Corri, by the way, you did notice that I didn't change my name as you suggest in your "rude" post. When I came up with the name 12_51 it had meaning to me. I may change it in the future, but I'm was not about to change it just because you said to.
Corri, by the way, you did notice that I didn't change my name as you suggest in your "rude" post. When I came up with the name 12_51 it had meaning to me. I may change it in the future, but I'm was not about to change it just because you said to.
I did notice, and good for you. Your life, what you do or do not do, what has meaning to you or not... is strictly up to you and no one else.
You may want to pick up a book called: "The Way of the Superior Man," by David Deida. A lot of the people here have read it, and it has gotten the SSM Two Thumbs Way Way Up Review.
12_51: You need to consult an attorney. You ought not seek legal advice from the Sex Starved Marriage message board. Life doesn't work that way.
As a divorced man, I will tell you this: you are making assumptions that are not necessarily true, e.g.: If we divorce, the property & debt is going to be divided equally.
You might also want to consult a realtor. Nothing like seeing a "For Sale" sign up in the yard to make someone realize that you're no longer taking their sh!t.
We're not at the stage of filing, yet. She is moving out and says that it's permanent, but there is always that possibility that she could change her mind. There are post on here that prove that.
The attorney said that if we can work things out between us regarding property, separation expenses, etc. it will be a lot easier on the both of us. I'm trying to be prepared, but this separation/divorce isn't my idea and I have no plans to file myself. If she wants to end this marriage, she'll have to be the one that does it and the one that will have to live with that decision. My position is that I think things can be repaired.
I can't stop her from leaving and I can't stop her from divorcing me, but I plan to be prepared when and if the time comes. I do not view this forum as legal advice, but knowing what others have done is helpful.
how's it going today? I know you are feeling down but, believe it or not, things will get better. However, if you are obsessive about things, that would indicate depression (mild or not) and a visit to the doctor would be in order. I don't condone the use of drugs but let me tell ya, from someone who has been through this hell twice now, AD can get you over the hump. They don't take away the problems but they sure do make sorting through them a whole heck of a lot easier.
Give it some thought if it becomes too much for you or you find yourself dwelling constantly on it. When I say "obsessing" that usually means it is affecting your day-to-day activities. If what you are going through is doing that, you need something to get over it. Otherwise it will not only take longer but it can quite possibly drag you down deeper and then it will be even harder to get out.
The first time this happened to me I only had to take them for 3-4 months. I haven't had to this time (fingers crossed) but my H is back on them, and probably for good. He's had them reduced once, but yesterday when he suggested it to the doc he said "they've worked well for your mental health, let's not mess with that right now" and I was thrilled because I really don't want to go through that hell again, EVER!!
Oh, and here is another saying for you: The grass is always greener, but it still has to be mowed
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
Heywyre, I hear you about the AD meds. Our MC suggested I go to a doc and get on some meds. I want to talk with my family doc first, since he knows my sitch about as well as anyone. Ther has been so much good feedback and advice on these boards, and I am glad to have found them. You're right about obsessing about things, that's one thing that drives my W crazy. But in changing, I realize that I need to see the glass as half full rather than half empty. I need to re-grow a set myself. I used to have a big pair, but somewhere along the line, they shrunk! Actually, in most sitch's, I keep a cool head. But when it comes to certain issues, my mind runs away with itself. Again, this thinking I need to change. I need to go back to taking it as it comes, and dealing with an issue if it happens, not obsess about it before it occurs. Thanks for the feedback, and I hope we ALL find healing in one way or another. I think the support on these threads go a long way to helping, esp. for a newcomer like me.And I got the saying about the grass, which reminds me that I have to get our tractor in shape, because I'll be mowing within a week or two!
It sounds like you have a firm plan on expectations for paying bills. Just make sure to be firm when you have that discussion with her. Do not ASK her opinion or thoughts.(She didn't consider your opinion on whether she should move out) Keep your voice firm and keep yourself in control of the situation. TELL her how things will be if she moves out. If she asks you how she can manage it or whether it is "fair", etc., just say that she needs to figure it out. The less you say, the better. Let her be the one that talks and if that means (uncomfortable) silence, then so be it. Make sure you are ABSOLUTELY sure of what you want and do not allow for waffling. Since she may not be used to having you act this way, it will be interesting to see how she reacts. Will she get upset or will she just follow your lead?? The less you say the better so you can watch her reactions. After your first conversation about finances, sit back and review how things went - how she reacted, where you noticed your resolve weaken ,etc. Regroup and be ready for the next go around. The key should be that you want to keep the marriage intact but do not want to get "screwed" if it does not work out. You want to be fair.
What state do you live in? I ask because if you have a dissolution versus a divorce, it makes a difference in approach. Many people prefer a dissolution because it is cheaper but the catch is that BOTH parties have to agree. So in many ways both parties are in total control because if they really do not believe the settlement is fair to them, then they can file for divorce and force a judge to decide. Divorces can drag out and are costly so many people prefer to avoid them.
Oh and since you told your wife you are busy tonight, go out and do something!! A workout, dinner with friends, a movie, anything!
