I agree with what Corri and Nop have said, but I also see two addictions going on, not just one. From what little I know of your sitch, it just feels to me that there is more going on with your H than just an addiction to porn and chasing women. It seems like he has an addiction to the excitement of seeing how far he can go with an affair and then finding a way to work out of it. It seems like a series of grand schemes to manipulate both you and the OW, almost as a test of his cunning over your limits of tolerance.
I think it is an exciting game for him and each time he has to push it a little further to see how much more he can get away with. Maybe this time it will take 3 months to win you over, well..... last time it was only 2 months… he can live with 3..... next time it will be 4 months but who knows what he’s got planned so maybe 4 months will be worth it. He knows he might be reaching your limit, so throw in concessions for counseling, etc..... that will buy him some more leverage.....a quick check of the score.... up to 4 affairs now (that you know of)..... hmmmm..... his goal is what? 5, 6, 7? What kind of plan will he use to bring those about? How much more sophisticated reasoning will he need to come up with to pull off the next affair?
Can you see the pattern here? Not yet? Maybe affair 5 or 6 will make it a little more clear for you, which gets me to the second addiction – you. How much of this “game” is perpetuated by your need to believe someone loves you and will chase after you? What addiction do you have to thinking you are the woman who can change him, that this is your last straw and after this time, things will be different. Sounds a little like just one last drink then no more alcohol, or one more bet to win back those lost monies then no more gambling.....one more, one more, one more..... Do you see this pattern in you?
What does that say about his integrity? What is there to trust in him except the certainty that he will repeat this pattern? What does your continual pattern of hoping for what seems to be the impossible say for your integrity? There is no way for an alcoholic to recover if the spouse continues to enable the addiction. I see you as enabling his continuing affairs. I understand why you do this because there is much to lose, especially for you kids. I understand that there is a balance between taking a little more abuse as recovery finally comes about. But at some point you have to cut your losses and move on. Only then can you stop the continual drain of your emotional sanity as well as that of your kids and begin to build something positive.
I have always taken the position that a marriage can be saved. I think yours might be able to be saved, maybe, but the chances are slim, IMO. The addiction on both your parts must be stopped. That means some tough medicine for both of you. I think BOTH you and your H need to get into serious and deep counseling. There needs to be some strong boundaries, backed up by heavy consequence. Neither of you have the internal discipline to change by yourself. D may be the best way to impose this discipline and stop the cycle. If you can both realize the severity of your addictions and come to impose the self restraint and discipline needed to maintain a marriage, on the foundation of strong personal integrity and self respect, then the marriage might be later reconstructed. Other than that I am at a loss to see how you move forward. I hate to be so pessimistic, but that is what I see. I hope I am wrong.
