When my wife came to me last October about leaving, we agreed to counseling. I also went to a psychologist not my usual family doctor. I was depressed at the time. Really down. Finances, business, marriage, stress, etc problems had really hit me hard. The doctor put me on some AD's. I really don't like taking the drugs, but I know that it really helped me a lot. I was always too proud to take AD's before then. But I knew that things weren't working in my life and I had to change, after all "insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results". Things had to change.
Originally, I began counseling by myself without my wife. We addressed a lot of my problems and are still working on more. I really have learned so much about myself and about relationships. After I was stronger, we then began working with my wife. She also went in by herself too a few times. She has seemed to always view this as "my problem" and not her's. She was eager for me to be "fixed", but never really wanted to work on her. She didn't like the time of day we met and used an excuse that her boss wouldn't let her off. It was bull, she could take time off for everything else, but not for that. Something that important. We changed the time. Up until a few weeks ago I was really feeling good about things. Thing were changing. Now don't get me wrong, the counseling wasn't easy. There were hard sessions. Our counselor is tough. She tells it the way it is and uses great common sense. She is also Christian but isn't the pushy type.
Business was good, finances were getting better, I was spending more time with my wife. I was feeling more confident and happier. Everyone ... counselor, wife, me all agreed things were getting better. We were about to begin addressing the sex issues.
Then all of a sudden my wife says that she didn't like seeing me hurt in the counseling sessions and that she had really already made up her mind in October. That it was too late. So why did she agree to 12 months of counseling? Why did she quit half way thru, just when we were turning the corner and things were really getting better?
Since she left I have really been down on myself and I probably will be some more. I have blamed myself for everything. I wanted to fix it and make it better. I just knew that if I learned more about our sex issues, relationships, how to avoid divorce, etc. that I could find a way that would fix everything. I can't fix it. It takes two people to make a marriage and only one to divorce.
The more I learn about relationships, myself, and my wife the more I realize it really wasn't 100% all my problem. Some of it really goes back to when we were dating and what attracted us to each other. How we "masked" our true selves. Then we spend 13 years together fairly happy, but not addressing problems. The more she pushed, the more I pulled away. And she did the same thing about other issues. When we first started dating she said that her first husband wouldn't have sex with her, but instead started cheating. I remember thinking at that time, why would anyone ever turn down sex?
Is there a pattern here for her???
I was really trying and then she left. Then I just fell apart. And frankly, I think it's ok for me to feel this way at least for a little while. Damn it hurts. And it's going to hurt more. She promised that "there was nothing I could say in our counseling that would make her leave me." She promised to work on it together and knew up front it could take 12 months. I know that I should have done more in past years, but she could have too. I now feel really cheated that she would quit in the middle of this process. And just when things were getting better.
I've joined my counselor's on going group meetings. She has two weekly meetings. I've resisted in the past, I didn't think I was one who needed "group sessions". But I'm going now and learning so much. It's great support knowing that other people are there with problems too and hearing how they work with thier problems.
I'm going to fix myself. I'm going to get better. With or without my wife.
I had hoped that my wife would have continued counseling with our counselor, but she hasn't. My wife won't even return calls to our counselor. She also won't return calls to some of our joint friends that she thinks might have different views from her's.
I hope that she does find happiness with or without me. Until she examines the problems of how we got to where we're at, why she has had two marriages to fail, and stops blaming her husbands for what 100% of what happened she is going to repeat the same mistakes.
I'm getting better everyday and I may "obsess" some and I may even whine and bitch and feel sorry for myself and ramble on and on and on ... it has affected my day-to-day activities ... I feel like crap, I'm angry, hurt, etc ... but I'm not stopping the process that I started in October. Forward is the only direction I have to go.
