However, I should clarify that the cold hands on my neck came before I made his lunch. The thing that has changed his behavior is that I have truly been seeing things from his point of view lately.
I spoke of this in my first post, but maybe I should go into more detail:
Two or three weeks ago, H decided that we needed to replace the carpet in our basement. The carpet we needed to replace was brand new when our sewer backed up and soaked a fairly large area of the carpet. We also have a pool table. We pulled the carpet up around the edges and tried to dry it out real well. We were hoping we wouldn't have to replace a brand new carpet or move the pool table. That was five years ago. The cat also had a bladder infection and peed around the edges that hadn't even had sewage on them. We have all started to have bronchial trouble, so it was time to get rid of the stench. H decided he wanted to replace the old carpet with carpet squares. Then we wouldn't have to move the pool table. H was unsure whether to use two colors so we would have a sort of pattern. He didn't know if the pattern would carry through to the hall and other areas without looking odd. I got out a piece of graph paper and drew in the dimensions of our basement and worked out a way that the pattern would work. H agreed with me at the time. I found out later that he felt I had taken over, so he agreed because he was afraid I would be mad if he disagreed with me. I went to the store the next day and ordered the tiles. They were expensive. I thought about calling H to make sure he was okay with the price. I made the mistake of assuming that he just wanted to be rid of that old carpet and the price wasn't a big deal. A couple days later (after cleaning the cement real well and letting it air out) I put a sampling of several tiles down. Then he asked me about the price. I hadn't told him prior to that because I thought that he wasn't asking because he didn't want to know. When he asked, I thought, "Great now he's going to freak," and that is what I said to him before pausing and telling him the price. Naturally, he was angry. We talked about it later and I apologized. I also tend to get in a hurry when working on a project. I told him that I should have taken more time and checked with him more. It especially bothered him that I knew he would freak about the price, but bought the tiles anyway. He felt better after I explained my reasons for not telling him. The next night, I was going to start sticking the tiles down. He suggested that I vacuum the concrete first. I asked if using a sponge would be better. He insisted that vacuuming would be better. I didn't feel that he considered my idea in the least, so I insisted. He started to walk away saying, "Do what you want." I didn't want him to be mad, so I did it his way. It wasn't until the next morning that it dawned on me why he feels that I always want to have my way. To me, it was just that I didn't feel heard. I sent him an e-mail telling him that I could see his point of view. His behavior has been much better since then. He listens to me and responds so I know I was heard. He is a happy man now and seems to want to make me happy, too. Making his lunch and giving him notes is keeping the ball rolling.
I'm so glad for you, that you have nipped this in the bud, before the resentment became like my H. He has had an EA, and in Dec, I just found out, called an attorney's office several times, but hasn't filed or anything, and this was after he said we would try, so I am hoping all the things I am now doing that I wasn't doing before are helping. He has said he wasn't going anywhere, even though over a year ago, he told ow that he was just doing time here waiting for our S to grow up, then leave. But, ow's # hasn't been on his cell phone since, so I am hoping he realizes what a bad mistake we almost made, him not giving me a chance, and me not taking the chance to change.
It seems that the more their viewpoints are validated, and their worth is affirmed, the more they feel good about themselves and you.
You know... you might want to pick up a book called, "Mama Gena's Owner and Operators Guide for Men." She has a web site... and quite a few books.
Number one, the woman is flippin' hilarious. And number two, a lot of what she says... works.
Make sure you continue catching your husband doing things 'right.' Take little steps, because he probably is a bit wary of this new you. If I were you, I would really take the time to explain to him, in one of your emails, how different you feel now that you are taking the AD... so he can really get a sense of how bad you feel about all the years of anger, number one, and so he can understand that some of it may have been beyond your control. Really try to describe it for him... but not to make him feel bad, but to give him the hope he needs that the changes happening in you aren't just temporary.
Men really do want to make their women happy. I think if you continue to be patient, and work on things outside the bedroom, he will begin to come around inside the bedroom. Try to be patient. Let it go for a time. If you come out with something a bit 'brazen' right now... he's just going to take it as you trying to 'control' him, and what he's doing isn't good enough. He'll take what you are doing/saying, not as a constructive, come-play-with-me suggestion... but as a criticism.
I noticed, also, that you are asking him... 'would it be okay if I did this... would it be okay if I did that...' Good for you. You don't want to become weak and meek... but asking for an opinion, because you really want it... not because you want to manipulate him, is very important to a man.
Keep up your good work. Get Mama Gena's book. I KNOW you will love it!
Well, I am sure there are so many ways of getting a little help here and a little help there for what you want to accomplish. And from what I have read of "Mama Gena" her advice is very selfish. And the sister goddess thing is weird in my opinion. Of course, so many people are very hedonistic anyway these days, so it's no surprise she has a following. And of course we all have free will to follow whatever we wish to follow.
I guess I prefer the more Biblically based way to treat a H. And I don't mean a staid, stale sex life, I mean a happy, active sex life, and a way of making your H KNOW he is the most important man in your life. I feel that God has told us how to treat our mates, and although not every one agrees with Biblical principle, putting it into practice after years of ignoring my H's needs is really helping us. And if your H, cj, likes for you to "dress up" for him, I don't think it's brazen to do so, I think you know what he can tolerate, and what may offend him.
