Cobra Stop worrying about getting validation from outsiders. That validation doesn’t mean squat. I am not "looking for" validation on the SSM forum but appreciate it when offered and am more importantly looking for what is considered the most correct way to do some things.
Some validation does mean squat Cobra.
Hearing most of my life that sex is an obligation for some women, then hearing don't apologize because you want sex, validates my belief that what I would like to have isn't abnormal or selfish.
Do you not think you deserve the things you ask for? If you do, why would you ever feel guilty that she has to undergo work and pain to do them for you? Because I consider the effort and distance someone goes through to do something I like and maybe they don't like.
The story of the egg or ham comes to mind. A chicken can give you an egg and live. The pig has to die for me to have ham. IOW, what does it cost the giver.
She can only come to the realization that she needs to change herself by reevaluating her world by herself. When your frustration rises and you distance, her stress rises too and she then approaches you. But you cave in and rescue her. So she never has to learn the hard lessons. She gets her soothing and reassurance and goes back to her old ways and the cycle starts over. I agree.
I think you fear her leaving you if she does this... It’s more like I fear screwing up something I/we should have been able to fix or manage better.
Many days I think if there were someone that would take care of BB better than me and make her happier than I do, I wouldn't have many thoughts about asking her to stay if she wanted to leave.
I took on the job of a H, life partner and friend. For a long time that job was rewarding. It took work but it was doable. Now there are fewer rewards and more disconnects on some days. Some days the effort/reward ratio is so far off/poor, I think I won’t be able to get what I want from the R and BB won't feel like she will get what she needs. Other times I see improvements.
If I put less effort into the R, then the effort/reward ratio is better for me but not what I would call a good H/W relationship.
Most likely, concern about failure is ahead of fear of BB leaving.
You have to decide what you want, whether you can hold onto your sense of guilt for asking for such things and whether you can get out of your own way. That sounds about right.
