's a "last meal" kind of thing. However, it did supprise me that she was willing to have dinner with me, previously when I suggested it she wouldn't do it. May be I should get a bottle of wine?
I want to show her my confidence, be more like my old self. I plan to have a list prepared of financial items that I expect for her to help with. I really don't see anyway possible that she can pay rent and pay her share of all the expenses we have. It will more than exceed her monthly pay. However, that's not going to stop me from giving her the list and expecting that she pay her half. A lack of money probably won't change her mind.
One of the things I've come to realize is that she has a pattern of "running away" when she doesn't know what to do. From relationships, jobs, people, adoptions, etc... She's always talked about moving to Montanna. Why I don't know, but it's far away from here.
Should I point this out to her? She's just running away and not facing her problems. If she quits it won't solve the problem, it'll just happen again. Should I encourage her to continue with counseling somewhere?
I don't think that there's anything I can say that might change her mind, but I hate to miss the opportunity if there is one.
I know that no one here knows my wife, but I think that she probably has some part of her that still questions her decision, otherwise I think that she would have filed by now. I'm going to be confident and not beg her to stay. But does anyone have any suggestions of anything I can do or say that might change her mind or at least shake her up some?
When she and I talked on Wednesday, she was crying a lot. Very heavy at times. She hasn't done that recently, even when she left me at our last counseling session. I think that the closer it gets to moving date, the harder it's going to be for her. Also, it's getting toward "that time of the month" and she gets much more emotional.
I've had a beard since before we were married, may be I should shave it off before seeing her on Friday. That might show her some change.
Also, it's getting some gray in it and shaving it off along with the weight I've lost would probably make me look younger. It might make her think I'm getting ready to start meeting new & younger ladies. That I'm moving my life forward.
What do YOU want to do? Never mind what SHE wants. As for the finances, if you two aren't together she is going to have to pay her fair share to survive isn't she? Then let her face the music now!!
You might want to be careful about shaving off the beard because if you have had it for a long time (I know because my H had one) and you shave it off, your skin will be iritated for a few days and might become all red and blotchy - not a pretty sight.
In the alternative, you might want to buy a new outfit, trim the beard so it looks VERY groomed (oh, women love that - or at least I do - lol) and perhaps a very mild (but new) aftershave - might get her wondering where you might be going after your meeting with her. If she says anything, perhaps you can say you're just meeting up with some friends later (keep her curiousity up)
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
I agree that I need to do what "I" want to do as far as finances. If she's tight, not my issue. That's how I'm planning to play it. Here's what I expect.
One of the things that we agreed to and she has since said, is that we'll remain faithful until things are final. She's still wearing her wedding ring.
I really have no interest in anyone else, but shaking her up some, might be a good idea. Some new clothes would do me good too.
I agree with Heywyre. Wait on shaving the beard. You can always do it later when you have time to think about it and maybe get in the sun to add some color (the skin will also be a bit more pale than the rest of your face).
Also, you'll have enough going on tomorrow night without adding that change. You asked about wine - go ahead with an inexpensive bottle as a nice gesture. I wouldn't do anything else fancy though.
As far as the finances, I definitely think she should pay for half the mortgage and any debt repayments. The rest of it, In My Opinion, is more up to you, your finances and your comfort level. I do not think you have to be a hard azz as much as be firm and strong and stand by what you decide. If you are sure you want to and can push to get all expenses shared equally, then go for it. Telling her to pay half the mortgage and debt repayment is easy because she will get half the equity and benefit also. The rest is more up to you.
Good Luck!!
But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads? ~Albert Camus
I know that no one here knows my wife, but I think that she probably has some part of her that still questions her decision, otherwise I think that she would have filed by now. I'm going to be confident and not beg her to stay. But does anyone have any suggestions of anything I can do or say that might change her mind or at least shake her up some?
When she and I talked on Wednesday, she was crying a lot. Very heavy at times. She hasn't done that recently, even when she left me at our last counseling session. I think that the closer it gets to moving date, the harder it's going to be for her. Also, it's getting toward "that time of the month" and she gets much more emotional.
Why don’t you just ask her what she was crying about? She will likely give you some BS reason, so tell her it doesn’t make sense and keep asking in order for you to understand. That will put her a little on the spot to understand herself and she might be stumped. Then let it go.
As for her running away from confrontation, I’d ask her straight out why she does just that. Back it up with some examples so she can see her own pattern and see it is not just you projecting. Give her something to stew over. If your M is to be salvaged, she is going to have to open her eyes. From her history, it seems the likely path is for her to keep those eyes closed and just run. My suspicion is that deep down she does not want to leave but she wants you to pursue her and protect her, but she is too insecure to admit to that.
Anyone who runs does not run into more anxiety and insecurity. If running makes her feel safer it is only because you are not providing a safe enough haven to overcome her perception of safety in running.
The way she communicates this is by acting out, rather than doing the adult thing and simply asking for assurance and understanding. IMO, you need to become stronger, more assertive, more protective. Have you read any of the books discussed on this board? If not, you are doing yourself a real disfavor. Like Corri’s sig line says “You can't see what you can't see. Until you do” or “You don’t know what you don’t know until you do.”
