Do you think I could get wife to pay for it in any future settlement. It could be part of the support/maintenence that she pays ME. Wife is already fair, with blond hair blue eyes, I think I will look for a nanny who is more exotic.
I know what you mean about no time, but my girls have stepped up to the plate and have taken on more responsibility for watching S6, as well as more household chores. Now D12 is going out in the woods before school and picking wildflowers for the kitchen table. D14 has taken over a good chunk of the laundry, HER'S. Time will be even tighter next year, D14 tried out for HS cheerleading, and made both basketball and football squads.(1 of only 3 freshmen to make any squad!!!) D12 tries out for MS cheer in 2 weeks, but only basketball. S6 will start peewee football next year and still wants to play soccer as well.
The kids are masterful DBers, When mom calls, they are very cheerful and interested, but only talk to her for a few min and as the convo lags they say OK, love ya, here's the next kid. S6 is usually last to talk and he has never been a big fan of the telephone, so he just says Hi, tells her about whatever he is doing at the moment and then tells her good bye, kiss kiss. How that doesn't kill her I will never understand. I have kept to the same routine, very few words, but very cheerful and ask after her day, but don't come up with additional things to talk about, if there is a pause, I quickly say let me get the kids for you. She does not ask to talk to me when she is done with the kids.
Wel I have to go pick one up from the track meet. Back in awhile.
81388 Me 43, waw 44, 3 kids(D15,D12,S6)Married 19yr, together 27yr. Bomb 11/27/06, Separated 3/1/07 Divorce filed 4/18/07,
"Because it is in giving that we receive; In forgiving that we obtain forgiveness; In dying that we rise to eternal life" St. Francis
Most of the meet was canceled dt lightning. Only ran 100m and did not do so well, blocks slipped as she started. She was disappointed because it is a brand new conferance this year, and every first place time is a conf. record at that meet-at least for a year. She also runs the 400, 4X100 and 4X400 and pole vaults.
All three kids seem to be dealing with the circumstances better then expected. S6 has been "distracted" at school, teacher goes to the same church as us and is aware of the situation and assures me it is OK.
D12's artwork went through a "dark" period, but has for the most part returned to normal. She has been finding ways to spend more time alone, walking in the woods, visiting with and riding her horse, bathing the dogs, but also has showed increased interest in getting into town and visiting with her friends. Spent the afternoon in the city park with friends on Sunday. She told me tonight that BF broke up with her, well had his friend tell her he was breaking up with her. I thought it would be traumatic (first boyfriend), but when I asked her, she smiled and said "I'm fine, his loss not mine!" Before I could stop myself, I called him a "chickensh!t 6th grade boy who would figure out pretty quick what he just gave up." She looked at me for awhile then just laughed and said "thanks Dad, I really needed that." Now if I could just convince my chickensh!t 6th grade wife.
D14 continues to deal with it by not dealing with it. Surrounds herself with her friends and spends as much time as allowed at GF's house. (next door-or at least next house over, it is quite a sight to see her climbing over the field fencing with a flashlight held in her teeth as she is returning home after a visit.) She seems so mature, I don't remember being that way in 8th grade. Her goal this year was to become friends with every single person in her grade, I am not sure, there are couple of goth chicks she hasn't quite cracked yet, but she is darn close.
All three kids remain involved in church, Ds have youth group trip this weekend. Wife continues to help keep them involved, drops them off at church before sunday school on the weekends she has them, then I drop them off at her place after service. We both continue to correct them when they say OMGod, or forget yes sir/mam, she continues to try to be a parent, but the share lack of time makes that difficult. I do thank/compliment her when she is here and trying.
Thanks for the ramble to anyone still reading, just needed to reassure myself that we are all doing fine.
81388 Me 43, waw 44, 3 kids(D15,D12,S6)Married 19yr, together 27yr. Bomb 11/27/06, Separated 3/1/07 Divorce filed 4/18/07,
"Because it is in giving that we receive; In forgiving that we obtain forgiveness; In dying that we rise to eternal life" St. Francis
I found an elderly prayer warrior in church the other day. She told me, "You are obeying the Lord. He will bless you."
8, I can say is that God is pleased with you. He will bless you. Your kids have good heads on their shoulders and your church is a gift to them.
