Just supporting you, and letting you know I know how you feel. I am in a similar sitch, in that I feel like a chicken running around without a head, not knowing in which direction to run. Hope or not to hope ... detach or not detach ... trust or no trust ... stay, go ... ???? I feel caught up in a whirlpool.
Just take it one day at a time, and as Phoenix wrote on my thread, don't make any decisions when in an emotional state (or, words to that affect). As for the email you sent ... sounds like emails I sent my H, 2 years ago. I know how this all sucks, and I feel so bad for your S8 ... the image of him holding his mother's hairband, just breaks my heart.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
always_14 Actually I have. I used to lurk when my thread was over in Newcomers. I still stop by over there to see what's up and see if there's any new cures ;). I have a short thread somewhere on there too. Ya, I noticed the patterns, I just didn't want to admit it. It scares me to realize I'm so far from this being over. And that's only if W decides to stick around to keep working on it.
It's been awhile since I've seen you here on my thread. I remember you posting to me last year, in the very beginning. Thank you for stopping back in. I haven't check in on yours since that time. I hope things have gone as you had wanted.
BeingMe, Thank you for support. I know you've been having rough go of it lately. I've been reading your post, just haven't posted to you. Your perseverance has been incredible. I wish your H could understand what he's not giving you, much like my W. I only hope that I'm not behaving the same towards W, or even perceived in her eyes. I hope you're able to find the strength to stick it out, but I also know it can be very tiring.
<<<JOURNALING>>>>
Nothing new on homefront. W still avoiding setting a time to sit down and discuss. Last night actually very tense around house. W very impatient and corse w/ Ss and myself last night. Was biting everyones heads off, S8 can do no right, S3 more of nuisance. If I try to defend Ss, it only escalates. I just have to try to come in afterwards and console and explain. Sometimes I wish I could have a video recorder to show W what she's like. I still don't think she'd accept it. But the way W treats Ss sometimes is almost enough to say it's not worth trying to work things out. Lessor of 2 evils. D for ever vs. the timeframe they have to indur all of this. Very sad. This morning just very distant and "formal". I had a bad dream lastnight that W told me she new I was tring to stall and work towards saving M. Told me that in no uncertain terms she would not stay. Didn't really help PMA to wake up w/ that in my head. Will see what today brings. I not expecting any type of contact from W. That ceased a long time ago. She'll no longer call @ work and the only comm is re: the boys or confirming plans for the boys. I'll still send e-mail w/ just the "hi, how ya doing, hope days goes well" kinda stuff, but never any meaningful reply anymore. She's too busy.
Finally had a moment to read through your e-mail letter & re-read it a second time.
It was well thought out & written. Has W even hinted to it at all? How is S8 holding up? Did W move to basement? How are you doing today?
Just like BeingMe, I too feel like a chicken w/my head cut off too, AND we are the grounded ones!!!!
There were SOOO many comments in your letter to W that I could relate to w/you as an LBS. I believe you mentioning communication is the key. The challenge is "if" the MLcer wants to learn how to effectively communicate or not.
Wish I had that magic wand that works.....
Sending you positive thoughts today!
MariS
"Going for the Gold & not the Booby prize"
Become the change you want to see.....
Me - 37 WAH - 35 child - 2yrs Separated - August '06 Married - 10yrs, Together 18 Not feeling WAH's internal struggle - Feb '08
MariS, W has only acknowledge letter to the point, when I asked her if she were still willing to sit down and talk, she threw several of the written points back in my face. I guess I understand her POV for me writing the letter. I should kind of expect it. S8 holding up as best as can be expected. He doesn't know of the pending D sitch, but he's holding up as far as W/M constantly changing her attitude and being very distant and cold to him. He's become very sensative again, to everything that's said. He's always afraid he's done something wrong and is apologizing. All I can do is try to come behind and console.
W hasn't moved downstairs, as of yet. I don't know if it's b/c she's having second thoughts or trying to do it w/o me around. I've got a business trip coming up. I have a feeling she'll use that time to start packing stuff up again, taking all her stuff to storage and deposit boxes.
I've had lots of contact w/ mutual f over the last week. Mainly just e-mails. W has been very distant and not very open to their support. They're not trying to take sides, but she thinks they are. They're just trying to be there for both of us and the boys. They've known W for 16 yrs and me for 20. Some are even Ss godparents.
