Wise DB'ers please help!

[TylerDurden]

Thats kind of what I was planning on, except she is such a sweetheart I know she will want to know how I'm doing and everything.

I scheduled an appointment with Jodi (DB coach) tonight to get her advice, so I will post what she thinks. I guess my main concern with calling her is for me to keep strong. Her mom and I are very close and I consider her family, so I will probably break down. I will keep you posted, thanks Heywyre you are always insightful.

[Heywyre]

Thinking of you Tyler and how your DB coaching session went - let us know, we are counting on you to get through this and give us all some insightful information back

[TylerDurden]

Well she thought it was an amazing sign that her mom called to tell me how much she loves me and misses me. She said that it couldn't have gone better. Which was some reassurance for me, cause I was really on the fence. I didn’t know if she was calling to say goodbye for good, or something like, ‘hey jackass call her!!!’

From her advice, I decided to call her mom and tell her how much it made my day that she let me know that, and that I have been thinking about them a lot too. The tricky part was, she was concerned that it would lead to a conversation about the R. So what I did was I sent her a voicemail, kind of like if you don't have service then someone calls you and leaves a message. So I decided to do that early this morning 5am. She also suggested that I try to make contact with the gf and suggest meeting up for lunch, which I really didn't know how to do.

But luckily fate was on my side last night. After I got home from my training (I have began boxing again somewhat of a 180), and she had sent me a txt saying, 'Ur gift meant a lot to mom. Thank you.' Needless to say I was shocked! This was my first goal was for her to txt me. I didn't know if I should say something back, so I took my time to think about it and this is what I said. 'Your welcome. I hope she starts feeling better. Sorry I haven't responded to your email, I have been swamped. We should get together for lunch soon. What do you think?' That was at 10pm last night, and nothing yet. Part of me is upset she didn’t respond right away, I guess I’m greedy that way.

But also there is a good chance that even if she did txt me back I didn’t get it. Sometimes when she sends me messages, they don’t go through to me, something with the bad service in her apartment (that is if she is back). I don’t think she would be back just yet, she left on Sunday to Texas so I doubt she would be back yet. Tell me your thoughts on this logic. Maybe she txt me because I hadn’t called her mom back yet, and wanted to reach out to me somehow?

So anyway, this morning I sent her mom a nice voicemail. ‘Just wanted to thank you for the nice message, it really made my day. I have been good, just really busy with work. I have been thinking a lot about you guys too, I hope you start to feel better, and I want to let you know that I love you a lot too very much. Bye’. By far the hardest part was the bye, I didn’t want to say , ‘talk to you later’ or anything. I probably recorded it 4 times, before I sent it. Uhhhhh!

Well next is what to do. Should I wait until Friday or so, then respond to her email? That is what the DB coach said. But now that she has directly contacted me (txt), I’m not sure what to put in the email. I want to say this, ‘I hope you made it back ok, and had a relaxing time with your mom. I haven’t heard back from you about lunch, so I want to make sure you got my message. If you don’t want too I completely understand. I hope all is well. I have a couple things for your nephew, I don’t want to loose them in the move.’ Yeah, I bought a new loft that I’m moving into next month. Or should I just call her? What do you think?

[TylerDurden]

Ok, well I was kind of getting upset for no reason. She txt me back earlier this afternoon, must have gotten back from her parents. She said she would like to have lunch, and can meet me anytime this week, whichever is best for me. I felt bad because this week has been very busy at work for me. I told her that this week really isn't good and that I was sorry, how about Monday? To my suprise she suggested getting together on Sat!! Thats what I wanted but didn't want to put pressure on her for a weekend. She said she would like to get lunch and go to the zoo. I txt her back that I'm real busy at work but asked if she would be around tonight so I can call her. She said yes. But I didn't want to think I was 'playing the game' too much, so I told her that I wouldn't call if it was too late, but def tomorrow. When I got in a cab on the way home today (9:30pm), I txt her, 'I'm just leaving, if you are around let me know, otherwise I will call you tomorrow.' She hasn't responded so she might not be around, but it doesn't matter, I will call her tomorrow. Can't remember the last time I went to bed thinking I would actually TALK to her tomorrow. I'm so excited, I hope I can keep it together Should I pack a picnic or is that too datish?? Maybe just a light lunch then the zoo. I haven't seen her for almost 2.5 months so I want to make sure everything goes well. I am going to cram through DB again before Sat so I know I am playing my cards right, haha. Wishing everyone as good of luck as I had this week!

[Heywyre]

Ok first of all - take a deeeeeeeep breath, in and out, in and out

Ok now, forget the picnic - I think its too corny right now - keep it simple.

Going out for lunch somewhere is a better choice, its in public and puts less pressure on both of you (there might be awkward moments and if there is, at least there might be something else to talk about)

This is REALLY GOOD stuff Tyler - don't blow it! Take it slow and easy. Don't talk her ear off, let her talk, see what she has to say about things, and LISTEN LISTEN LISTEN - and DON'T try and "fix" her, all she wants is validation - remember that

[TylerDurden]

Any words of advice for the first meeting in 2 months?

