JustM, I was detaching so good for a while there and H started (a little bit coming around, but H also thought I was seeing someone else). He just did not seem to care enough I think....
I have told him to move out actually Many times! Last two weeks thats ALL I was saying to him and thats when he started staying @ OW's house more often including the weekdays and then evry other night. I was even sleeping better since I knew he was not just down the hallway from me.
Thanks.
Sofaraway,
Please tell it like it is! Thats what I like about you!! That is why I called on you. I will start to detach again...You see I have told him over and over again to move out and he say NO b/c "this is my house". I also have told him to leave until the D papaers are filed at least. The more I tell him to leave which by the way a week ago that was ALL I would say conversation wise, the more he says no. H is like a child or like THING 1 & THING 2, he will do or say the opposite of what is asked!!
Fine,, he doesnt want to leave, that is his choice. So instead, detach at home. Do not cook for him, do not clean for him, nothing. Make him take care of his own sh^t, do not cater to his needs. Screw your wifely duties, they go out the window until he starts treating you like a wife again. Do not sit around and watch tv with him, do not talk with him about anything other than the kids or finances. Do not be his wife right now. Make him see what life will be without you.
Just M is dead on, men want the unattainable and right now he knows he has you. Not for nothing but make sure you always look your best when he is home. Wear something sexy, be desirable to him. Make sure he see's what he is missing. Also, anytime you leave the house when he is there, dress sexy, look great going out and make him wonder what the hell you are doing. Do not share with him where you are going, ever, let him wonder what the hell is up.
Chicki, it is time to take the bull by the horns and show this clown that you have tha capability to live without his cheating a$s. He needs to see that your not afraid of losing him and that you don't want him right now. Very, very important.
My H revealed an OW. My thread is "revelation: EA". He has not done anything yet. But we "broke up".
Sofaraway, I like what your saying, can you look at my sitch too? I have a feeling you will say the same to me though. I like the idea of not doing anything for him though. Its just hard.
Chicki I know what your going through. I need to start the detachment all over.
Ok, I understand to a point. I don't know if it's The DR book or the people here that say this, but I thought us wives have to make the home feel like a safe haven so that they will want o stay home?? I know that what has worked in the past as far as him stopping from staying out or going out all night was when I was "killing him w/ kindness". Even in the beginning when I first found out ,one of my 180's were to learn how to cook more variety of recipes as H is a much better cook than I ( and by the way supposedely so is OW). H was coming home everyday to see what new item I had on the menu and at first I did not understand it when he would comem in a bad mood and tell me that it wasn't me, but then I gathered she was mad at him for coming straight home again. I was finally getting more compliments and also the fights were not like before.
I know michelle says to keep doing what works., but it just seemes like when I would detach thingsd got worse and thats when he would see her more! I noticed he started back up again (changing back) when I was no longer available or telling him where I was going. The last time I asked him to wacth the girls on a Saturday while I was going to run errrands I was able to read H' body language clearly, it was the first time I saw him hurting, looked down and w/ a very hurt look ( i think he thought I was going to go see another man). That day is when H took the girls for the 1st time to OW's for a sleep over! Things went downhill after that b/c I told him he crossed the line w/ the children.
Hey Chick....I was told to come over to your thread and see what's going on.....looks like the H is not grown up yet and reading a line from you saying he looked down about having the kids....well, I am guessing that it was not because of you directly but because he had to watch the kids and wasn't going to able to she his skanky TPT woman.....with detaching....you have to go about it like he is the last thing on your mind and for the most part on him acting differently when you were cooking things differently???? Of course he would be nice.....I would be nice too and play along like you have forgotten about the whole affair thing and would think that you would have accepted the infidelity........NOT!!!!! He is having his cake and eating it too. Proof is that he is still seeing his woamn from the Jerry Springer show. WAKE UP!!!
