New Thread for 2940!!!!!

[25yearsmlc]

29,

I want to understand something. You said you guys had two "biggies" for R issues. One was sex, and the other was....communicating about sex?? Is that correct?
Are you both in agreement about this? If so, what are you doing about it?

As for your anger hijacking your mind at times, get used to it. Even if you reconcile, you've still been really and deeply hurt. At this point in the whole ugly process, the LBSer (you) are extremely and exclusively focussed on getting him back, then the next stage is working on oneself...you are getting there... So at this point in this whole weird painful process, you simply can't look at the present anger too much b/c it hinders your progress in the internal work you are doing, (such as forgiving and improving as a woman). Plus, we KNOW our anger sure doesn't help us get the WAS back. SO we don't deal with the anger at this point. Certainly not in front of the WAS.

But the thing is, at some point your anger WILL need to be dealt with. Forgiveness does NOT depend on your H coming back. Forgiveness is something you need to do to prevent you from letting your life be consumed by justifiable but unhealthy, anger and hurt. Haven't you ever met a woman who has been divorced and talks about the ow her H left her for....only to find out it was a DECADE AGO...???? and she's Still talking about it within the first 15 minutes of meeting someone. At some point you'll say, "I will not be a bitter ex-wife, OR a bitter wife..." And you'll mean it.
That is one of many reasons I come here to this bb. So I never become that type of "life long victim".

H has lived far away for two years this summer, when I and d9 will join him. I can argue and debate that choice for a decade, but in the end, it's what I'm willing to try...I digress. My point is that you should expect periodic "ambushes" of emotion wherein a small item or comment acts as a trigger point for pain. You have to keep it from making you spew, and then do some internal work on it. One tiny example for me was recent. D18 graduates from HS and our children have heard for decades about "the graduation trip" in which we'd take them anywhere they want to go (well, not Baghdad, etc). But THIS summer we cannot swing it, we have a move coming up, H's income is lower now than it was before his idiocy, although in the fall he'll make more (a gazillion dollars and "this will all be worth it, blah blah blah"...) and she has to get ready for college, I'll have a new job. SO it looks like a summer that doesn't have room for an extended trip overseas. Suddenly H says HE can't make it this summer b/c "certification of the hospital prevents Him from going..." blah blah blah and I realize that HE thinks HE is taking her WITHOUT anyone else, for a "father daughter" trip. I'm thinking, "you gotta be kidding, you left before her junior year of high school-which DID impact her grades,btw- and NOW you want to swoop in and show her the world??!!??

So, it triggered a lot of resentment in me. But I asked myself what I'd prefer, him ignoring her? Even though I cannot say I am "done" with that, I do know that it's FAR better for H to at least WANT to take her and maybe try to make up in some small way, for all the time he missed. Things like this crop up and WE are reconciling. I don't want my anger to spoil the "NOW" moments we have. But then, I don't have an OW to deal with (I hope) so I believe in a big way it is easier for me than some women here. But I DO have children and when someone hurts them, I get VERY upset...so in that respect this is harder WITH kids than without. We MUST deal with each other, no choice there, AND we must protect their hearts as much as we can.

Don't be freaked out by your anger. You'd be nuts not to feel some anger. There may come a time when there is too much pain and betrayal for you to go back, and that is usually when the LBSer comes to believe that trust cannot or will not be restored. Or that the conditions needed in order for the LBSer to really trust and really forgive, etc. are just too much work for the WAS. Especially if the WAS is proud. Their pride can ruin things, and so can ours.
....You are NOT at that stage by a long shot. Right now the more you ask, the more you push him away.

I wish you could look at this as "practice" at being a widow but NOT one who is still in grief. I wish you'd become a woman who is seeking and finding out what ELSE the world offers her. Does Any of this resonate? Hope so. Good luck
j-