[Heywyre]

Give her a big hug and tell her how wonderful she looks

[TylerDurden]

Ok, just got done with lunch a couple hours ago. The first thing I did, was give her a big hug and told her that she looks very beautiful. Then we sat outside at a cafe and had lunch and just talked about what each of us had been up too. After, I expected her to say that she had to go (like she did right before the seperation), but to my suprise she asked if I wanted to go get some desert. So we walked to this bakery and had a cupcake and a lemon bar. We were both very upbeat and everything. I made her laugh so hard that she almost had ice tea come out of her nose. I playfully teased her and she liked that. I also made sure that I walked in between her and the street, that was something I always did when things were great, not sure if she noticed. She then said that she missed me, I about lost it, but didn't let it show. I told her that I missed her a lot too. After a little bit longer she said that she has realized a lot during this seperation, and that if we were both willing to try she would like to try and work towards rebuilding us again. I told her that she was completely right about the seperation. I told her that no matter how much I wanted it to work, it just couldn't, but I don't hate her and I still love her so much. I really hope that wasn't too much. After having a good conversaion (not about us or the R) I walked her back home and she gave me probably the biggest and longest hug she has ever given me, I gave her a kiss on the cheek and I left. All calm and composed, when I looked back she was watching me with a big smile on her face.

I guess I'm not really sure what we are doing now. Before I left I answered her question. I looked into her eyes and told her that if we did do this again, things would be different if she was willing to try I was more than willing, and she said, 'I know'. Whats that mean? I guess I'm trying to protect myself from getting hurt again. She seems so loving and caring about us today, but I feel like now she needs to show it in the coming days. I'm going out tonight with some friends, and I'm not sure if I should call her tomorrow or not. I kind of want to see if she will call me to be honest. I think that I will send her some spring flowers on Monday though, since she just raved about how much her mom loved hers. Just with a nice card telling her how much fun I had on Sat. How can I get through this period? Part of me feels kind of hurt, but I'm not sure why. I guess looking at our first meeting, things really could not have gone any better, but why am I so sad? I really wish that either she would have say get out of my life, or she would love and act with me the way she used to when things were amazing, I think the uncertainity is going to drive me nuts. I miss her so much. When I looked at her while she was talking all these loving feelings rushed back to me, but I didn't let it show, she really means the world to me, but I'm scared. What should I do? Should I distance myself from her to see if she comes to me? Or do I need to still be the one to make the effort since this was just our fist meeting? Please help and give some wisdom! Thanks!

[Heywyre]

TD

You did GREAT !!!! Be proud of yourself. It is the first day of the rest of your life. Yes, you feel down, that is because you will be riding the roller coaster us piecers do ALOT!! It was a REAL high for you being with her again, especially when she told you she wanted to work on things. Once you leave that situation, all the emotions of what went wrong, why aren't we together, how can I make this up to her, how can I .....

You have to slow down the pace. I don't think it would be harmful to send her flowers. She has already mentioned her mother's flowers to you a couple of times now. That would indicate to me that she wouldn't mind getting some herself, to show how much you care about HER. Some nice spring flowers would be nice, keep it simple and keep the card simple too. Don't do overboard - a simple "thanks for the wonderful afternoon" kind of thing would do.

Give it a little time, if she calls to thank you for the flowers, which I am sure, from the sounds of how things went, she would, then you can perhaps suggest another time to get together, maybe this time a little more intimate - perhaps a dinner at a nice restaurant or something.

You are doing well, keep it up!!

[TylerDurden]

Thanks for the great advice, I guess I'm just confused on why I am so unhappy now. She called me this morning to ask about an extra tv I had, and wondered if I could bring it by. So today, I went to her house and dropped off the TV and also gave her a jewelry box I had bought for her before we broke up (which she knew because it had a date on the gift receipt). I played it off, just told her that I didn't want to loose this in the move, and I knew you always needed one. From there she asked if I wanted to get lunch, that was a surprise to me.

So we went and had lunch, and she kind of talked about 'us'. I wasn't sure what I should do so I treaded lightly. It was so hard not to cry, both of our eyes welled up a bit, but both kept it under control. We both discussed what we thought went wrong. She really didn't have an answer just that she felt like a real burden to me. She said that since she started working again, she has realized that was a major issue. Said she was sorry. Her main point was she didn't know where the relationship was going. That was a huge shock to me, considering I wanted nothing more than to be with her, I guess I just never really showed her. I told her some things that I thought she knew, but I guess didn't. I told her that I always knew that we would move back to her hometown. She seemed really surprised. I kept it simple, told her that I knew that she would be the happiest there and as long as she was happy I would be too. (The entire conversation was past-tense) I then told her how beautiful she was, told her she was the most beautiful women in the world, no one else compares. That’s when she had to hold back the tears the most. I might have made a mistake, I asked what she needed from me. This is what she said, 'She just needed more time, she wants it to be right this time' I'm not sure why, but this crushed me, I really had to fight off tears. I told her that she made me so happy and I really hope she knew that. She said she never really realized that, which I felt really bad about. We also talked about how we wished we would have gone to therapy before things spun out of control, she agreed. Then I ask if she would be willing to go now, she said yes. Should I do it?? I just don't want to push her, but I'm not sure how much 'time' I give. That was all the R talk we had today.

We then left and she asked if I wanted to go to this jazz club tonight, I said sure but it didn't start until 7. So I drove back to her place and she asked if I wanted to come in and watch a movie. This was only like the 3rd time to her new apartment. I went in and we started a movie, but I started to really get sad, seeing all the stuff that we used to share killed me. So I told her that I had better get going and I would pick her up later for the club. How can I get through this, ‘I need more time phase??’ Am I doing something wrong? What should I be doing differently?