I understand from the little bit that I have read and I am more than sure you will bring me up to speed on things but from what I read....you need to just brain dump him and have him think that he is totally out of the picture. Yes, detachment is hard...I went through it for a while....but you can do it...it will either work, or he will finally move out. You have to be the stronger one and not let him have his way by you giving in. I know the "what works" thing but I hope you can see that it is a 50/50 thing for you....try something different....cook only enough for you and the kids...end of story....
So talk to me....what's on your mind? You want blunt....well you got it.
Chickie, let me first tell you that I asked FA to come over here. He is very knowledgable and truth be told an even better straight shooter than I am. So do not discount what he says, he speaks from vast knowledge.
what do I think of that, I think you need to do what I suggested to you. It's not all about what works sometimes, it's also about what you can accept and being walked all over by this guy while he is screwing someone else. Let me put it to you this way Chickie, take the marriage and kids out of the equation here. If you were simply dating this guy what would you do? I thought so.....
Long story short Chickie....I cheated one time....11 years ago and never did it again and never will. It was stupid mistake on my part and I paid for it everyday past that. Some never do it again....for me example...and others will continue to do it....worst part about your sitch....he is still doing it and obviously has no regrets about what he has done to you and your family or what he is still doing.
Chickie, take the marriage and kids out of the equation here. If you were simply dating this guy what would you do? I thought so..
Exactly.
Chickie, it doesn't work the way you think it does with guys. You think if you kiss my butt and make me my favorite meals and have sex with me whenever I'm horny that you'll win me away from the other woman. It's almost like a competition. Who can love me most and the best. And it must be okay to have this other person because you aren't complaining about it. Rather, it must make you love me even more. Well that's demeaning to you. What price will you pay to have your husband back? Complete loss of who you are? Will you essentially be his slave from now until you die in order to keep him?
Yes, tough love will push him toward her initially, but it will drive him crazy that he can't have you anymore. As far as asking him to move out...you should look at legal options...a separation agreement. Or move his stuff to another room. Or move out yourself if you're able, although I don't like that option.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
You moving out....screw that...separation agreement? Hell yes.....get it soon and it will make him speak his mind....yes I'll move out or no....my affair is not what I thought it was....but kick him out anyways....or he will never take you seriously again.
Hey thanks guys!! I knew I could count on good 'ol honest feed back from the men. I did not ask the women b/c they will only think like I.
Just M, I like how you put it- complete loss of who I am. When I first started to really detach and doing my own and not caring or showing concern for who or where he was at, not questioning him whatsoever and making myself busy GALing, H was actaing really funny (weird). One night when all of my 3 girls had asleep over he came in I think just to check on me (sat. night and figured I was going out). H asked who I was going out w/ and I was very vague about it. We were in the kitchen when he all of a sudden grabbed the sink hose and aimed at me and said "tell me who your going with!" Or just palin acting silly to get me to algh or something. WHen H started ( the ist night of weekeday) to leave the house and I was in bed it around 11pm and H knew I was not totally asleep, but he made alot of loud noises to let me know he was leaving. I told to take enough clothes for the entire week and to stya at her house and then I turned the othe other way an continued sleeping. (this was a biggie for me to do). "No i will be back tomorrow to bother you, but then took his sweet old time to leave and came over to take the covers off of me and thats when I knew he must of been horny (we still had not ML in along time). H was testing me to see if I(the old me) would ask/beg him to stay, but I didn't.
Yet all the signs are there that for some reason he soesn't want to live w/ her or have something more serious w/ her. At one time it seemed like he was getting tired of her or maybe she was just pressuring too much.
I have told him that he is dooing the cheating he needs to move out. And why not w/ her since she is so great and makes you so happy? " I don't want that" he says. Well, H has always complained he is sick of the house that he never wanted to buy in the first place.Now he says he likes the house! I told him why not go w/ his "old plan" for him to move out and only pay the mortagage and I would pay the electric and this will be his child support until the papers are filed? "No way am I moving"
I have to see what the laws r here in Florida for seperation b/c I read on these threads that FL has no "legal sep."????