Even though I sometimes feel as though my H isn't all the way there to saving our M, I still treat him in all ways I can as if our M IS on the way to lasting forever. He is number one in my life, well, second only to God, of course. He is the leader of our home, too. And, cj, getting your H's opinion on doing things around the house, and on other things are definitely getting you on the right track to making him feel like the leader of his home. That shows him you really do respect him.
More good luck to you, and if I have given you any poor advice, I am sorry.
You haven't given me any bad advice. I appreciate everything you have said. Some of it has already produced excellent results--like the lunch box notes. I put a note inside his lunch box again last night. He looked inside this morning to see what I put in there. He asked for yogurt and a boiled egg, so that is what I gave him. He decided he wanted another boiled egg, so he added one and said, "And there's another note. I've been a good boy." He was beaming.
H hasn't really done much to earn the title of "good boy" but I don't care right now. Just seeing him so happy is enough along with with the playfulness the other night and being a better listener. They are small things, but they mean a lot to me--which really does make him a "good boy".
I am feeling a bit anxious about this Saturday. I don't know what to expect. I asked H Tuesday night whether he wanted to plan something while D and BF are gone at the prom, or if he wanted us to plan something together, or let me. Did he want to do something at home or go out? He said he would have to think about it. Could he be thinking about surprising me? Or is he going to do his usual and ask me at the last minute what I want to do or where I would like to go?
H has shied away from planning anything in the past because he was afraid I would expect too much and if it didn't go the way I expected I would be mad. I don't think that would make me mad, but he does. He would say that when we were having one of our R talks and his feelings were hurt. He would say the thing about planning completely out of context and add something about spontaneity and go on to some other complaint. I don't get a chance to ask him what he meant and don't really want to because I want to get back to whatever we had really been talking about or just soothing his hurt feelings. When I try to ask him what he meant at a later date, he gets mad again. I don't know how to figure out where his head is without making him mad. I don't want to lose what we have gained either.
As far as "dressing up" for my H. I am only hesitant because it hurts to not get a response. I think he likes it. It just takes a lot to get him to notice.
Well, thanks, cj, because I felt your H was alot like mine in some ways, and words of affirmation is one of his love languages. And especially if he has had such a great reaction to it. It is really something finding out that what seems like such a small thing to us is really important to them.
And he is responding in turn to you, and whatever he decides to do on Sat, be very enthusiastic about it. I had hoped to go out for our anniversary, or valentine's day, but he wanted to cook out here, so I got enthusiastic about it on valentine's day, because I stupidly let him know I would rather have gone out on our anniversary, and his feelings were hurt. Maybe he will surprise you, after all you certainly have been surprising him lately, and his beaming smile tells you how happy he is about it. And my H always said the same thing about my not thinking what he did was good enough for me, so I understand that.
About the dressing up for him, I sometimes will put on a sexy nightie, and not say a word to him about it, but just carry on my regular routine. Sometimes he has ignored it, but sometimes he will practically grab me when we get into bed. And either way, it gives him something to think and dream about. because even if he doesn't say anything, he does notice.
can't write much but saw that there were NO ow calls past month....Yeah!!!!!! Rock on.
Hey, VC you are a DIY type of gal. Does the "Check engine" light on my dashboard, in the only car I can find keys to, mean anything? Hope not... j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I had hoped to go out for our anniversary, or valentine's day, but he wanted to cook out here, so I got enthusiastic about it on valentine's day, because I stupidly let him know I would rather have gone out on our anniversary, and his feelings were hurt.
I know what you mean. A couple weeks after that date we had when D was out for the night, I asked H if he would like to try to recreate any part of that date. He said he would and we planned to go out that weekend. He didn't tell me what he had in mind. I was hoping for a surprise. That morning, he asked me if it was okay if we did something simple because he was a little tired. I thought he meant something like a reservation somewhere and a nice note or a special table setting or something like that, so I said that would be fine. I thought that would be simple. I worked that day. When I got home, he asked me where I would like to go. I was a little disapointed that he hadn't at least made a reservation. I said, "Do you want to make a reservation somewhere so that we won't have to wait for a table? Are you sure you don't want to surprise me?" He said, "Okay, go ahead and take your shower, I'll see what I can do." When I was done showering, He was sitting on the couch with the phone book open and looking very unhappy. I asked him what was wrong. He said he didn't wanted to make a reservation. He was angry that I wanted one. I told him that if he didn't want a reservation, we didn't have to make one. We could do whatever he wanted to. We went to a restaurant not far from our house and he seemed somewhat sulky the whole time. I sure don't want that to happen again.
Is your car a new one? "Check Engine" on a newer car might mean it is time for an oil change or some other regular maintenance thing. Or you might have left the gas cap a little loose.
25yrs, funny you should ask that question. My engine light came on once when a little water managed to get into the gas, eventually it went off, and then last week, my H got gas in my car at a different station, and guess what the check engine light came on. In the manual, one of the things that could cause it is bad gas. Well, time for filling up the car came again, and H wasn't able to get to the gas station for me, so I went to my regular place, and it took another couple of days or so, but the light went off the other day.
