We just put it all in the pot and then paid bills.
Just trying to verify that i was doing it the way other have. Heywyre, what you suggested is exactly what I was planning to do. Split everything in half that we previously had together. She'll have to deal with her own rent and expenses for her new place.
Point taken on the new set. Working on that. May take time, but that's why I'm here --- trying to improve. I can take the harsh words. It's probably time I heard them and it probably wouldn't have been as effective if Corri hadn't been so harsh.
Point taken on the new set. Working on that. It may take time, but that's why I'm here --- trying to learn and improve myself. I can take the harsh words. It's probably time I heard them and it probably wouldn't have been as effective if Corri hadn't been so harsh.
heyya 12
you'll get there. it takes some time, but with boundaries and resolve, your mojo will return.
Just read this thread. This must be a confusing time.
I'm pretty new here. But, it's interesting to me to see how the advice and style can vary from one advice giver to the next. I can imagine several reasons... including personality types, the freshness of their experience, and what side of what issues in their relationship they happen to come from vs. yours.
I haven't read any other posts from Corri, but my guess/hope is that Corri trying to make you a little angry, get the adreneline flowing, and give you enough momentum to make a full "180" degree change in your attitude and behavior. I can only guess Corri has the best of intentions. But, to me it seems a bit harsh.
Regarding the advice to talk to a lawyer, I think that is a good idea for a few reasons. For one, asking a local lawyer is the only way to get the right answers for your area and situation. Secondly, I've known people whose spouse did some really stupid and vindicitve spending in the midst of their break-up. It sounds like your wife is nicer and calmer than that, but a lawyer could size up the situation more objectively. Finally, you'll have no reason to ask financial questions here, and then there will be no reason for anyone to jump to conclusions about whether such issues are too important to you now.
To me, it seems natural to want to know about the engagement ring. In my limited experience, the stance people take on what is the right thing to do seems to vary by sex, but maybe it's more complicated than that. And although it may seem like a financial issue on the surface, I wouldn't be surprised if its more a symbol of what was promised and hoped for in the relationship.
Hang in there. No matter whether the relationship ends or gets new wings, I have no doubt happier times can be yours.
Fiji - you are right, the opinions vary a GREAT deal on this board. Male, female, betrayed, betrayer, separated or not, the list goes on. I for one have gleaned a whole heck of a lot of advice on here. Some I have put to use, some not. It all depends on each individuals situation.
Same goes for the DB techniques. I find most have not worked in my situation but then I am dealing with something a little out in left field. My H and I have quite a different set of dynamics than a lot of the posters on here - we're civil to each other - lol
Joking aside, 12_51 is going through a LOT of emotion right now, and yes, I think Corri was a little harsh, but that's just Corri's "way" - 12_51 can take it or leave it
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
Ford, Fiji, Heywyre, Corri: I do appreciate your advice, support and the good kick in the butt. I need it all.
It is a very confusing time and my emotions are not fully in control. I'm getting there and I do agree that things will get better with or without my wife. They must. And that's going to take making changes in myself.
Having said that, it doesn't make the pain any less.
Hey 12_51 Hope you're better today. I have a terrible depression today, just running things through my head. There are some days I feel hopeless. Part of this is my W being away until Sun. I really want to call her, but I'm trying to hold off. I am hoping that she really means this is a "wake-up call", and she is not planning to take the next step. I dunno. Lots of pressure in my personal life, but I have to deal with it.Heywyre's signature says it all for me. I do NOT want to keep repeating the same old behaviors. Part of me is plain old lonesome, as i let some of my old friendships drop off after we got M.
2in2 -- call up the old friends and have lunch. Don't spend the whole time talking about your problems with them, just restart the old frindship. I've called some of my old friends and some of those ones that we keep saying we'll "have lunch sometime" and they've been glad that I did. Often they've wanted to see me, but just haven't gotten around to calling.
I'm sorry you're depressed today -- my emotions go up and down constantly. I know where you're at. If she's saying it's a "wake-up call" that's probably a good sign, but you've got to wake up and fix whatever is wrong. Start fixing it before she says it's too late. Don't half-a$s fix just to get by. Really fix it.
The Einstein quote is a great one and it really fits in well on these forums. Another great quote from someone on here is "The grass is always greener where you water it." That is so true. Where you put your efforts is where it grows.
Yes, I was hoping to piss you off. Why was I trying to piss you off.
It's better to be pissed off than to be pissed on.
You are really angry at your wife right now, and for fear of her behavior (what she may or may not do), you hold it in. Keep the peace.
I get rude and in your face, and you won't tell me to take a leap for Fck off... not even in a nice way.
I don't imagine you deal with your business customers that way. Do they come in and tell you how to do your job? Or do they come to you because they think you are good at what you do? Do you get repeat business because they tell you how its going to be done, or because they have faith in you?
Have you ever told a client/customer... 'sorry, I can't help you?' Not because they weren't willing to pay you, but because you had a business instinct that told you it wouldn't be wise to go there? Have you ever had an instance where you ignored that gut feeling, and did it anyway... and later wish you had listened to your gut?
My point is... you know how to do these things because you have learned them over time. In order for you to succeed in business, you go with what works, and you try really hard not to repeat your mistakes. If you don't do this, your business isn't going to make it.
As a business owner, I would imagine you are pretty confident at what you do. I'm sure there are times when you run into things/situation you don't know how to handle, so you either learn it or go to someone you trust that can help you.
Are you feeling that? Nodding your head?
Now. Take that same attitude, same feeling... and apply it to your marriage and your wife. The same ethics and feeling you use to define yourself as a businessman... use to define yourself as a husband. Forge a personal mission statement. Be it. Imagine how that would determine your behaviors in all kinds of situations with your wife and personal life.
This is the beginning of defining Who You Are... hanging out your shingle, as it were. This one personal mission statement is the beginning of you... your personal foundation. From there, you build the structure of you. The structure(s) of you... are called boundaries.
Boundaries define and defend the personal mission statement.
Do the same thing for your 180.
And just as it takes time to build a business, it is going to take some time for your wife to see and realize your 180 and your boundaries. Remain consistent.
Yes, vent here... but don't let the panic take you over. Go back and read my rude post and let it piss you off again so you can harden your resolve.
Doing all the above doesn't guarantee you'll get your wife back... but I guarantee you if you do all the above, you WILL get your gonads back.
Thanks 12_51 - I need the support today! Ihave started to look up old friends, or at least call them. I am with you on the old emotional roller coaster. Today is just a bad day. Maybe as time goes on, it will feel better. But I'm sure you know, all this stress just saps a lot of energy. All I want to do today is crawl back into bed! But I won't get paid for sleeping! Plus, it's probably better for me to interact here, instead of isolating. You hang in there too, 12_51. And yes, I'm REALLY going to fix things, for myself if no one else. I can't do it just for her.
Corri, I had started writing posts to attack you, but had deleted or rewrote them. It's hard to jump back in your face when, after some thought, I see what you've said is true.
I do take what you've said to heart and understand.
It did piss me off and I'll be re-reading it for many days to come.
