But how can I prevent her from selling stuff? Like her engagement ring. I don't know that she's thinking about doing that, but it did occur to me that would be a good way to raise cash if one needed it.
The engagement ring was a gift to her before the marriage, however, I would consider it part of the joint property.
How about expenses during separation. We've got a mortgage and I think she should pay her half. How about utilities. I like heat, A/C, and cable TV. Her moving out isn't my idea. Should I ask her to pay half of all things needed to keep the house running?
If she feels the financial pinch, will that help or hurt?
12_51 wrote: "However, if I say that I won't be her friend right now it might harm the possibilites of her returning after separation. "
Are you going to support her efforts to get away from you? You don't have to say you don't want to be her friend right now, unless she brings up divorce, then I would tell her right out.
You have to do what you think is right. I think any show of support in a separation that YOU do not agree with is a bold faced lie. Personally, I would feel kind of stupid helping someone shoot me because it was good to them.
You may not save your relationship, but you can surely start right now by being honest about it with yourself and your wife.
One last thing for you to gnaw on; You simply can NOT LIVE IN FEAR of your wife's reaction to everything you do or say. She will sense it and it's almost like wearing sewage for cologne, it will gross her out. That much I promise you.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
12_51 - your situation appears similar to mine right now. My wife wants to get together this weekend to discuss "where to go from here and next steps". We've been separated since November. We also have 2 cats and I do not want to seperate them. Not sure what the legal answer is but I'm guessing they would be considered marital property and subject to "splitting". Does anyone else have any insight on this??
Please let me know how it goes with your W - I am not sure what to say to mine (assuming she brings up D talk this weekend). I want to be firm in telling her that I do not agree with divorce, especially as a first option. But I do not want to argue with her either. It's a tough spot we're in because if we argue, we just strengthen their resolve to leave. But if we are doormats, they won't respect us.
Have you talked to your W yet?
M:32 W:26 Kids: None Cats: 2 Together: 9 years Married: May 2005 Bomb: September 2006 Sep: November 2006
It's good that your state has a 1 year waiting period before D. In mine, I have 45 days from the time she files. No requirment to be separated for any period of time.
I talked with my wife last night by phone. That's when she said that she was moving out and that it's permanent.
We're suppose to talk in person tonight. I'm really not sure if I want to.
We were in C up until she left saying that she had really already made up her mind before we ever started C. I'm still going, but she isn't. Our C said that she's been trying to contact the W, but she won't return any calls.
I am really feeling numb. I've never felt this way before. I have been feeling that I must fight to save the marriage. May be I should face the facts and move on, but I really don't want to quit.
Ok, I'm with Nopkins on this. Her statement of "it's too late" now, when really...she has nothing to lose by giving you time indicates to me that there could be someone else in the picture. There may not be, but I'd be willing to bet at the very least there is someone she is interested in who is showing her attention.
Her statements are a bit conflicting too "It's permanent", but "we don't have to get an attorney right away".????
One thing I want to address for you is this statement of yours "But I can't understand why, if I'm willing to change and in counseling, she would give up." She gave up a long time ago...BECAUSE SHE ENDURED TOO MUCH PAIN. Yes, you are willing to change NOW, but you weren't when she was willing to still try. At some point people give up after trying, and trying, and trying. You simply didn't wake up before she reached that point. She's at a place NOW where she doesn't believe you will really make the changes, she trusted too much that you would...and you let her down too often. Sorry to put it so painfully blunt. But that is the answer to that question.
At this point you are simply going to have to keep going with your action plan of making changes for YOU. This is something you said you were going to do regardless of her actions anyway right? So keep following through. Add to that GAL (Getting A Life)....now that's not an insult :-) It's honestly a divorce busting recommendation. When you get out, do things for yourself...hobbies, exercising, clubs...what have you. It often has the effect of making you more interesting/appealing to your spouse.
There was a gentleman CSW who used to participate (he may still lurk occasionally), that I've mentioned to you before. He also had no libido (remember I mentined he ate too much soy?)...anyway, his wife DID move out. His wife in fact was seeing someone else. They are back together and happy now. He made changes for himself, and did the GAL...I believe he also employed the 180 rules, NOP's do you remember?
She hasn't shut you down at this point. She's trying to discourage you. If she has made up her mind to move...don't help her. Make her do it all on her own. You don't want her to leave right? So why would you aid her in that?
Lastly, I completely agree wit NOP's on...if you don't want the divorce, drag your feet on it. Do whatever it takes not to make it an easy thing for her to achieve. Do not help her move, do not aid her in anything that promotes a separation...and absolutely positively...DO NOT use the same attorney she does. You get one of your own who will protect YOUR interests. If you don't want a divorce then man-up and fight to keep her. Going with her attorney makes things waaaaaay too easy for her to achieve a divorce, to get everything she wants. That's counter productive to what you are wanting.
12_51 I wouldn't give up yet. I think all the other posters saying GAL are right. It is something I'm starting to do, actually I have to because I've been too wrapped up in myself, and now it's time to start doing more things around and in the house. And the important thing to remember is that I'm doing this for ME, not to put a show on for my wife, because if she does not re-act the way i want her to, I'm setting myself up for a fall. Be careful, do things for yourself, and let W see the changes. DO NOT point out the changes to her.
I'm almost always wrong about the adultery stuff but being someone who is pretty much in your wife's shoes at the moment I think that it is entirely possible that there is no particular man in whom she is interested. The thing is if you are a reasonably attractive HD woman who has been in a SSM pretty much the minute you turn off your "I AM MARRIED" vibe or protective shield you start getting the vibe of interest from other men. At the moment, your wife has every reason to feel confident that her odds of having a decent sex life in the future if she leaves you are much better than her odds if she tries to work it out.
Also, it's entirely possible that the reason she is being "nice" at the moment is that she has completely written you off as a sexual being. You are like some Ken doll in her mind. No reason to be angry at you but no reason to be sexually attracted either. IMO the best thing you could do since I don't think that you will have much luck approaching her physically is to write her or e-mail her or even call her on the phone and let her know in detail all the sexual activity you have planned for your new future together. The reason I say this is that although there are other issues involved in my separation that make me more than loath to consider reconciliation, the negative thoughts that I have around the issue of sexuality in terms of reconciliation are along the lines of "If I were to reconcile with this man I would never, ever, ever have sex 3x in the same weekend and I would never, ever, ever get fantasy A or B fulfilled. Etc. Etc. Etc.". When you are still in the thick of a relationship, as opposed to halfway out the door, it is easier to write off these kinds of desires as just the sort of thing you might be willing to do without or compromise in order to maintain the relationship. Once you're out, or halfway out, of the relationship, these sorts of things seem fairly easily obtainable and you really wonder at yourself that you were willing to do without.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
I have a question. My sitch is s/w like 12_51, but the last 2 times we were together, we ended up having sex. My wife is moved out, but we are in MC. I didn't hear from her for a week and was SO paranoid, but she called and talked to me for 1/2 hr., and told me she had a terrible week. She talked to me as she always had, so I felt relieved. But where do I go from here? Any suggestions?
I'm sorry but your sich seems even less similar to mine so I don't know what suggestions to offer. I would never call my ex with my problems. This makes me think that your sich is more hopeful because your ex thinks that you are a masculine "rock" in some ways. A lot of the problems with my marriage were due to the fact that I felt like I had to be the "rock" and I'm a pretty lame*ss rock being a Type 7 and all.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
