Thanks C_L. In all honesty, I stopped posting or even lurking when things started to slip, (more like avalanche), backwards. I felt like such a fraud. The R was going so well I thought. I was doing really well, very positive, making tons of changes and all of them were real! It was awesome. At first it was a lot of mental muscle, then the changes were just me and it felt great. I didn't even have to think about it. My mistake was in jumping in with both feet as if nothing had ever happened and everything was just fine. She has said this numerous times, that I was fine, (at least acting like it), but she wasn't. She still had the same lack of feelings for me, still resented me and all those things. I just wanted to get on with life, for her it wasn't that easy.
Long story short, rather than proceed with caution as recommended in DR, I charged forward. This scared her off again. When I saw things crumbling and the bombs started dropping again I couldn't even read through my old posts, they felt so empty.
Then I talked to Chuck and realized this board does help keep my grounded. There is a lot of great wisdom and experience here. Reading how others have been at this longer than I have and are dealing with situations tougher than mine helps me stay resolved. Because no matter how much I know it would hurt and cause harm to everyone involved..., there are days I want to go home, put a 4 Sale sign in the front yard, pack a bag and walk out. I really do reach a state where I don't care if I ever see any of them again. Screw it. Particularly when she says things like, "let me get a job and get things ready", or "we need to plan this out so we can do this right". I really have to bite my tongue because I want to tell her to shove that up her a**. How about this, you wanted it, you got it, now figure it out because its no longer my problem.
Then I read through here and realize, it could be worse even though it doesn't feel like it could get any worse I know better and I need to act like it. Even better, I can read where folks had it even worse and are not putting together a great R, not just rebuilding but truly starting anew with their spouse.
