As far as I know and feel, there is no OW in my sitch. Now he had some highly questionable text messages and the stupid girl sent him a card which obviously meant there was nothing going on, but she would like to, she was completely putting herself out there. Since I confronted him about all that and screamed and fussed that contact stopped. I know from a few people that they hardly talk at work even. I asked him about it and he said she stopped texting and calling his cell.
He thinks I overreacted, but he can also sympathsize with why I was upset. He also told me he did not understand why I let her get to me and he does not know what to do to show me he would not do anything like that again. (He cheated before we got married and we were apart for about a year.)I think whatever that garbage was with that girl, its over now. I do not sense that there is someone else. I think right now he is dealing with his own demons and stress. Things from his past are resurfacing that he surpressed for years. I was not giving him the space he needed to deal with these issues.
I think he is currently making a point not to touch me sexually. We were last intimate earlier this week. It is frustrating, but he has been working nonstop too. So I have to leave it to God.
I do not know what to tell you about the ML department. On one hand I know it is considered bad to deny your H because he is YOUR H not the OW's. On the other hand, there are STDs out and about that did not exist during biblical times. I also think maybe if you blow his mind really really good, he will be smitten in lust with you and not even think of the OW. (Ok I was being bad ) Do you know for sure he is intimate with OW? I know that even Michele writes that we should take every oppurtunity to be close with our S.
I would not know what to do either. I would be really really upset. Even when my H was cheating before we got married. He was only intimate with the OW about 3 times, I know this because the OW and I talked and confronted him together. She thought he had a low drive. SHe told me that they would be together and he would just go to sleep, and not do anything with her at all. It was so opposite of the man I knew. My H was very high drive at the time. We were always ML. So that whole thing was odd.
I want to add. That I think my behavior of accusing him about that girl is bad. My SIL told me that when she talks to him about a female friend from the past, he does not want to know anything about it. He cuts her off and will not let her tell him anything females he once knew, even if they were just friends. All along I was thinking he did not care, but I am getting more and more messages that he cares a lot that I trust him. I never got over the A before we were married like I should have so this is where I am at today. I need to change before he gives up all together.
Heartscared, Well, it looks we had one good day so far this week and H had me fooled thinking he wasn't going to stay overnight, but he finally did last night, UGH!! You see, it seems like when I am nice he responds well at that actual moment in time, but then the next day he retreats!! It's weird how I just had that feeling last night that he wasn't coming home. Now I am noticing a pattern of the weekdays he will stay out.
A part of me just wants him to stay and move in w her so hopefully this process will move forward faster. I can hardly wait for the OW to start seeing my H's bipolar side, if she hasn't already. So, I wait....
I seem to sleep better when he is not at home than when he is sleeping in the other room down the hall.
As usual I am stuck trying to get our A/C fixed b/c since he doesn't sleep at out house I guess he figures it isn't his promblem. i eamiled him this morning that if I can get the A/C guy to come down in price, I will have him look at it today. Now for some reason he wants to know when he will be there so H can be there too. Lord knows I don't have the money, but me and the girls need the air. We live in Florida for crying out loud!!!
My cooler is not working either. It keeps tripping the circuit breaker. Its hot here too. West Texas. AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! Thank goodness the nights are still cool. But the days are warming up more and more. I need someone to come out to fix mine as well.
You just keep being consistent on your side no matter what. I think consistentancy is key when dealing with our S. They need to know they can rely on us being level because they obviously are not. The changes you make within yourself need to be long lasting. I know my H thinks that I will never change anything, I will always be the same in regards to the things I did that made him crazy. I have to make sure I sincerely make these changes in how I deal with my H permanent.
Once they feel safe with our changes and the changes in how we deal with our relationship issues. Once we are able to work through issues with mutual respect and hopefully once they are through with their own personal struggles or MLC. Then I think they will feel safe again. Hopefully sooner than that you H will be rid of that OW.
I just don't know what are the changes that I need to do or what he needs from other than the obvious (changes in me and how I react or not react to his temper). H will not open up to me whatsoever. He only recently started to tell me how good he's been doing at work.
I gather your H has told yuo what he needs from you. That is great. I thinkk this is how the OW has an advantage over me b/c she hears all of his complaints and then makes sure she doesn't do them. I know that he seems a lot calmer since I avoid arguments or try my best to ignore it when he pushes my buttons.
You know my H has told me for years literally, but I just did not listen the way I should have. That is why I am in this state right now. Along with that he has all these repressed feelings building up.