But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads? ~Albert Camus
When my wife came to me last October about leaving, we agreed to counseling. I also went to a psychologist not my usual family doctor. I was depressed at the time. Really down. Finances, business, marriage, stress, etc problems had really hit me hard. The doctor put me on some AD's. I really don't like taking the drugs, but I know that it really helped me a lot. I was always too proud to take AD's before then. But I knew that things weren't working in my life and I had to change, after all "insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results". Things had to change.
Originally, I began counseling by myself without my wife. We addressed a lot of my problems and are still working on more. I really have learned so much about myself and about relationships. After I was stronger, we then began working with my wife. She also went in by herself too a few times. She has seemed to always view this as "my problem" and not her's. She was eager for me to be "fixed", but never really wanted to work on her. She didn't like the time of day we met and used an excuse that her boss wouldn't let her off. It was bull, she could take time off for everything else, but not for that. Something that important. We changed the time. Up until a few weeks ago I was really feeling good about things. Thing were changing. Now don't get me wrong, the counseling wasn't easy. There were hard sessions. Our counselor is tough. She tells it the way it is and uses great common sense. She is also Christian but isn't the pushy type.
Business was good, finances were getting better, I was spending more time with my wife. I was feeling more confident and happier. Everyone ... counselor, wife, me all agreed things were getting better. We were about to begin addressing the sex issues.
Then all of a sudden my wife says that she didn't like seeing me hurt in the counseling sessions and that she had really already made up her mind in October. That it was too late. So why did she agree to 12 months of counseling? Why did she quit half way thru, just when we were turning the corner and things were really getting better?
Since she left I have really been down on myself and I probably will be some more. I have blamed myself for everything. I wanted to fix it and make it better. I just knew that if I learned more about our sex issues, relationships, how to avoid divorce, etc. that I could find a way that would fix everything. I can't fix it. It takes two people to make a marriage and only one to divorce.
The more I learn about relationships, myself, and my wife the more I realize it really wasn't 100% all my problem. Some of it really goes back to when we were dating and what attracted us to each other. How we "masked" our true selves. Then we spend 13 years together fairly happy, but not addressing problems. The more she pushed, the more I pulled away. And she did the same thing about other issues. When we first started dating she said that her first husband wouldn't have sex with her, but instead started cheating. I remember thinking at that time, why would anyone ever turn down sex?
Is there a pattern here for her???
I was really trying and then she left. Then I just fell apart. And frankly, I think it's ok for me to feel this way at least for a little while. Damn it hurts. And it's going to hurt more. She promised that "there was nothing I could say in our counseling that would make her leave me." She promised to work on it together and knew up front it could take 12 months. I know that I should have done more in past years, but she could have too. I now feel really cheated that she would quit in the middle of this process. And just when things were getting better.
I've joined my counselor's on going group meetings. She has two weekly meetings. I've resisted in the past, I didn't think I was one who needed "group sessions". But I'm going now and learning so much. It's great support knowing that other people are there with problems too and hearing how they work with thier problems.
I'm going to fix myself. I'm going to get better. With or without my wife.
I had hoped that my wife would have continued counseling with our counselor, but she hasn't. My wife won't even return calls to our counselor. She also won't return calls to some of our joint friends that she thinks might have different views from her's.
I hope that she does find happiness with or without me. Until she examines the problems of how we got to where we're at, why she has had two marriages to fail, and stops blaming her husbands for what 100% of what happened she is going to repeat the same mistakes.
I'm getting better everyday and I may "obsess" some and I may even whine and bitch and feel sorry for myself and ramble on and on and on ... it has affected my day-to-day activities ... I feel like crap, I'm angry, hurt, etc ... but I'm not stopping the process that I started in October. Forward is the only direction I have to go.
12_51 In some ways, your W acts like mine. My W does not like to look at herself, and cannot take any constructive criticism. I've always been a straight shooter, so I had to learn a different way to communicate with her. I am so glad to hear you say that you are not 100% responsible for the M problems. I know the feelings of anger and resentment that you can have, but try ( as another poster said ) to use that energy positively. Remember, you may have made mistakes in the M, but we all have including your W. you are doing everything you can to save the M, so remember to put some responsibility on your W for not owning up to her issues, and also for her giving you conflicting messages. Be firm, calm, and keep a straight course. If you (and I)can act, rather than re-act to what our W's throw at us, they will see changes! Keep going forward, and I will keep you and all the others in my prayers. Don't give up!
Sorry things have been so hard for you, 12_51. I think your wife is running away because she is scared to death of facing her own issues. She is running in an effort to avoid them. If the pain of facing her issues is worse than the pain of a failed R, she may chose to let the R fail. If she doesn't face her issues, she will never be happy, either, not with you and not with anyone else. She will repeat the same mistakes.
It sounds like the sessions with the MC touched a nerve with your W and she is withdrawing to try to protect herself from further pain. I can't remember if you mentioned this previously, but I'd guess that she has suppressed trauma from her past, maybe from her childhood or from a previous relationship.
At this point, all you CAN do is work on yourself. You can't make her go to the sessions, you can't make her work on herself, you can't make her want to come back. I understand how frustrating this can be. Try not to let it get in the way of your progress.
It's NEVER 100% one person's problem. Both partners play a role in marriage problems. You can only try to fix your part of it to the best of your ability.
