You need to really focus on you and the kids. If she wants to come for the ride, fine. You don't need to obsess about the other man. Face it, there probably is one and it's probably been going on for a long time. Now that that's out of the way what are your plans? You and the kids have something going soon? Make your life what you want it to be, that's very attractive to women. After all, you're not dependant on her for your happiness. She's a liar, an adulterer and a marginal mother. Just focus on you and your kids.
Just caught her hiding, on the phone again, presumably with OM.
pissed off -
Luke
Luke, at this point pissed off should not even be in play for you. You have been at this for to long now, what she does or doesnt do on the phone should not be a stresser for you anymore. Accept where your marriage is at, be the good man and dad that you are and take a f^ck her mentality. Do for you and your kid, that's it, plain and simple my friend.
Ok Luke, if this stuff is still getting to you, what can you do right now to make it better? You have two options if you ask me.
1. Detach completely, move forward with your life and your plans for yourself and your kid.
2. File for Divorce and be done with it, move on completely and find hapiness elsewhere.
Seems to me that after three years #2 isn't so much of an option. I mean you have played it out this far, and sort of knowing you I would think that you don't really have it in you yet to file and move on. You my dear friend are as unfortunate as I am in that you are truly in love with your wife and have the soulmate mentality. It's sort of a detriment for both of us in that we listen to our hearts more than our heads at times. We still get hurt by the little actions on their part that we can perceive as cheating or unfaithfulness, when the reality is that right now they are not ours and we cannot expect faithfulness or loyalty from them realisticly. They have their own lives, their own agendas, and they do not beleive that they have any accountability to us as their husbands. Accept it buddy, do not allow it to affect your mood.
By the way, just because your pissed doesnt mean that we don't deserve the descriptive writings of LuckyLuke on the current conditions in sweden.... I so look forward to those....
Luke, Sometimes I have heard my W talking on the phone in the bathroom to OP. Usually, rather than getting mad, I recognize what a sad and pathetic existence it must be to have to sneak around like this. I actually feel good that I don't have that baggage, that's her trip! How sad it is to watch someone make deceit and shame such a big part of her life. I'm glad I'm not her, strange as that might sound!
so I say nothing? it is strange to be in the same household with this lying person and do and say nothing in response; remember she respects strength and would certainly respond in a similar situation...
She knows I caught her - a few times now in fact - on top of which, many years ago, a few weeks before we married, I caught her after a night with another man. She apologized for that and we married (but maybe shouldn't have). She calls herself "wayward"... (reminds me of a book I'd like to read called "red princess", about a similar cheating woman, a russian princess)
I would like to show my anger somehow... at least be aloof when she comes home from my daughter's violin lesson...
What do I do if shse proposes to spend a few days 'alone'?
Maybe it does make sense for just the kids and I to go to Boston, withour her, if I am completely detached (which I choose to read as don't give a d--n anymore)?
Sorry about the lapse in describing here - just spent an hour biking, through deep green woods and a nature reserve, out to a summer house area, mostly on dirt roads, on the same water we live on. It is a beautiful day, maybe 65-70, boats are slowly coming out on the lake here, an early summer -
Monday night is Walpurgis, a pretty cool celebration here - see
Luke, anger is a warning sign, it tells us something is not right. We then take that warning in and decide what should be done, then we let it go! If you believe confronting her about her conversations would be of benefit, go ahead. If you decide it would not be beneficial, then don't but let it go afterwards and put your efforts into something more beneficial. It's your call.
Thanks for the advice whatisis - I have simply been mostly quiet with my wife, not actively angry. She is getting the message and I don't have to "lose it".
onthebeach - could you tell me how to apply for a divorce here in Sweden? I am not necessarily going to do this immediately, but would like to be prepared. I am also concerned about the people in our little town here getting wind of it, and wonder if you can file any place you like.
Your insistence that I think of myself and the kids was very helpful - gracias -
Off for a run on another beautiful day, near sparkling water this time,
Luke
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
I'm a non-native myself so I suggest you simply go over to the largest town next to yours and find a lawyer (Skilsmässa advokat - kolla Eniro.se) to get some advice. I have seen, as you have noted earlier, that it's pretty easy here. Most important is that you document everything about child handling in your home. Who does what, when, where and why. Who pays for what. How often are you home and who usually takes care of the kids. In Sweden I've noticed that it's important as a man to be able to prove but they still are about 50-50 on sharing custody.
Be prepared for the shock of splitting costs. Have your economy ready for analysis - who pays for what.
Get advice. I'm not advocating divorce, but this might be one of those instances where you really need legal advice to make your choice.
Remember, you don't leave the home or the kids under any circumstances without knowing exactly how the law treats it. Usually it's best to have a Legal Separation Agreement of some form so that's why it's always best to speak with someone trained in the law first so you protect your rights.
I hope you find peace in your situation and that you and family prosper. Protect yourself because your WAW will take you for everything you've got if you don't.
Thanks for the pointers - will see a lawyer (and leave wife wondering where I had to go without her). I thought that goods got split 50/50 when you don't have an agreement in place? (which I could live with)
The funny thing is - when I am here, which is a good chunk of the year, then I cook, often take the kids on the weekend so WAW can work, I pay for most everything (W has no regular job), love to put the kids to bed, etc. Even W said I am a great father...
The whole thing gets more complicated because I am thinking of moving back to the states, this to a much better paying job (which I assume she gets no extra income from?)
What did you mean with "don't leave the home or the kids"?
Trevlig helg - which looks to be pretty good here -
Halsningar -
Luke
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
I meant that you ensure you know what the rules are before you do anything that could negatively impact your rights as a father. Also, secure the passports if you can. Just a smart thing to do.
It looks to be a pretty good weather weekend here on the south coast but I'll be working on getting the house ready to sell so I'll just sweat through most of it.
I so look forward to those....