You have to really think about it. Is there anything he complained about that you just ignored because you thought he was trying to be difficult? There are things my husband has said to me that I sort of brushed off but now I see he needed me to hear him. I figured one out from reading the five languages of love. My H every now and then would tell me that other people would tell him nice things but not me. This is not something he mentioned recently but when I read that book, I remembered. I realized that he needed words of affirmation from his wife. I have been trying to work on that one. I do almost all the others, but I have a hard time with that one. I thought he knew how I felt. I tried writing him a letter but boy does that burn him up. He wants to hear it.
I see you mentioned the fighting. That is good, you are changing how you react to him. That is a start. So keep that up.
Right now the main thing my H wants from me is space and trust. I am to leave him alone and trust him. So I have. It sucks though. I miss him and we live in the same house. I have to stick to my guns though and leave him in peace or else he is not going to see the changes as true.
WHY?WHY? That is all I can ask myself why did I give in to him??? H stayed out all day and overnight again this past Saturday and Sunday our middle child who is the closest one to him was really missing him. Our aquarium that has no fishes was noted by the girls that the water was looking weird or moldy? So, I texted him in a way he may have not understood what I was talking about : Your science project has become mold and needs to be attended to.? Well, as usual no response, but later in the day out daughter(minnie me at times in the way she thinks) wanted to call daddy and let him know he needed to clean it out. It's funny b/c when H arrives home after staying out all night SHE (7yrs) starts to question him about his whereabouts!! This is something I don't do and haven't done in a long time anymore. I dialed his cell and told her she would have to leave a message and she told him about the aquarium and she also asked when he was coming home (mind you that Friday night she had already asked him if he was going to stay w/ us on Saturday and of course he lied). H later told me that he wanted to stay and spend time w/ the kids since he will be gone on a business trip the following weekend. I reminded him of his last MAJOR croos of the line a few weekends ago when he took the girls for a sleep over at OW's and that I had told him that the following next two weekends they were to be w/ me. Oddly enough he did stay that Friday night, but left early in the morning. I think he originally meant that about staying and wanting to spend time w/ them, but I did not want to back down and let him think my boundaries do not mean anything. This may be the reason why? he did not return?
Anyways.. WHen he came abck alte Sunday...strangely enough I felt good like if I had missed him, but all the while he was gone I did not feel a thing??????? Maybe my feeling "numb" is dieing out??? GOd I hope not b/c I have been detaching SOOOO good! At least, I thought ..until...... Monday morning when I was still very much asleep and H came over and laid on top of me ( i was face down), I could tell he was ecxited, but I was still not feeling anything.....then why did I follow thru?????? UGH granted it had been like a couple fo months,but thats why I had asxked God to take away all my desires (which He had and I was maintaining well)!!! later in the day I felt awful about itlike I slid back big time, I felt like H was only "testing" me or the enemy was especially after I had told H the reason why I was not having sex w/ him. Can somoene enlighten me please??? After that H was in a very, very good mood, so I was confused..now I must detach, I know detach.
Normally on Tuesday nights H stays at OWs', but last night H came home in a bad mood and I figured they had a fall out so I stayed w/ a positive attitude and did not let him get to me like he wanted too. H was very tired that night b/c he had to fix the closet shelf that had fallen and broken so that did not help his spirits. H told me that OW was not very happy w/ him today b/c she wanted him to come over ,but he did not want to. I asked why and he said b/c he likes it here (at our home)??? I had wonderd since he was looking a bit comfortable again @ home. Believe nothing you hear?Yeah right..H also had to be home not only to fix the closet (which I did not push to be done),but H had to start packing for his trip, which he did last night. ANYWHO.....
I messed up again this morning, i guess I wanted confirmation on his "testing me" the other morning, by HURTING myself onesmore and going to his bedroom and trying to sedutuctively to tell him to go to ur bedroom,but to no avail!!! H said no and know he was tried form fixing the closet until midnight, but OH WELL..
OH! One more thing I emailed him this morning the following:
WARNING! THIS IS LONG!! THANKS FOR READING AHEAD OF TIME!! <no need to reply> Please note this is not intended to you upset. Proverbs 6:32 & 33 But a man who commits adultery, lacks judgement; whosoever does so destroys himself. Blows and disgrace are his lot, and his shame will never be wiped away.
Keep in mind when you cheat, you are cheating those you profess to love. You are cheating your spouse of the partner they deserve. You are cheating you children of the parent they deserve..someone who lives with respect, honor and integrity. You are cheating your mother (father was and is aslo a multiple adulterer and alcholic) of the time and energy she spent attempting to form you into a descent person.
