Hapinees, is it even possible part II

[Crazy Eddie]

I understand what you are saying. From my position as HD male I believe that what I must do is:

1) Make myself more attractive
2) Make myself strong and confident.
3) Stop doing all the love busters.

Yes. There is no reason for you not to do these things. Whether or not your wife changes her behaviors, you doing these things will pay off for YOU one way or another.

This empowers ME. It empowers me over what I can control which is my own life. My wife controls her life. But what about the relationship, it just seems that the wwomen essentially holds 95% of the cards, there is nothing that I can change in my relationship that does not require her to change something first.

Not true. There is no requirement that she change anything FIRST. Either of you could go first. Since you want to fix things NOW and she would just as soon live with it for a while, your best bet is for YOU to go first.

But there is a need for BOTH of you to change. That means that, in effect, you BOTH hold 95% of the cards. Either of you, by refusing to change, can leave the other unhappy and leave the relationship in shambles.

But changing yourself will get her attention and will possibly encourage (not force) her to change. If not, it'll still pay off in other areas of your life.

You can't lose. There's no reason in the world not to do it.

I guess this is why Deida and Eldridge both say that the relationship is determined by the women, and thus redirect the man to focus exclusively on himself. This does not seem like a 50/50 split on the power of the relationship, more like 90/10. Is this really the best us guys can hope for?

The relationship is determined by what each of you brings to the table, and your best bet for changing that is to work on yourself so you can bring something different to the table.