I am not crazy, I cut myself in college shortly after mom died and one time shortly after dad died. Much of what Bob has told you is out of context regarding my childhood - My father only was distant, controlling and critical, in his attempt to make me as strong as my mother who grew up in a truly abusive household. He and I resolved those issues when I was in grad school. My brothers and I have also resolved the issues that we had as kids with the teasing. What Bob does not tell you is his father is very controlling to this day and will not relinquish control of the family company, hamstringing Bob in his efforts to get the business to survive. His mom enables his dad's self centered behavior, and has her 2 grown children dependent upon her -so much stress that she had an ischemic stroke before Easter. Bob works with his mom,dad,sis, bro in law. Bad karma in that office. My self esteem problems are a work in progress, my religious issues started long before my father's death, Bob has never been a religious person, long bagging on the Catholic Church in front of my family and myself; telling me that I should not force oldest child to go to Church if he hates it - which he did. I believe I did everything I could to accomodate Bob's moods throughout our life together and that he became accustomed to me doing, "it all." Especially when I was part time after John and he stated that I needed to go back full time for us to afford the life he wanted us to have. Same with 2nd son. Yes I had post partum deprssion after 1st son, not after 2nd, yes I had and maybe still have many resentments regarding Bob and all that happened during the strike at his company - basically being a single mom for those 6 months or so - but he did not come back to being there for me after that, not until all this happened, and even then resentfully so. Not until I expressed that I no longer felt he was my friend, nor a loving husband. I felt like an employee. I realize that all y'all will root fot RGM because you don't know me from Adam, but I am not crazy, I may be having a little midlife crisis, I may be in pre-menopause - I am seeing my gyn about several things going on with my body. I have communicated things/feelings/my junk to him -I have not felt that it ever was understood or completely heard, as he would pick apart my comments/feelings/arguements about nearly everything and wouldquote the wall street journal as to why I should not be interested in topics - ie natural health issues, organic food and gardening. The list goes on and on of the things that he felt were inappropriate interests and priorities for me. The bill thing, being late - he was late after he took the bills back over. Me being late, partly related to him making me late. Partly related to having 2 small kids - if you have kids, you know what happens when you give them the 30 min warning/15 min warning, 5 min warning, actually trying to get them into the car at the scheduled time. I have not had an affair or whatever all those abbreviations are. I felt a need to justify myself to people I do not even know, though I know it will probably be written off as the rantings of someone in a midlife crisis. Just because my growth has upset his apple cart does not mean that my growth is wrong. He is just as moody as I am, and is on anti depressants due to insomnia for the last 10-15 years. Plus his intolerable work situation. I admire him for tolerating what no-one should put up with - near constant problems, being undermined by more than one family member on a daily basis, watching employees you trusted spit on the company thqat has provided for them for more than 5-10-20 years. He is the one who is depressed. I am only depressed when I am with him, when he pulls the boss stuff on all of us at home, when he picks apart my son's soccer performance and tells him that he didn't work hard enough and that he had better start playing more or he would pull son from the team. Our relationship is unhealthy, and I still believe that if we both work at it, the kids will come through eventually. Everyone's screwed up in some fashionor another, no family is immune from dysfunction. I have tried with all my effort, but as it has not returned me to the role and position I was in before, the doting self sacrificing mom and nympho-pornqueen wife that he wanted - it seems a moot point.
Everyone, Meet Mrs. RGM (Probably more apprropriately STBX-MRSRGM)
We got into an argument last night and I blurted out about the BB and my journal. Told her if she didn't think what I'd been saying & doing for the last year was an honest effort to read things for herself. W spent the night reading my threads and your posts to me. She may have even done some lurking of her own. I do realize this was not the smartest thing I've ever done. Unfortunately, the only thing she seemed to get out of it is she believes I consider her a "nutjob", as she so eloquently put it.
Needless to say, the damagae is done and most likely all but unrepairable. You are welcome to post to her if you'd like. I have no idea if she will be back on the BB again. If I see any posts directed to her, I will let her know.
So, I would say things have propably, more like definitely come to a close here. The only thing left to do is continue to work on me and help the boys.
RGM ~ As you posted to me earlier, you know I am a former WAW/MLCer. You asked my opinion but I have a question for you after reading your wife's post.
Have you ever honestly turned the mirror around and looked at yourself?
Having been here this long, you have surely had time for introspection but it seems any insight you may have gained and/or changes you might have made is/are not being conveyed well to your wife.
Sorry if you have done this and you and regular posters to you have a different perception than I do. I do not mean to offend you.
I will say this though: If you spend your whole time here discovering and fighting her demons, what do you suppose yours are up to?
Again, if you have truly walked this part of the journey, I apologize.
???? I feel caught up in a whirlpool. 