The only thing I think you might want to work on -- and it's something I need to work on too -- is the self-righteousness. We are being hurt badly and we tend to be good at the self-pity. "Look at me, I'm being hurt, yet I'm being faithful, etc." The flip side of it is self-righteousness. Our spouses can smell it a mile away. That smug, "If only YOU would snap out of it" posture. We all need the encouagment of this board and we all feel that our spouses are in a fog of sorts. BUT...I think it should also be clear to us that Jesus was not shocked at people's sins and could enter with compassion and forgiveness into any situation. The trick is how do we remain non-judgmental and compassionate when we feel that our spouses are hurting us, hurting our children, being selfish and, to use the old biblical language, "sinning against heaven and against us"? Good question. I'm working on it. It's real hard.
"The trick is how do we remain non-judgmental and compassionate when we feel that our spouses are hurting us, hurting our children, being selfish and, to use the old biblical language, "sinning against heaven and against us"? "
That IS a good question Theoden. I agree that we have to work on not being self-righteous. My H has made comments about that. Sometimes I honestly think it would make him feel better if I went out and really 'screwed up'. I try to refrain from projecting any kind of judgement to him, but the things he's done? I would NEVER do. I couldn't live with myself.
I think as long as we're trying, seeking for that charity and compassion, we'll be blessed with what we need. It's a fine line. Someone said to me recently: It's one thing to be forgiving and accepting, but it's quite another to condone BS. And it IS hard!
8--you are amazing. What a blessing you are for your children.
Aud, You bring up a great point that I have been thinkng about alot lately....
Quote:
It's one thing to be forgiving and accepting, but it's quite another to condone BS. And it IS hard!
My question I keep asking myself is how can I forgive and accept when she continues to do hurtful things? I mean I really want to forgive her but it is really hard to continue to forgive someone that continually does things they know are hurtful.
It seems to me that you can not forgive someone that does not stop the hurtful acts that they are continuing to do. If they stopped then it would be a lot easier to forgive and accept. Until that time I just turn my head and choose to let it just roll off of my back...
Ben 32 STBXW 29 3 kids (D1,S4,SD8) (1 dog 5months) Status: Fighting for the Kids.
"The only thing we know about future developments is that they will develope."
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
how can I forgive and accept when she continues to do hurtful things?
This is a big one, and something I think we all ultimately have to wrap our heads around. I don't know how y'all process this, but for me, it has been a journey to here and now. I've thought a lot about this recently too.
In our C session this week, H mentioned that for the last several years, he just hasn't cared at all about me or being with me. While that does ache, I can listen to him say it without a stab to my heart, because I've already forgiven him for it. I don't have to carry the unbearable pain around with me anymore.
I didn't post about this anywhere, but I pulled a 'no-no' and flew out to follow H during his last work trip. Followed him to OW's condo and then followed them to a mall, I'm in a car behind him as he's on the phone with me telling me he's doing something entirely different. The wierd thing about it was, he was doing something very hurtful to me, and I was able to let it slide off my back because it was part of the whole ball of wax I've already forgiven him for. It certainly gave me the strength I needed to make my stand with him.
Anyway, my point is that true forgiveness is an ongoing thing...in my mind when I was able to let go of what he 'was' doing, it included anything he may 'still' be doing. I'm not going to waste my energy feeling vengeful and angry at his actions, past, present or future.
Fine line here, as I don't see my act of forgiveness requiring me to allow him to abuse my trust.
And, it hasn't been all me. Forgiveness is a blessing. I'm grateful for it.
THAT IS the question. How to forgive ongoing poop? And for me anyway, how to forgive behavior I cannot understand....
In my sitch, the "ongoing" nature of being apart will resolve as my d9 and I move THERE to be with H...(( we can argue a decade about that choice, but I THINK it's what is best for d9 and that counts for something, plus H is making efforts in his own way...I digress)).
I pray to God that He will "help me forgive H, to have an open heart and mind, to let me know HIS will in all this, and to give me the strength to follow it." I think it is all we can do. We cannot/will not become one of those people you meet, who tells you within the first 15 minutes of Knowing them, that their H/W left them..." They are life long victims and they are too bitter. Simply put, we, the LBSers, have to do better than that. We are modelling for our children, so many things. Oh, btw, yes it is ironic that YOU are going to the class about kids and divorce impact, but since you are anyhow, you may want to read "The Case Against Divorce" b/c it talks about the older kids, usually daughters, who try to "rescue" the LBSer.
My d18 did that, and I had to work to make sure SHE had fun and friends and a life of her own. I had to show her it was not her responsibility to "make" me happy. Hope this helps, I'm sending you prayers.... but wanting to send your wife a few slaps to knock some sense into her... jk.
j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
It could be part of the support/maintenence that she pays ME. Wife is already fair, with blond hair blue eyes, I think I will look for a nanny who is more exotic.