Have you ever honestly turned the mirror around and looked at yourself?
Having been here this long, you have surely had time for introspection but it seems any insight you may have gained and/or changes you might have made is/are not being conveyed well to your wife.
Yes, I have. It took me a while to finally figure it out after W first told me she wanted D. I realized there were numerous things that I needed to change about myself. Things that contributed to the demise of our M. Confirmed w/ W, that what I found out about myself did need to be worked on and W also confirmed that I had changed them for to the positive. When working on them asked W for feedback to make sure we were communicating. W acknowledge all of these. But recently W has told me it didn't really make a diffence b/c she had changed. She just wasn't sure how she had changed. She's still trying to find herself. In the beginning of our new R, W agreed there were going to be things that weren't perfect but we would continue to work and grow. Unfortunately, I cannot read her mind to find out what it is she requires or dislikes. This is very ironic, since this is what she always used to say to me. She will not tell me what is bother her about the R, other than she has changed.
We had agreed, in order to help each other understand the other, to write down and discuss those things that each felt could use improvement. How it was that each of us need to communicate so that the other knew what was being said. W has not been willing to do so. I will also admit, I have not been as diligent as of late. Backslid, if you will. I have refocused my efforts. However, the distancing and the absence of my W started prior to this.
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Sorry if you have done this and you and regular posters to you have a different perception than I do. I do not mean to offend you.
I don't take offense. I asked for your help and evalution b/c you take a very honest and practical approach in the theads or yours that I have. "You call it, like you see it".
I ask for your O, in the hopes that you see something that neither my W or I are seeing, b/c you have been on both sides.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, if I missed something in my own personal evaluation, then I want to know about it. Whether good, bad or indifferent. It is difficult for a person to see all of their faults. I know I have many. Some I have discovered. Others I'm sure I have not. I have worked to correct some, not all. I don't thing anyone can every correct all of their own faults, but we can try. I also feel that sometimes a person must have help from those closest, to help point out those faults. The person cannot correct those faults which they are not aware bother those closest. At that same time, I don't believe that those who feel they are being offended can justly claim that offense if they are not willing to lend their assistance in pointing out those faults.
You know your wife is on a journey. You can not accompany her. You can not shadow her.
I am very sensitive to what she wrote because of my own history and now, I am watching my sister begin a MLC of her own...but all my understanding can't help her and that's hard for me to take but a MLCer is very much alone no matter how many people surround them and care. That's just the way it is and, I believe, has to be.
So do you suppose maybe now is the time for you to throw it in neutral and take your hands off the wheel...?
I guess more accurately, it is difficult for a person to see all of their faults as others perceive them.
It's not what someone else perceives your problems to be that matters because you're not going to sincerely and deeply CHANGE just because someone else thinks you need to. Ask any alcoholic if they stopped drinking because someone said they needed to.....Uh uh, not for good they didn't. But when THEY saw the problems alcohol caused in their lives and THEY made the CHOICE to stop drinking, get educated...etc......you see where I'm going with this.
This is the part where you come face to face with yourself and your God and all that you are NOT in spite of all you were created to BE.
Some men won't 'go there' because they think they're "self-made".
Nevertheless, this is now not a bit about her and ALL about you.
Not YOU living with her, either.
But you being able to live with YOURSELF even if she is gone.
So do you suppose maybe now is the time for you to throw it in neutral and take your hands off the wheel...?
If you are asking me do I feel I can let her go on the current path she has taken? I honestly have to say, "Not w/o a fight". I look at the woman I once knew, or thougth I knew (however you want to look @it). I see the person that I wanted to spend the rest of my life w/. I see, or saw, that after the pain w/ both admitted causing each other, we both began working on creating something special again. Now I see, for no apparent reason, other than W says she changed between then and now, it all falling to pieces again. She blames me for feeling dead inside, but she can't tell me when, why, how or what I did to make her feel that way. Only that she's changed. I see someone who dearly wanted to be a mother and have nothing but her childrens' best interest @ heart, turn bitter and impatient w/ them, b/c "she's changed". I've seen someone who is loved by a caring family and good friends, who would do anything, save watch her walk away, completely turn her back on them, b/c she's changed. Yet she can't see all that she has done or is able to justify it in her mind.
