Is it over for me?

[Yoyowife]

Yep, the famous yoyo, hence my name yoyowife!

Have you ever read the book "When God Winks"? It's about all of these things that happen to people that lots of people would call coincidence, but the author says there is no such thing as coincidences, it's a intervention, a God's Wink. Well, I believe I just had one of those God's Winks. Let me explain.

I'm a high school teacher. This week is DNA Week. The science teacher is giving extra points for projects. One of the projects is getting local businesses to put Happy DNA Week on their signs. The students have to have their pictures taken with the sign. Yesterday I took D15 to have her pic made with her dad's sign(it was a portable sign that he borrowed from another business owner) on her digital camera. We were going to go today to get it developed to turn in tomorrow. She just came by my class and told me that somehow the pic had gotten erased. I said I'll call your dad. I called him to tell him not to take the sign back yet and we would be at his office as soon as she got finished with drill team practice. Coincidence? I don't think so.

[Yoyowife]

Aud,
I sure hope he is pulling back because he is feeling connected. I do try to give him his space. He had been at the house three nights in a row, I hope he is pulling back only because he is feeling confused. They say that our marriages didn't get in this shape overnight that it takes a while for things to work out. That's what I keep telling myself over and over.

[Yoyowife]

Well it's back to the cave time for my H. He told me last night that he had been doing lots of thinking. I asked about what and he said everything. He said just give me space. I said I'm not trying to bug you. He said I don't mind if you call. He said I don't want to offend you by telling you that I need space and time to think. I told him I wasn't offended.

I have seen him just about everyday this week because we have been trying to get the pool up and running and D had some school projects that required his help. I wasn't trying to be pushy, but I did extend invitations.

We have been separated 6 months, what about that space? He has never filed any kind of papers. Any help here would be appreciated. Does this mean I need to go totally dark and not fill him on anything that is going on with the family? The girls are old enough to contact him if they need him. I just before had let him know things they didn't tell him and my concerns. My patience is waning.

[Yoyowife]

Just another thing to add. I talked to a friend that went through separation because of OW last year. She and her H were separated about 8 months. The difference in our situations was that her H wanted nothing to do with her and was very mean and angry during this time. She told me the best advice she could give me was to make him think he was losing me. Anyone else agree with this?

[lovelyolive]

Hi Yoyo... I don't know if I have any good advice except to be patient. Maybe cut back on the calls and be mysterious again. That seemed to pique his interest a few weeks ago. Use this time to your advantage by pursuing some things just for you.

You are so right... your M won't be perfect again overnight.

[HeartScared]

Just another thing to add. I talked to a friend that went through separation because of OW last year. She and her H were separated about 8 months. The difference in our situations was that her H wanted nothing to do with her and was very mean and angry during this time. She told me the best advice she could give me was to make him think he was losing me. Anyone else agree with this?

I think it is. I planted that seed my husband's brain, and he has been acting a bit strange lately about where I am and what I am doing. He even asked me the other day what I was doing when I was in bed reading the Power of a Praying wife. He walked over to look at the book.

[Concerned_Listener]

Well it's back to the cave time for my H. He told me last night that he had been doing lots of thinking. I asked about what and he said everything. He said just give me space. I said I'm not trying to bug you. He said I don't mind if you call. He said I don't want to offend you by telling you that I need space and time to think. I told him I wasn't offended.

My patience is waning.

Yoyo,
Detachment is hard! Unconditional love is hard! Patience is hard! Distance in a M is hard! Having low expectations is hard! Being married to an imperfect person is hard!

I understand what your saying about the patience piece. Are you wasting your time? What if you don't get the outcome you want, after months of waiting? How long should you wait?

I'm there with you experiencing all the same issues and emotions that a LBS does. We work hard at practicing DB and life skills. We make changes in our lives for the better. We read books looking for perspective and inspiration. Yet, the difficult emotions keep creeping-up on us--fear, resentment, confusion, anger. We're only human.

I think you've been getting better at giving him space, and not pursuing. It certainly takes time and practice to adapt to these situations.

CL

[Yoyowife]

CL,
You are right we are human. It is human nature to want a companion and to want to be loved. That is why God made men and women. Emotions get the best of us. I just don't let anyone see my emotions. I go to my bedroom to be alone. I don't want to upset my daughters. I find usually that reading my bible helps. Believe me I am so much better than I was in the past, but like you said we are human and it is lonely! Sometimes I'm afraid I'm doing all of this for nothing. If most people are honest, they feel the same way. We are not superhumans. It doesn't mean I will fall apart, it just means I get frustrated sometimes. I will continue to DB!

[Yoyowife]

Thursday night my H told me he had been doing lots of thinking and he just needed space. He didn't want to offend me. I told him he wasn't offending me.

Well, I haven't talked to him since then until today. I called him to let him know that I had to turn in a check from him to the fund raiser that we are involved in and also that he had mail over here. He said okay. I said okay bye and hung up. My tone wasn't hostile, but it was emotionless. Here I go second guessing myself, but now I feel like he can see right through what I am doing. Did I handle that incorrectly?

Also we are supposed to go next Saturday to move D out of dorm. She has brought home most of the small stuff. It's now down to the big stuff such as fridge, tv, etc. I'm thinking of just letting D and H handle it. Should I do this or should I go like it was planned?

[mcojh]

IMHO, you should do what you normally would do. If it is traditional that you would go along, then go along. Detaching isn't about being rude, angry or mean.

Frank_D put it well when he described the interactions tone as "what would Jesus do?" You are controlling your emotions and controlling the interactions.