Bizarre Behavior?

[tpaschal]

Hi. Don't want to have to be here, but hope you guys have some insights for me.

My hubby and I met at 18 in college, married at 21, and were each other's first and only sexual partner until four months ago. He is a successful physician, and we have 3 kids---13, 8, and 4.

His father had a history of serial affairs, and his parents even separated for one year when my H and his brother were in their 20's, but they eventually reconciled and now have a good relationship. My H always said that he would never do to me and the kids what his father did, and even when we would fight or argue, he always said, "Divorce is not an option." He even told it to the kids.

3 days before Christmas (on our 17th anniv.) he told me he didn't love me anymore and was thinking of leaving. Denied there was anyone else. A lie, of course. Turns out he's having a mid-life crisis (though he doesn't want to characterize it that way) and an affair with a 21 yr. old wh*** who worked in his office. (She doesn't work there anymore, & all the other doctors and employees now hate her and completely disapprove of what he's doing.)

Even after he told me the truth and was being completely horrible (every mean thing in the DR section on "How to Survive His Mid-Life Crisis" about blaming everything on the wife, he's done) we still had an active sex life and even went to parties together and on a long weekend trip to visit some friends.

He moved out 9 weeks ago and got an apt. w/ a 6 mnth. lease, but has not filed for divorce or even seen an attorney as far as I can tell. He says the OW is not living with him (she still lives with her mommy) but I know they're together all the time.

We always had a joint bank account, and even though he's opened his own, separate account now, he still brings me his paychecks to deposit to the joint account. Our tax refund was deposited directly to our account, and he's told me about a huge investment return we're getting in a couple of weeks and even talked about what to do with it---what bills to pay off, etc.

He's made no move to take us off his insurance, or to take me off as beneficiary of his life insurance, or to change his will or anything like that. When he gets dental work or anything like that done, he still gives our home address, not his apt.

He has not been very good about seeing the kids, almost like he wishes he could erase them as well as me, but some tiny seed of love or maybe just obligation won't quite let him. He has not taken them to his apt. or had them be around the OW at all. He doesn't ever talk about her, even though all 3 of the kids know what is going on.

Sometimes when he comes to see them he distant and remote and seems to want to leave as quickly as possible, and has on occasion been unkind to them, but other times he's upbeat and playful with them. We occasionally still do things together as a whole family---out to dinner for the 13 yr. old's b-day, Easter lunch, out to visit our horse in the country. He comes over & drives my car like it's a normal family outing.

Family has always been extremely important to him, and when my in-laws and I got into the typical in-law struggles, he would support me but always encouraged me to not take it too seriously---to keep the whole extended family intact and together and happy. His parents retired here 4 years ago at his urging, and have been a large part of our lives. They now are extremely disappointed in him and are not speaking to him. He's upset that they are supportive of me rather than him, and he's not speaking to them, either.

This past week he's mentioned divorce twice, the only time it's come up since he moved out. His mom was reading the DR book, but when he drove up unexpectedly she left immediately and left the book laying on the couch. He saw it, and said, "We are getting a divorce." I shook my head and said no. He said, "So what, you're just not going to do it? Not going to sign it?" I told him I thought there was still something here worth saving. He saw another book laying out that another doctor had loaned me, and exasperatedly asked, "So who doesn't know by now??" Then as he left to take our son to baseball, he asked me if I wanted a pizza left over from lunch at the office. So from divorce!, to embarrassment? about others knowing our situation, to do you want some pizza in the span of about 15 minutes.

The subject came up again a few days later when on a family outing to see the horse, he asked "So who gets the horse in the divorce?" I said, "That's not funny. You know we all still care about you and want you to come home," then walked away. On the way home he was very inquisitive about a lot of things the kids and I have been doing and asked about friends he knew we had visited, and even asked about my family, who he has never really liked or connected with.

His dad thinks these are actually all positive things, and thinks the word divorce wouldn't have come up if he hadn't seen the book. He says he promised every OW he ever had that he would divorce his wife and marry her, but he never meant it. His parents are convinced that he will eventually come back. I'm clinging to that hope while at the same time trying to get on with life as best I can for me and the kids.

So, my question is, what's going on? I am trying to be strong for myself and my kids, trying to follow the advice in DR and am using most of the points in the TLR technique, but I don't know what to think. Would love some advice from others who have been through this or are currently going through this.