Tam - you rock. You know what you're doing here? - you're standing up for yourself.

Now we're getting somewhere.

I think how we post here reflects how we are in our real life and I've noticed that you've taken a lot of tough-love on the chin that would have flattened a lesser woman. Though that's admirable, I wondered if that represented what you were prepared to put up with in real life too (H telling you your sex life was bad so he had to take a lover and you taking that on as your big failure etc)

Likewise, early on you posted with lots of questions and asked for reassurance - like you were doing with your H.

Now, you are telling us what you would like out of this relationship - how you'd like to be communicated with and how you are bloody well doing the best you can and we better respect that.

Finally !!!! I love it. This means that you are getting stronger and better and are in a good place to honestly represent who you are to us and to your H - maybe even to your family?

Great work. It happens quickly when it happens. Do you ever go back and read your old posts? You should when you have a chance, I think it will really illustrate to you how far you have come.

Now, having said all that, can I comment on the stuff about your reluctance to detach and your gratefulness for having H so much in your life.

How do I say this so it maintains hope, but offers pragmatism?

I get that that level of connectedness was good for you - but it would seem by his behaviour, it wasn't working for him. You say that him in your life makes you a better person, but he's not acting like a better person, so maybe it doesn't do it for him.

He 'says' that he hasn't given up on your relationship - but his actions say something different, so there is only one of you in this relationship who is prepared to make all the sacrifices for the reunion - and in a way he's got you over a barrel, he doesn't have to change really, because he knows that you are going to put up with anything from him just so long as you have him (I know you've said that there are some non-negotiables like talking about relationships etc, but why would he believe that when he's involved in the ultimate betrayal and you are still hanging in there).

So detaching and getting a life, are really about getting to a place where you can see yourself objectively and see your relationship objectively. Where you take yourself out of all that connectedness and make decisions about if your 'completeness' couldn't be better served by a more balanced partnership or even your better self.

It's about putting yourself in a position of power to be able to see yourself like he sees himself. He's not in the same relationship you are at the moment Tam. That's the part you have to keep remembering.

Detaching and getting a life are important because on the off chance that he decides he no longer wants to be in a relationship with you, you are going to have to survive without him, and it's best to have a life and a sense of self in order to achive that.

I do know that it's probably too early in your journey to think about that stuff, so I just say, do it anyway. See how the work you've done already has made you stronger (Vegas, office, limited R talks, no breaking down in front of him - standing up for yourself to us) - continuing in this vein will continue the changes in you that will put you in a good place if and when he does come back.

Remember back in November, you couldn't even bear to consider that this would go on for 3 or 4 weeks? Here we are in April, nearly May, and you are still haning in there, a much more together and realistic woman than you were then.

Keep at it, but keep it real.

V

Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.