Am tired and need to get some sleep but wanted to check in.
Virginia, as always, you are amazing. Your post was a perfect blend of recognizing some positives and pointing out some things to think about and work on. Reading your post made me feel so empowered by both making me feel good about what I have accomplished and making me want to fight for what I still have to accomplish and learn, both of which give me strength in different ways. So, well done to YOU, my friend. Thank you for listening to my needs and following through on them.
I do know that in real life I do allow myself to get pushed around... I hate "rocking the boat" - hate conflict of any kind. To that end, I tend to take things and take things and take things and then at some point blow off some steam. I know that's not necessarily healthy, but it's been my way to deal with conflict. To that end, H is walking all over me right now because I'm allowing it. I see it. I get it. AND it's getting better, not quickly, but it's getting better. I can SEE how the positive DBing changes I have made have brought him closer, and I can SEE when I mess up how it pushes him away. I pray that the strength I continue to seek on a daily basis will help me to gradually keep tipping the scales on the side of the good things continually increasing to outweigh the bad things. I realize that I'm being treated like this because of me, that I need to change before H can change.
So what I was going to tell you last night before I ended up derailing on my rampage was that I am beginning to have those "angry" feelings again towards H, this situation, myself, etc. I don't know if I can explain it well with how tired I am right now, but I guess I just feel like that with each passing day I continue to feel less and less close to him. I guess that is good because it means I'm detaching. At the same time, I feel an increasing sense of sadness and fear that when/if he decides he wants to work on this that it's going to be too late for ME!
I think these feelings have crept up the past few days because of the ML twice last week and the positive advances H did and said to me last week. While at the time it admittedly felt good (whether that's right or wrong to feel that way), now that he's still not recommitting to working on us (even if that means he is not necessarily coming home to our bed but would maybe stay at the office every night or sleep on our couch, etc.) I find a quiet anger stirring inside of me. I have found thoughts creeping in my head more so than usual of anger and bewilderment. How in the world did we get here to this horrible place? MY H IS SLEEPING WITH OW! AND I'm just sitting here and allowing it! I feel like a crazy person. At the same time, if I stand up for myself, he may leave for good. If I give him an ultimatum, it's probably still too soon and he may leave for good. So, what is the answer then? I go back to what Jody told me when I was having similar, though less intense, feelings right before Vegas of feeling like I was "done" with this.
Jody told me to "act as if" I'm done but not to tell H that I'm done. She told me to think about how I would act if it really was over and to act that way without saying it is over. Although, as with most of this, that is easier said than done, that is my only choice right now to cope with these feelings and continue to hang on. I'm not ready to give up yet, but I just feel my heart breaking more and more with each passing day and am so scared that as he continues to sleep with another woman while staying married to me there is going to be so much bitterness and resentment built up in me that it may be too late to get through it. I'd like to think that I can get through anything, that my M and my H mean the world to me and that with my drive and determination I can do whatever it takes to get through this. I still feel that way, but at the same time, the anger and resentment and bewilderment are creeping up inside me...
So I was thinking yesterday about these feelings I'm having and guess when I read some of your posts I just maybe let my feelings take over and went off on my tangent, if that makes sense.
I just started to read the books called "How Can I Get Through to You?" by Terrence Real. My counselor recommended it. It talks about bridging the communication gap between men and women.
Ironically, I just started reading it last night, and the second chapter discusses how woman have learned through the years to keep putting up with things from their H's continually until they build up so much resentment that they are miserable. He talks about learning to find our voice, stand up for ourselves, that while that may cause further distress in the short-term, in the long-term it may just be what the doctor ordered. He listed some examples of situations where the wives had finally stood up for themselves and taken a "risk" by doing so and that the H's either came back home if they had left or continued to want to stay in the M, etc. At some point, that may be what I have to do to really make a substantial change in the dynamics of what is going on right now. This is not something I'm ready to do anytime in the near future, just something that I'm beginning to think about, again, because I realize that by my accommodating behaviors with H I am not bringing about the permanent changes that I want/need.
At the same time, when I read that chapter in the book, I felt a bit disjointed in that Michele talks about NOT talking about R/M issues in the circumstances I am currently in, yet Terrence says to stand up for yourself. Jody says that DBing is about have self-respect and dignity and treating yourself lovingly and detaching and drawing your H closer to you with these actions. So maybe it's the combination of using the ACTIONS of detaching as the way of standing up for yourself? I don't know. I'm trying to make it all make sense...
Yes, H's actions right now are not following his words. Worse, yet, while he says he understands how that could be confusing for me, he offers no explanation for why he is doing it other than he is not ready to come home "full-time" yet. As I mentioned, why, then can't he sleep at the office or on our couch rather than in OW's bed? He says he's not confused about what he wants. So WTH is he doing???
Quote:
I get that that level of connectedness was good for you - but it would seem by his behaviour, it wasn't working for him. You say that him in your life makes you a better person, but he's not acting like a better person, so maybe it doesn't do it for him.
I'll think on this, Virginia. When I look back on us before this blew up, I honestly feel like I/he/we were happy in most aspects of our R and lives except for the sex issue, which obviously was huge for mostly him but brought distance between both of us, and the communication issue regarding personal issues. Those two biggies brought about a breakdown in other aspects of our R/M as far as feeling close and a sense of connectedness. But with regard to most everything else, I honestly believe we were both happy. So I want to believe that if we can only figure out how to repair the two biggies and that further I can take what I'm learning about GAL outside of him in the many facets of our lives that are intertwined everything else will gradually fall into place. I may learn/see differently as the journey continues, but that's what I see/feel now.
Yes, back in November I did not know how my life was going to go on, how I could possibly endure this pain for days, weeks, let alone months. And now it is almost May... and I'm still hanging on. As I said, I'm not a quitter. That's why I keep coming back here. That's why I keep asking for your tough love and to hang in there with me and keep pushing me. At the same time, I guess my ambivolent feelings the last few days have caused me to think about some more drastic changes to rattle things up a bit more. And it also makes me think about how one knows when enough is enough and to give that final ultimatum. Right now, D is not a better option for me, and I'm not even close to ultimatums. But life is short. How long do I want to stay on this roller coaster? Until I stand up for myself and refuse to be treated like this, H has no reason to change or take my hand to help me off the roller coaster. At this point, it is my ACTIONS that I must use to demonstrate my intolerance of this behavior, not my words. Actions will bring him closer, as I have seen demonstrated already. Words will push him away. Words are easy for me; actions are hard. It's time to keep pushing myself toward the hard road...
Good night for now. Thanks again, Virginia, for a wonderful post that gave me much strength and empowerment.
