I forgot how nice it was to have people who really understand thinking of me. Today I'm better but still not great. I'm questioning myself as I probably alwasy will but kept my spirits up. I started working for one of those in home direct sales companies about 7 months ago. I have a show to do tonight so that's always something to look forward to. I like to get dressed nice and meet new people...making money in the process is just a bonus.
last night as usual h came home from work...went and took a shower..joined me and the kids who had already started eating (don't give me the wait for him it doesn't work we never know what time he'll get in) finished put his plate in the sink...sat on the deck and fixed sons fishing rod and then retreated to the basement where he fell asleep until I put the kids to bed, did the dishes, folded another load of laundry, cleaned up the family room and then went down. He then sat up and went up to bed. Last night I had a hard time falling asleep with him next to me. I can honestly say that while he was gone I got used to having the bed to myself and now prefer it that way.
I've decided I'm going to buy myself a new pair of roller blades (in-line skates) and go when the weathers nice and the kids are in school. I'll have to find a bike rack for my car so that when the summer hits I can bring them with me. Time to start living the life I want instead of dwelling in the fact that I can't have the m I want while I'm married to h. I did do these things before but stopped because it just all seemed pointless...no matter how good my life was or how happy I was everywhere else with everything else my m just stayed crappy.
If I do go back to c it will have to be a new one. I do have a few names/numbers but again there will be the day that I'm ready and will call.
I hope you realize how much your posts are appreciated. A lot of people have given up on me or just left the board since it's been so long now. I'm confident that someday things will be better I've just got to figure out exactly what that will look like and start getting me and my kids there...if h follows along good if not well then I'll take care of that. Does that mean I'm going to spend another 5 years in a crappy m? NO, it means the clock is ticking...I've realized I can't live this way and I'm going to change what I can if the m doesn't change because of it then it will formally end since it will have already emotionally ended.
it sure would be nice if h were willing to have a real heart to heart with some solutions or ideas but that just doesn't seem to be in the card and I have to step up to the plate and take charge of my life.
