I'm certainly not one to be giving advice during this crisis that I am going through, as you know. But I just wanted to chime in and give you some support and encouragement and some insights that I see from your post for you to think about.
First of all, I know it has really helped me to post here and to get feedback and encouragement from everyone. Keep posting, okay? It helps to just get it out and get through those rough days...
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I'm sure it was her day.
What have we talked about and been told about "ASSuming." You don't know what he was doing. If you assume the worst, it's just going to hurt YOU. You know I'm not good at this either, so I know it's hard. Now at least I am catching myself more when I'm assuming, which is part of the battle. The goal I'm setting for myself is to use the stop sign method to get rid of the bad thoughts and to replace it with thinking that he's out with friends or working or running some errands, etc., ANYTHING but that he's doing something with OW. If we don't know FOR SURE what they are doing, why not think that it's something positive rather than something negative? Let's ASSume good things. That can do nothing but help our mental stability.
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I had made up my mind becasue I was so disappointed that he hadn't told me he had moved to Brothers other place with his trailer that I had almost thrown in the towel.
Penny, this has been a really hard one for me in that I used to know just about every move my H made, not because I was clingy and asked him all the time, but when you're married and living under the same roof and doing business together day in and day out, you just TALK about your plans and your day, etc. That gradually changed when this all blew up in November. Then, in February of this year when we had our big dragout when he told me that he didn't want to be married to me anymore, he said that he wasn't going to be telling me where he was going, what he was doing, etc. It wasn't that he really had been before that, but I think maybe he was just re-emphasizing that point. And I don't think it's that he really cared whether I knew, but he didn't want me to know about when he was with OW - he's always said he doesn't want to hurt me. So, maybe your H did not tell you for both of those reasons: 1.) He doesn't want to hurt you (which is a good thing if they are at least conscious of that - obviously this whole dang mess is killing us, but to at least not rub it in our faces helps) 2.) Since you both aren't "together" right now in the true sense of the word, maybe he doesn't feel the need to let you know everything that he is doing right now.
As far as throwing in the towel, believe me, I go through those same feelings in cycles. There are days when I just feel like I'm losing my mind and don't know how in the world or why in the world I am "putting up with this." I'm married, and my H is sleeping with and staying with OW. What???? That's absolutely insane! Then he'll do/say something or I'll just get random feelings sometimes myself that send me over the edge and make me feel like I've had it. Then I think about my options which at this point are: 1.) File for D 2.) Give him an ultimatum I'm not going to feel any better and probably worse if I file for D, and if I give him an ultimatum right now, I don't think I would come out the victor....
So, where does this leave us? Remember what Jody told me... How would you ACT if you were really and truly "done" with this, had thrown in the towel? So whenever I get those feelings of wanting to throw in the towel, I think about what Jody said and work on that, which means little or no contact (to the best of my ability considering the business together), keep conversations short and to the point, act cheery around him (like I'm okay and getting on with my life), no R/M/OW talk, GALing, etc. And then I've also gotten the advice that if I DO feel like I'm done with this to NOT act on those feelings for at least a week or two - make sure it's how you REALLY feel and that you're not just going through a rough day/week/etc.
So when I get those feelings that I've just had enough of this, I think about my alternatives (which aren't any better and probably worse. I think about what Jody said and work on implementing that, and I promise myself that I won't do anything like telling H I'm through with this until I've sat on it for at least a few weeks. So far, I've never felt the same after just giving it some time... I WANT my M to work out! It's the easy road, I suppose, to just end it and get on with life, huh? The hard road is sticking through all of this crap and praying that it is making us a better person and that we will come out on the other side with a much more fulfilling life, both in our own lives and within the lives of our H's and families.
So, maybe try those things, okay?
Your H is still showing signs of not "throwing in the towel" on you guys. He is still coming around to help with the business. He is calling you. He compliments you. He is showing interest in your kids. He stayed the night at your home. Remember to work hard to notice the baby steps, okay? But also remember not to get over-excited about them and to not expect them. Let them encourage you and warm your heart a little and give you strength to keep fighting.
Regarding forcing communication with your H, I have noticed myself doing that as well. I'll keep him on the phone somtimes or in person sometimes just by asking him about something else or talking about something else that we really don't NEED to talk about at that point, or even at all sometimes. I just so desperately want to spend time with him and talk with him. We need to work on catching ourselves when we are doing this and purposely changing that dynamic by US being the ones to end the conversations. Do something they won't expect. Think about how it feels when H ends the conversation or leaves your house. For me, it upsets me because I want so badly for this whole mess to stop and for him to WANT to talk with me and spend time with me. so, think about how THAT feels, and if WE can be the ones to end conversations, pull away from them, we can only pray that in turn THEY will miss US by us taking charge and distancing ourselves from THEM. Make sense?
Okay, Miss Penny. Hang in there, my partner in crime. WE CAN DO THIS! Chin up. You're doing a great job. Be proud of you for caring about your M and your family.