Remember when you cheat, you are cheating yourself. You are cheating yourself of the right to see your relationship mature and grow with a loving spouse. Cheating yourself of the right to have your children look at you with respect.
I cant go on like this anymore. I have asked God by opeing my mind to understand if this is the time to let you go. I don't know if this is why I am feeling "numb" or if this is the way God is preparing me to move on w/ out you. I think the more time passes on God will slowly take away any feelings I have so that the process will be that much easier .
I cannot and will not be in a three-way marriage. I will continue to do my "wifely" duties of cooking,etc. b/c the Bible says I must be the submissive wife and "feed the hungry", BUT that does not mean I will let you walk all over me like a doormat.
Ok Chicki, now remember ahead of time, you asked me to come over and give you some insight.
First things first, what the hell were you thinking with that email? Are you kidding me, your gonna send him this:
Quote:
Proverbs 6:32 & 33 But a man who commits adultery, lacks judgement; whosoever does so destroys himself.Blows and disgrace are his lot, and his shame will never be wiped away.
I have an idea, why don't you send him another email and tell him that he is going to hell, maybe that will make him feel bad enough to stop what he is doing? You are going to push him away with this crap. If the bible was his guide right now he wouldnt be with the OW in the first place. Do you think your H is so stupid that he doesn't know that what he is doing is wrong? He knows, you rubbing it in his face will not help the situation, only make it worse as now you have shown him that you are standing as his judge and jury for his behavior and how can you possibly forgive him when you so obviously believe he is a sinner.
Detachment means leave him the hell alone. This is not justifying his behavior in any way, he's a f^cking pig for what he is doing. You just need to leave him be. You also need to quit texting him, don't call him, don't chase him. Do you want him to come running back to you for all the wrong reasons and have no resolve for what he did to fail you in the first place. This will only provide for a reoccurence of the same events down the road. HE has to realize what went wrong and sdeal with it himself, you cannot fix him.
Second, you tried to have sex with him after already feeling bad about giving in the time before? Then you approached him on a night when he told you he was exhausted and in a bad mood? He told you he didnt want to go to OW, which means he didnt want sex, yet you set yourself up to be hurt by going to him anyway? Chicki what the hell are you doing?
Third, this:
Quote:
I cannot and will not be in a three-way marriage. I will continue to do my "wifely" duties of cooking,etc. b/c the Bible says I must be the submissive wife and "feed the hungry", BUT that does not mean I will let you walk all over me like a doormat.
OK, now let me tell you what this says to me as a man, if I was a cheating husband and my wife said this to me. My Wife says she won't tolerate me sleeping with my girlfriend anymore, but because th ebible tells her so she is still going to cook and clean for me. So now I have my girlfriend who I can F^ck when I need sex, and my wife who will basically be my maid and servant, how lucky am I?
Look Chicki, if you are going to establish boundaries with your H, then you need to stand behind them. If it is unaccpetable for him to be having an affair then tell him no more you until it is over. You are giving him his cake and eat it to lifestyle and he is going to continue with that for as long as you will allow. If he is ever going to give up his R with the OW, then he needs to be out there on his own without you to fall back on. Chicki, this may sound like an odd question, but have you read DR or DB? Seems like you should be seeing that some of yor behaviors are totally against the philosophy that we are supposed to be following here.
I am at work now, and will follow up more later with you, but what I can tell you is that you are giving your H way to muchfreedom on this and not giving him enough to miss right now. You need to change that and show him what his life will be if he chooses to leave his family for this OW.
That e-mail was a bad idea. Quoting scripture and guilting someone isn't the way to success. Doing the guilt trip will just drive him away.
I'm going to give you my opinion on dealing with cheating husbands and you can't take it or leave it since it may not be classic DBing.
If he is with OW, I would kick him to the curb. No coming back to the house, no sex (this guy has been have sex with someone else...possibly some skank with STDs), and no talk to reconciliation. Be done with him and truly honestly feel it. Don't tell him you'll do your wifely duties....tell him to get out and stay out. Ask any LBS guy, even ones that have cheated, how they've responded to that. They've chased after what was no longer available. You are suddenly a challenge. You are unavailable. You are attractive. But you can't be a pushover about this. You want all or nothing from him. Don't give in the first time he starts expressing that "maybe" he wants to be with you. Be unavailable to him entirely until OW is out of the picture and at least until you feel strong enough to make it without him. I've seen too many scenarios where the WAH vaccillates between the wife and the lover...and enjoying keeping them both dangling on a string.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
) Do you know for sure he is intimate with OW? I know that even Michele writes that we should take every oppurtunity to be close with our S.