We've come so far. It wasn't that long ago I'd have sold my soul just to hear him say he loves me again.
It was so painful to know I couldn't call him if there was a chance he'd be home/ with XOW. I was so happy when he moved and told her he couldn't see her any longer, because with a LDR being able to call for late night "tuck ins" and dreams of tomorrow is so important.
Now my biggest enemy is my sudden fear and insecurity. When he's got a lot on his mind and needs time to think instead of talk... instead of giving him space and calmly going on with my life, a million thoughts invade my head. Why did he get off the phone so fast? Did SHE show up?
He was on the "other line" when I called earlier tonight. I missed his return call (because I was trying to stay busy and NOT sit on the phone) and got that message, that he's having a bad night, and that he'd answer when I called back. I did. He didn't. Argh this is torture. Why do I feel it was HER he was talking to and resent that I am spending another night without hearing his voice because he isn't ready to talk about whatever has him upset, but doesn't want to lie to me.
He is house hunting. This one isn't even on the market yet. Maybe it's a blessing I'm not there to see his mood swings when she calls as he tries to deal with the pain SHE is in. I DO feel such unexpected resentment at every moment he gives her that takes away from "us".
Why am I having such a hard time being thankful for the steps he has taken? Why can't I believe that he wants "me, the kids, the dog, US--- all of that and more"? Why am I afraid his lonliness and guilt for leading her on and hurting her will cause him to waver?
I had an absolute meltdown Tuesday afternoon/night and felt like this will never work. I was in a car accident a week ago and had to have the car towed in and fixed. I needed a rental. Every $ I have to spend on this stuff is another week he can't come home for a visit because we need to pay the bills.
I am in limbo and can't meet his needs from so far away.
OK. What CAN I do.
I can be his friend and listen to him when he cries about how hard it was to hurt her. I can send him "care packages" and set up his cable for him. I can run his home-- the one we need to sell-- and raise his son and take care of his dog. I can give him his space to work things out and give him the trust I said I would when he promised it was over and that I was what he'd wanted all along. I can quit giving her power over me. I hope.
I need patience. I need to realize that we can't sort everything out instantly and that in time we will get through it. I need to find that faith that got me this far.
I'm so tired. As happy as I am he got his own place, I get pangs when I hear him talk about the placemats he bought for his new table and the colors of his kitchen. He just had hummingbirds come to the new feeder he put out on Sunday. I continue to wake up alone to beauty outside the french doors in "our" bedroom only to have it hit me that I have to soak in everything now because it's the last spring I'll wake up to the black birds and herons in the wetlands. Why can't I plant a garden for me? Even if I'm leaving it, why can't I do things to make each day here count? Why can't I find joy even though I'm constantly trying to keep up my PMA and find the beauty where I can?
I'm so overwhelmed. I need to wait for him to call so that he'll be ready to talk instead of dreading my questions when he sees my name on his caller ID.
Which I won't ask... but I know he doesn't know that. Yesterday I may have.
It's not my behavior that makes him feel that way. It's his guilt. It's that sometimes we DO talk about how we got to where we were and why it won't happen again. I ask questions before I even realize they force him to be honest about another lie I never knew existed.
