[/quote] Are the unresolved issues as clear to your wife as they are to you? It sounds like she is accepting your advise which is good. I hope she won't resent you trying to fix things for her (giving her the message she can't do it by herself). Continue to be a good (and concerned) listener.
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Matilda and Slowly, I think my W is generally aware of some of her issues--procrastination, perfectionism, anxiety, etc.. I think she lacks hopefullness that she can work-thru these issues. She is overwhelmed by them.
She does have a positive in her live (in addition to me IMO). She has been asked by one of the top amateur salsa dancers in our community to compete in a competition this summer.
She has begun taking private lessons to prepare for this. As is her pattern she has set high undefined standards for herself. Thankfully, she has found a calm, patient, positive teacher to work with.
She has made comments over the past months about needing someone with a temperament similar to hers. However, it's the calm temperament that she responds to to help ground her.
She was eager to tell me about her dance lesson yesterday. He has identified areas for her to work on and to stretch her skills as a dancer. She thinks highly of him as a person and a dance instructor. I'm thrilled that they're working together.
She asked me to dinner last night and I accepted. We joined her chiropractor, who is a regular at the restaurant to watch the ballgame, and chat. It was a nice evening.
I'm thinking of declining the invitation to the neice's skating event next weekend. I don't think I can stay positive for an entire overnight trip. I also want to start breaking the pattern of going on family outings out of loyalty and obligation every time.
Matilda, please let me know when and where you start your new thread.
CL
Last edited by Concerned_Listener; 04/18/0711:04 PM.
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
She was eager to tell me about her dance lesson yesterday. He has identified areas for her to work on and to stretch her skills as a dancer. She thinks highly of him as a person and a dance instructor. I'm thrilled that they're working together.
Hi CL - There are so many positives in just a couple of days. Firstly, you seem much calmer, and able to see the situation more objectively. Yes, she does have issues to work through. Secondly, she feels comfortable sharing her ups and downs. Nice baby step.
Sounds like your decision to skip the niece related outing is a sensible one. Combined with actually attending the party, they seem like a couple of significant 180s. Important to leave her space to digest and reflect on your changes.
Slowly and Friends, I did make the decision to decline the overnight outing to the neice's skating performance. My W didn't seem to care whether or not I went this time.
I also made the decision to attend my neice's religious ceremony in Boston on my own. I don't think it would be a positive experience at this time if my W went. I'll have to rehearse a line to explain to family why my W didn't attend.
My W slept elsewhere on Wednesday and Friday nights. Her patterns of 2-3X per week persists.
She and I practiced dancing together last night. She shares with me tips that she has learned from her dance instructor. I make sure to thank her for sharing those with me, and am grateful for her time and attention.
She continues with her handyman projects. She caulked the bathtub earlier this week. It looks great! I think these projects give her a sense of accomplishment. It's important to her that I praise her for her work.
I went to the drug store last night and bought about $60 worth of toiletries. I was on the phone with her, making sure that I got exactly what she wanted. She was appreciative of me keeping her stocked-up with her bathroom supplies.
I went to my dance venue tonight and had a wonderful time. She didn't join us this time.
I'm trying to cultivate and maintain a PMA, with the help of this online community, and the book, "Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway." I do think the only way thru this is to live a life larger than your marital problems, increase your social connections,and participate in meaningful activities (GAL). You then hope that the W who likely is in MLC, or struggling with depression will respond and eventually join you. If not, then you shake your head, as you know that she will experience the consequences of her poor judgment, at some point.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
I did make the decision to decline the overnight outing to the neice's skating performance. My W didn't seem to care whether or not I went this time.
She may have given the impression of not caring one way or the other, but I bet she did notice that something has changed. Sometimes the most effective way to get a message across is with soft action, like breaking the expectation bar.
Originally Posted By: Concerned_Listener
My W slept elsewhere on Wednesday and Friday nights. Her patterns of 2-3X per week persists.
From the many other cases here, this will only change when the boredom sets in, and that can only happen if no one treats it like a taboo. It must be so hard for you, but you are able to look at the much bigger picture here. But there is a natural cycle at play here. Given that she is working on improving the home I'd say whatever she goes away for cannot possibly be that serious.
Originally Posted By: Concerned_Listener
You then hope that the W who likely is in MLC, or struggling with depression will respond and eventually join you. If not, then you shake your head, as you know that she will experience the consequences of her poor judgment, at some point.
Yup, this is the most positive way to go about it. Just keep it in your minds for those moments when the situation seems hopeless. You can work through this.
I was at my dance venue on Friday night. My W did not attend this time. She slept elsewhere that night.
I made plans for Saturday night to attend a play by myself, as I had not heard from her, and I certainly wasn't going to pursue her. She called mid-afternoon, and invited herself along. I decided to let her join me. It turned-out to be a nice evening. She even put her head on my shoulder!
I spoke with my parents, and advised them that I would be going solo to Boston for my neice's religious ceremony. I know it doesn't help in regards to my W's position with my family, but I think it's best she stay back this trip.
I contacted my dance instructor and made reservations for a dance workshop next weekend. My W will be out-of-town at her neice's skating performance. This is the first time I haven't made this trip with my W in years.
On Sunday, she invited me along to practice dancing with a joint friend (host of last week's party). I decided to attend, to cultivate my R with this man, and to pick-up a few dance pointers. It was a nice afternoon.
On the way home, we stopped at a hardware store to buy a doorknob for the guest room, where I'm currently sleeping. She continues with her quest to do home maintenance projects.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
I made plans for Saturday night to attend a play by myself, as I had not heard from her, and I certainly wasn't going to pursue her. She called mid-afternoon, and invited herself along. I decided to let her join me. It turned-out to be a nice evening. She even put her head on my shoulder! CL
I'm so glad you were able to make plans and not pursue her. And she is obviously not worried about inviting herself. Maybe next time, some mystery might be a good 180. Not today honey, I have other commitments. I know it hard not to worry that you may be pushing her away, but trust me, she is ready to start wondering what you might be doing. She needs to ponder on the possibility. And for most of us, the WAS woke up when we started going out without them. In ernest.
Matilda, Yoyo, Slowly, and Friends, I went to visit my IC yesterday. He clearly doesn't approve of my W's sleeping elsewhere behavior. He doesn't think I should stay in a M, where the other person isn't committed to solving problems as partners. I told him that I'm thinking about my options, but am not ready to file for D. I suppose it's helpful to be reminded that I shouldn't let this go on indefinitely. He helps me to be objective about this situation, and to stay focused on my goals.
My W has begun initiating some physical contact (touching me affectionately). She seems to be inviting me to participate in her life on a more frequent basis. She asked me to dinner last night. She asked me to participate in a dance lesson, with her instructor.
She is contemplating what kind of work she would enjoy. She is in a social services position that she doesn't enjoy. She has a graduate degree in business, and has worked in social services for seven years.
She is considering going to school to get a massage therapy license. Her mother has offered to help with tuition. I'm not too proud to accept her help.
My opinion is that if she's thinking about career choices, than it's a matter of time before she starts making a plan for some change. Doing work that she enjoys, is suited to her personality and values, and pays her a respectable salary, will IMO greatly improve the quality of her life.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Slowly
Slowly