I've had several threads going, but I starting a new one here.
------------
My wife said tonight when we talked by phone that she loves me but that she is too hurt from our SSM to continue.
She says that my rejection was too much. She asked for a divorce in October. We agreed to counseling, things were getting better but we really hadn't addressed the sex issue. Now she said that she had really made up her mind in October. Now it is too late. Now it can't be fixed. Now she has no hope. She's given up.
I still have hope that things can be fixed. She said that she loves me, but she's lost all hope and the years of no intimacy and her begging for it is too much. She says that we don't have to get an attorney right away, but she see that it's permanent.
We're suppose to talk tomorrow night again. But I really don't see her changing her mind at this point.
What does every one else think? Is she gone forever? I really need support.
Well, personnally, her saying that it is "permanent" and yet she says you don't need to get an attorney right away, indicates to me that there is still a chance. She is not wanting to give you too much hope because then she would have to go back on her word, and she is scared of that. On the other hand, not filing gives you that space.
I have to say, it still looks positive to me
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
Quote: ---------------------------------------------------- Now it is too late. Now it can't be fixed. Now she has no hope. She's given up ----------------------------------------------------
Okay. "It's too late" statements almost always cause me to ponder if there is another person in the picture.
Is you wife seeing someone else?
That question is not to alarm you, but you will need to immediately change your tactics if she is.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
I think delaying the filing does send a signal that she is still not 100% sure. However, she sure seems to have made up her mind.
Seems that she's just taking it step by step, but she keeps going in the same direction.
She says that she is not seeing anyone. She is still wearing her wedding ring (but not the engagement ring) and says that she'll remain faithful until the divorce is complete. However, I've wondered if she has someone "in mind", but just not seeing them yet.
I think that she's being truthful, but I also thought that she was giving counseling 100%. She now says that she had made up her mind before counseling began.
If she is seeing someone else, what tactics would I change?
What should I do now?
I'm thinking that there is no awy of stopping her moving out. I can just delay the divorce longer and hope that she'll come back.
I know she is really hurt and also mad. I really do understand that. But I can't understand why, if I'm willing to change and in counseling, she would give up.
You are telling me that you are getting double speak from her. If she were just operating from hurt and anger, she likely wouldn't be in a mood to "spare" your feelings by "letting you down easily", i.e, the counseling, and her fixed direction.
You can't control her, I am glad that you realize that.
As for what you should do. If she was doing everything dead-on true to her word, then just continue on with your approach to be a better you. However, since the truth seems to be wavering, I would at least get my assets protected.
Consider hiring a lawyer. In the mean time, definitely split your finances and cancel all joint accounts and credit cards. That might make her mad, but better she be mad and you protected that she be all smiles and you penniless.
I'm not saying your wife is a bad person. I'm sure that she isn't. She is angry, however, and if there is another person in the picture, then her thought processes and the consideration she once gave you in the marriage, will have or will be changed dramatically. Best to be prepared for it.
Like you have already said, drag you feet on the divorce. Oh, and do not use the same lawyer as your wife. Very bad idea.
Quote: -------------------------------------------------------------- I know she is really hurt and also mad. I really do understand that. But I can't understand why, if I'm willing to change and in counseling, she would give up. --------------------------------------------------------------
Resentment.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
But I can't understand why, if I'm willing to change and in counseling, she would give up.
12_51 - if we had the answer to this question, wouldn't life be a whole heck of a lot easier?
There is no magic answer - maybe it is too little too late for her. Everyone has their own threshold as to how much they can take, maybe she has reached hers, maybe not. Maybe she is just wanting the space because she has lost herself and wants to get that back before she can make any final decisions. Moving out is not the end of things for everyone. Maybe she just needs some breathing room and from the sounds of things, you might be smothering her a little
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
I really have been leaving her alone. Really. That's why I post here. It helps me give her time. But it appears that giving her time really hasn't done much for me so far.
I guess the majority of us wouldn't have to be here if time healed everything, would we? The only thing about time is, it passes no matter what we do.
Who's to say how much time she will need. All you can do is give her the space, GAL, don't pressure her, make the changes you feel are necessary to show her you mean business and hopefully she will, in "time" see those things and perhaps realize that maybe, just maybe, there is still a chance.
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
I don't ever want to give up, but I'm really feeling hopeless now. Part of me now feels that if it really has no chance, then may be we should get it over. I have friends that say, it's done --- move on now. But, I just can't give up.
However, I'm not getting any younger and this really is very painful. Dragging it out could be even more painful. If I am going to be happy in the future, I've got to start sometime. This really isn't where I thought I'd be in life.
