Now Surviving Separation

[Yoyowife]

HB,
Will you please go look at my latest posting? I'm afraid I did some backsliding tonight, and I need your input.

Thanks,
Yoyowife

[~Sol]

HB, Just wondering how you were doing as well...

[Heartbroken]

Hi Sol,

Sounds like you may be moving to the MLC group - if it seems to fit this is where you need to go.

We are doing fine - H said two days ago he'll end the lease at the end of April now last night he said maybe May - he seems to worry about coming back even though the OW is gone and out of the picture. We are spending a lot time together throughout the week and weekends. H wants to talk R a lot more and he also wants to discuss the A and her a lot and how it all fell apart. I said last nite we need to start limiting how much OW we talk about - I am over her and it gets weary hearing him purging but I know it's good for him to get it all out too.

H cannot come back until he's 100% there for me and the kids and I think he is --he's just not sure he's ready to make the leap yet. Even if we pay for May and he moves back before the end of May that is fine too. I just want him back but I know it has to be his decision and his timeline or he could resent me later.

Baby steps and one day at a time.... You take care! If you go over to MLC I will make sure to check on you. I am addicted to seeing how everyone is doing and providing input when I can...

[~Sol]

I think it's wise to let your H come back on his own. I have been given the same advice.....I just never really listened....until now.

You take care too!

((((HB))))

[Yoyowife]

Heartbroken,
You are doing great, and I am so proud for you. You are doing a wonderful job of not putting pressure on him. I definitely think that has been my downfall at times. We all have read about giving them space and letting make their own decisions. You seem better at it than some us. Maybe your patience and wisdom will rub off on us!

[Heartbroken]

Thanks! I will answer your question in your thread later - their break up was due to a complex mess - good for me but not atypical for all sitch's...

[Heartbroken]

Well I have not posted on my own post in awhile.

H and I are doing fine though it's rough with flashbacks and such. I just saw the OW this morning (at school we are both dropping kids off) at least we stay in our vehicles. Then later at the elem. school saw the OW friend I layed into 8 weeks ago or so - no eye contact though just kept moving out the door...

I cannot wait for the day that these two women do not get a rise out of me...

H thinks he wants to come home by the end of May. He does not seem super gun-ho and one of my close friends who has been therapist #2 to me through all of this sees this as a problem. She thinks he will always wish to be single deep inside - since he is not running back to me ASAP now that the OW has been gone for 6 weeks (this past Sunday).

I have asked him not to come back out of duty to the kids - I need to be wanted and he realizes this. He says he feels he is in relationship burnout due to all the energy he spent dealing with OW and with me. Is this normal? I said at some point he is going to have to get back into the R groove - don't get me wrong he is being good to me it's just that should there be more? I know he feels a tremendous amount of guilt and he is having a hard time understanding how he lost his committment to us...he fears getting that level back... Even in piecing the daily efforts still continue.

I know I am very lucky to be where we are - but I just do not want to be the default choice on his part...

Thanks for listening!

HB

[Aud31]

Hey HB,

Your H's reluctance to return home is quite similar to mine. I think there is something to the burnout theory. My H said yesterday that he just "didn't care" (about me) for several years. I think it's his way of saying he was detached, because I know he did care--obviously not enough or in the right way...

Anyway, I think my point is that it takes some time for them to get things straight in their heads, figure out what their feelings really are (if they even acknowledge them).

You are lucky to be where you are, but that doesn't make it any easier to untangle the mess. You're doing a great job--good luck!

[Heartbroken]

Thanks! I thought I should move to piecing - but this is more my "family" and I get more responses here!

I cannot help but check on the guys and gals here!

[ourcrisis]

HB, so good to hear from you and affirming on some of the stuff that I am going through. I do believe about the burnout part. Your h may be good in not letting you see him struggle through the withdrawal or whatever it is with ending R with OW. Mine decided to just come back and now I have to deal with his depression (only 1 week into not seeing OW, but they are still talking). I am also looking for "more" but also know h is not ready to do that yet.

I can totally relate to the flashbacks. Tough, isn't it? I am sorry that you have to see OW at school.

Would h talk to you about why he wants to stay out till end of May? H has agreed to be open and honest with me, but only to the point that he can be honest to say, "he cannot tell me, or he is still not telling me everything, or he lied about certain part." Is your h willing to share some info with you, may be just current events on some of the reasons he wants to stay out still? That may keep you from guessing.