I have posted several times, and told W the same, that I could not be friends w/ her after D. I don't know if that holds true or not. I will always consider her to be W. I still L my W more than anything, equally to my Ss. W has always accused my of going overboard when I try to reach a goal And when I say accused I mean it in a good way. I am also loyal to no end. I will fight for those I love and what I believe in. I'm sure I do go overboard sometimes. I also envision the thoughts and pain that will go through 2 Ss and continue to tear @ them everytime their M & I would get together. Their hope, justified or not, of us getting back together. I read on the BB about S/D going through this right now. The emotional problems and issues. The constant tugging @ the kids. I know half dozen families, right now, D'd and the kids changing houses every week, going to C, dealing w/ self destuctive behavior. Their parents took the "high road". The show the kids L. They don't demonize the S. They don't talk bad about the S. The do as much as they can as a "family" and the kids are still a wreck. All this b/c someone "changed".
So ya, I'd have to say I wouldn't let go w/o a fight.
It's not what someone else perceives your problems to be that matters because you're not going to sincerely and deeply CHANGE just because someone else thinks you need to.
No, but it does help identify the priortiy of which problems need to be solved first, or which problems are more serious than others. And I do feel that flaws or problems, as perceived by others, are important. Espcially when it involves people trying to maintain relationships or live in close proximity, or maintain what would be "societal norms".
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This is the part where you come face to face with yourself and your God and all that you are NOT in spite of all you were created to BE.
Some men won't 'go there' because they think they're "self-made".
Unfortunately, I can't really debate or comment on your statement. I have never been a devout or overly religious man. I have never been an overly philosophical person either. Do I believe in God? Yes, w/o a doubt. Let's leave it @ that.
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Nevertheless, this is now not a bit about her and ALL about you.
Not YOU living with her, either.
But you being able to live with YOURSELF even if she is gone.
This is not about me. This is not about her. This is about two people who made a commitment. That commitment of M and 2 each other. W/in that commitment of M is love, honor and support. Much like the vows say. I don't say obey, b/c I don't feel there should be a difference in power. It's not about power @ all. Difference of responsibility, but not power. Those 2 people made another commitment. They chose to have C. They made a commitment to the C to love them, care for them, support them, nurture them and protect them. Anymore, in today society, not very many people are willing to stand by their commitments. There is no stigma attached to giving up and walking out. It's too easy. This goes for a lot of things now-a-days.
Can I live w/ myself if she's gone. Yes, for the fact I know I'm trying to do anything and everything I can for my C. Will I feel like I've failed my children? Possibly. Can I accept failure? Most definitely. Will it be painful. Most likely, but that pain will not just be b/c she's not there with me. That pain will be b/c my C will be suffering as well. They don't have a choice in the matter. W does. Seems to me I remember one of the founding principles of all of this is "L is a choice". That's fine if you're an adult. But C don't really have that choice. They don't know it's theirs yet. C don't ask to be brought in to this world. We make that decision. I may not have found everything I need to do as of yet, but that's why I'm trying to find out more. I'm not done yet. I'm not just giving up, walking out and saying "life's tough, but I don't feel like working on it anymore"
BeinMe posted
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. . .Children are resilient to a point, but why should they have to be. Why can't they just have a wonderful, stress free childhood?
I can't agree more. Children shouldn't have to suffer b/c someone decided it was just too tough, or they've "changed". I don't by it. It's a copout.
Is this about me? NO. Is this about my C? That's what it's basically come down to. Will I be happier if I'm able to come to a solution that is the most benefitial for my children. You betcha'. But there's not a thing wrong w/ that either.
AmyC, Sorry I climbed back on my soap box. I guess I can say that's one of my flaws.
Why did I ask you to post? I guess I'm still looking for answers. I don't like not being able to figure something out.
This is something I still haven't figured out. That's not the reason for the quest though. I still hold out hope that things could change to something that benefits all. That W would see what is happening to those she still L, and all of those that L her.
I guess I'm still holding out hope for that one magic answer, that I know is not really out there. Maybe someone that has been there and comeback can give me a little more hope to hang on. That's probably why I asked you to post.
And when I say accused I mean it in a good way. I am also loyal to no end. I will fight for those I love and what I believe in. I'm sure I do go overboard sometimes. I also envision the thoughts and pain that will go through 2 Ss and continue to tear @ them everytime their M & I would get together. Their hope, justified or not, of us getting back together. I read on the BB about S/D going through this right now. The emotional problems and issues. The constant tugging @ the kids. I know half dozen families, right now, D'd and the kids changing houses every week, going to C, dealing w/ self destuctive behavior. Their parents took the "high road". The show the kids L. They don't demonize the S. They don't talk bad about the S. The do as much as they can as a "family" and the kids are still a wreck. All this b/c someone "changed".