Hi Matilda! I finally found you again. This new site really takes some getting used to. I hope you remember me. I have not posted in quite awhile, but I have been lurking until lately. I miss posting.
I understand your "box method" of storing papers perfectly! I spent the entire last two weekends doing exactly what you said you need to do. I went through every box! Man did I find some neat things. It was time consuming, grueling work... but it feels so much better to have it done.
My H even offered to help, but I needed to do it so I could look at each piece of paper to make sure if it was something we needed or not.
Me 54 DS19 and DS17 Married 06/1989 Divorced 01/2011
"I really need to get back into detaching!! I was getting decent at it before, but now I'm lousy."
Maybe because you relaxed and started trusting again when H came home. I find myself moving up and down the detachment themometer myself. You'll get back there.
I was thinking about you this morning and wondered if H isn't going to your parents' party because he feels embarrassed and guilty. Maybe he's more comfortable going to his brother's thing because he doesn't feel as self-conscious?
I haven't posted for along time here but have been reading your thread. The decluttering is a problem for a bunch of us. I have also been working on becoming more organized with paper work. I have our business paper work plus our personal paper work. It can build up so quick. We sold our old house which was big and went to a house about 1/2 the size I am really working on it. My husband said the same things clutter, finances but it was never because he didn't help or spent to much. I'm sure my H is in a MLC right now and it is draining the roller coaster ride. He now compliments the house and that I have lost weight.
I also understand the Black hole of jealously. It consumed my thoughts and time because of the OW who I know. It is like you are falling and can't reach the top to pull your self up. I finally stopped and said I can't do this to myself any more. I started exercising and when I would have those thoughts I would say I am not going to go there. I would say God this one is yours take care of it. It felt like I was letting someone help me. I read alot. You have to GAL for YOU.
I don't think I'm exactly "selfish." But I find when I'm making myself the center of things... for example, thinking of the affair as what my husband "did to me" or, "why wasn't I good enough," or "what was wrong with me".... kind of like being self-absorbed and the center of my universe... then I tend to fall into a sort of self-pity, blame, and relatively depressed state.
while if I separate myself out of it... really look at where my husband was developmentally (the whole MLC thing), his weaknesses, his experiences, influences, etc... then I have an easier time forgiving, realizing that everything wrong isn't entirely my fault and this isn't all about me being unlovable or that there's something wrong with me that caused my husband to do this...
I can see what's good in my husband and realize his weaknesses too. I can look at him more objectively and love and accept him in spite of the negative. Taking out my ego and self-centeredness makes this easier.
P.s. by the way, I have become more self-centered in a different way. I now do more "pampering type" things for me. Like buy new clothes, get my eye brows waxed, etc... similar to how I had done before kids. But I think this is healthy and something I needed to do.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
I had a great time at my parent's anniversary party and managed to avoid most questions about H. Just one cousin could tell something was wrong, but I told her the party wasn't the time to talk about it. Luckily my family was really busy and didn't ask personal questions. I wanted to call H and say, "I want to celebrate OUR 60th one day!" I didn't call, though. He actually thought to call my parent's house the night of the party and left a message for them. That was a surprise (and I told him I greatly appreciated his thoughtful gesture....I told him this via a text message). THere is still a bit of the old, thoughtful H inside!!!!!
Found a message on the computer screen when I got home asking his FF if they still had a date on Sunday. GGGGGRRRRR. He told D16 (she calls him almost daily to keep in touch) that he was with his brother. Wish that didn't bother me so.
Strange night! H came to the house this evening and started fixing our tractor/lawn mower. Turns out he was fixing it to loan to a friend. (I still have the push one to use ) I told him it felt strange not to talk at all!
He barely even talked to D16. When I mentioned that her dad was in the garage she replied that it wasn't her duty to go find him. True! (Why can't HE see that he needs to work on a relationship with her???)Later she did go seek him out to say goodnight. She asked him if he was going to be here in the morning and she told me he just shrugged his shoulders. She is asking me a lot of questions I can't answer.
Now he asked if he could sleep in the basement. He made it clear that he didn't want to talk. Wonder why he even bothered to come over. Maybe the boat is feeling a bit cramped after 10 days.
It's difficult to show a PMA when he acts like a stranger! He definitely caught me off guard by showing up tonight.
) I told him it felt strange not to talk at all!