Preparing for the end game, maybe.

[LoginName]

Thanks UA, I appreciate it. I'm glad that some of the negative vibes I thought I saw weren't so negative. I'm pretty sure I read that you and your H have been 'getting close' or some other expression for ML. (yes, maybe?). I think you probably left out a lot of detail, but that's OK.

yea, that being hopeful without expectations thing. That's tricky.

My sitch leaves you speechless? Uh Oh! I think I've still got a good chance. I think that since she isn't asking for a divorce, and neither am I, there is a chance.

Often before, when I was leaving for work, I'd touch her face, kiss her gently, and say I love you. And I meant it. I love her now. I want to show her I love her (of course, that's just what I'm doing now, by giving her space and not saying I love you). But it hurts not to show my affection.

Well, I'm at work, and people are starting to talk to me, so I guess I should get to it.

Thanks again UA. Your spirit comes through, even through the internet, and brightens my day. Your H is a lucky man.

[*KS*Chick*]

I probably should not have said anything. I'll be honest - maybe some of my appreciation for family, etc. has stemmed from this separation and what I still may lose....but I can't imagine choosing a job over keeping my family together. I'm praying ya'll can make it work. Better start sayin' ya'll a lot more

[LoginName]

LOL, I lived in Georgia for a while. I learned to call all pop "coke" and to say "y'all". I think it's a great word. I love a good southern breakfast too.

My mom thinks my W is being very selfish choosing a job over family. I can see her's and your point. But what can I do? I see she needs this. I think if we were totally happily in love, we probably would face the same delima. If we were totally in love and the M was strong, we might all move down there. My W followed me in the Navy from place to place. I could follow her. the kids are best served, IMHO, by having 2 parents in a good R. Changing schools can be hard, but they'd survive. So, now, I still have a chance to keep my family (long distance for a while), support my W, and my S gets to stay in the HS he likes. It could be worse.

My question is, why doesn't she just say she loves me and then we can get to the real work of making the M/R better? I've got some ideas. She is afraid of losing herself again. She is angry at me (although I doubt she'd admit it) for my A, for the quilt and sense of being trapped and unloved over the years (even is some or most was just her perception), maybe because she still loves the OM better than me (bad thinking, not constructive, but it pops into my head. My guess is that your H will have that thought pop into his head occasionally. If he is smart, he'll immediately stop that kind of thinking and realize you chose him - and that he is worthy regardless of your choice).

I think she really wants the chance to try things on her own for a while too. I just hope the 'for a while' part doesnt' last too long.

thanks UA, I hope y'all can make it work too.

[*KS*Chick*]

Thanks LiN

[LoginName]

a little journaling. I think if I get some of this out of my system, I'll be able to concentrate on work and other aspects of life.

I feel I shouldn't complain. My sitch is going in a positive direction. I see little positive signs. Baby steps, right. But Since my W will be moving away fairly soon, I despair sometimes that the distance will kill any chance we may have. I think the fear is unfounded, or at least over blown, but it affects me.

This morning she touched my shoulder as she went past me. It's so hard not to jump up and make a big deal of it and thank her and then push for more; more commitment, more touch, more love. But I know I have to be cool.

My W is under a lot of stress. The R is only part of it. She is finishing her PhD - I'm thinking more and more that this contributed to the bomb - she is starting a new job, moving to a new state, buying and selling a house, tearing the family apart, worrying about kids, and she does have this pesky marriage thing to worry about too. I've told her that she needs to focus on finishing her PhD, starting her job, and the move, and the kids. We, the M\R, can come later. I hate that, but feel it's the best path. She needs to feel safe, under control, and unpressured before she can turn toward me.

She broke down a couple of days ago, thinking that she couldn't finish the PhD, that she's not smart enough, that she's ruined everything. She asked me for a hug!!! She cried on my shoulder. I listened, validated, and then supported and built her up. I TMed her the next day with encouragement.

I'm being, and have been, very supportive, and I'm doing it because it's the right thing to do, because it doesn't hurt me (much), because I love her unconditionally, because if we were divorcing, I would probably be doing this anyway - so it's by my choice. I can't feel resentment, or even boastful pride, if I'm doing by choice and for me. I'm asking myself constantly, Is this what I want to do? Why do I want to do it? If the answer is I'm doing it to win her back, or to prove how good I am, than I shouldn't do it. If I'm doing it to get even, I shouldn't do it. I'm trying to make sure I'm doing it because I want to, because I think it is right.

Meanwhile, I still occasionally flash on thoughts of the OM. The pattern I see is that I am wishing and wanting my M to work, my W to start moving closer (faster?). I think I try to think of the reasons why she isn't falling in love with me, and then the OM pops into my mind. I wonder if I will overcome those feelings on my own in time. If she says she loves me, how will I feel about the OM? Do I need or want her to talk to me about him someday? Only if she tells me how messed up he is

I think I am almost peicing, but I think it's still MLC (mild compared to most here) too. My W is still thinking of herself mostly.

Well, this has been working. Just starting made me able to concentrate on my job - which means I'm not focusing on making sure I write anything good. Oh well. They pay me. No one at DB does. Enough for now. Good luck