Went to the C by myself yesterday and we had a wonderful talk. He basically validated a lot for me. He wants to read the article I was talking about, said it sounds pretty interesting and dead-on
We also talked about my role in this marriage and why I want to hang onto it - good question eh? (1) I truly love this man (2) most people don't take their vows seriously etc. etc.
We talked about trust and honesty and did I think my H trusted that I wouldn't leave him. I said "yes" and that scared me. He asked why. I said because sometimes I feel perhaps I am being a martyr and perhaps he thinks that no matter what he does, I will always be there. He told me (basically) that I had VERY high morals and he didn't think I was being a martyr. That I had strong boundaries and it was important to me to be true to myself and he respected that - that made me feel VERY good. Here I was thinking "am I being an idiot" and he tells me I am very honourable and don't fit into the norm of society where everything is "throw away" if it doesn't work.
I am in this for the longhaul - good and bad - and I am starting to reep the benefits slowly but surely. H and I had a good talk when I got home too and I told him about our conversation - he validated me also
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
Things are looking VERY promising for you. I imagine it felt nice to have your C validate you in that manner. I know when I voiced my thoughts to our MC about Whore/Madonna...her vadlidation really comforted me. Hearing that she thought there was actual substance behind the possibility of him having Whore/Madonna helped so much. It didn't ease my pain from his infidelity, but at least it validated for me that....it honestly wasn't ME.
Add to that the fact that your H isn't resisting this but rather...wanting to learn more, you are way ahead of the game. If he's interested and willing to learn more about this and to seek counseling to help change it....well, you are just so very lucky to have him.
GEL, yes the validation made me feel really good. Of course it doesn't ease the pain, that is what it is for a lot of other reasons that we have to deal with but the the fact that my H isn't resisting is a BIG plus, however he does feel that I am still analyzing too much and I don't want to use the "that's the way I am" phrase because he has used that in the past and knew he was wrong and is changing his behaviour. If I start using it, I am sure to get criticized for it
Whether or not he will get the C he needs to overcome this (IF the C is convinced this is what he is suffering from, which he does seem to validate at this point) is yet to be seen. I don't know if the C we presently have is qualified to deal with this but I am hoping if he isn't, he will at least have the decency to tell us that and refer us to someone else that might be more qualified.
And yes, H does seem to want to change, which is a GOOD thing and I am VERY lucky to have him in my life, but then he says the same thing about me. As a matter of fact when he was going to bed last night (he had to go to bed VERY early because he works nights, which is a bummer but a fact of life for us right now) he said "thank you for being so patient, I'm very lucky" - just something like that makes my heart melt and feel VERY encouraged.
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
FWIW...I am an over-analyzer from waaaaay back myself. It used to just drive me nutz when I'd ask my H "whatchya thinkin about?" and he'd say nothing. For me that's just not a possibility...my mind is always active. I'm always thinking about something, or running some dialogue through my mind.
Our MC one time had to explain to me that there is basic difference in the way men and women think. Doesn't mean one is more intelligent than the other, just that we think differently. Women tend to have something constantl running through our minds...as I said, my mind never stops. While men don't exactly stop thinking (don't want it to sound that way) a great many of them don't have that constant dialogue that we women do. So when my H would tell me he really wasn't thinking about anything....well, he wasn't.
So, if your H tells you that you are over-analyzing again...just agree :-)
While men don't exactly stop thinking (don't want it to sound that way) a great many of them don't have that constant dialogue that we women do. So when my H would tell me he really wasn't thinking about anything....well, he wasn't.
Last time I looked I was a man so here goes.
GEL for me to give an answer to that question like your H did, it is something like "do these pants make my butt look big," I know I will only make things worse so why answer. Maybe your H had a similar defensive thought when he said nothing. Maybe he was thinking about something he thought you wouldn’t understand. I might tell BB “nothing” when I was thinking about a “code 50” error on a laser printer because I know before hand, if I explained a “code 50” error to her, she wouldn’t follow what I was saying, and I would get the “not interested” look from her.
I think all of the time, and admit to not hearing what BB talks about, because sometimes she talks to or about the dogs and I don't know if I need to reply.
I will admit to thinking about single subjects rather than multi-tasking thoughts. I call it concentration on the important.
Concentration on the important or just not being able to walk and chew gum at the same time? Sorry Lou, couldn't resist
There are numerous times my H is REALLY not thinking about anything. It's the way his mind works. And some of the time, there are a million things going through his mind all at the same time, he talks in half sentences, changes subjects and doesn't tell anyone he's having a conversation with that he's doing so and therefore all his sentences are disjointed and don't make any sense at all - it drives his friends nuts, I could go on but you get the point. I have just got used to the way he talks, even the C has said to me on occasion "do you know what he just said?" and when I tell him, he confirms with my H who says "ya" and looks at him as if to say "didn't you know that" and the C will say "that's amazing". The C feels we make a good couple, complimenting each other in our weaknesses and strengths. What he does well, I don't and vice versa. Like I told the C, together we make one REALLY good person
As much as his way of thinking used to confuse me to no end, it also fascinated me and was part of the attraction. Now I just look at it as one of the little pieces that forms the whole person that I love
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
Concentration on the important or just not being able to walk and chew gum at the same time? Sorry Lou, couldn't resist I can do both of the above. I can't dance on a table on one foot and rub my belly and head in different directions and sing at the same time. Not much call for those skills.
I did a 4 year college program in 2.75 years and earned a 3.82/4.0 GPA by working on the task at hand.
I did a 4 year college program in 2.75 years and earned a 3.82/4.0 GPA by working on the task at hand.
hmmmm someone bragging a little?
as for the dancing on the table on one foot and rubbing your belly and head in different directions - that impresses me more (I amuse easily)
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
Well, I have to admit, I wasn't much for high school either. I did manage to finish it but just barely. So when I decided to go back to school, some 22 years later, was I scared? You betcha! But I aced it, probably because it was something I enjoyed obviously. Then, like a sucker for punishment, I went back again several years later for 3 years and 8 months (to complete another more advanced 5 year course ) and I was working fulltime
So I guess I can brag too huh?
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
hmmmm someone bragging a little?